Farewell my Friends

Well.. Where do i start? For a while now a select few of people have been constantly hounding my Master about my writings. People just wont let it go when myself and Master tell them not to take it personally. Especially when not even a sliver of light has been shed on them sense W/we have said otherwise.

As you all know, i detest drama. Sense i posted the link on my imvu web page that is all it has caused. To much drama and heart ache. Quite frankly more then this is worth... i hope the few readers i have can understand this move i am forced to make. And maybe, just maybe when things calm down i will come back to this and start a new. i'm doubting it. But anything is possible right?

People have been just giving my blog to others all willy-nilly and this is the only way to stop that. If you found my blog on your own then i'm sorry to end it this way. If it was just given to you.. You were not interested in my journey or the issues that i had to blog about. You weren't even interested in anything other then seeing for yourself the malicious lies that others have wasted your time with and for that i am also sorry. So to stop wasting your time, this is the end of my public journal.

For the ones that are spreading this as if it is their own property. You know exactly who you are. It is wrong to do that. If people are truly interested, let them find it on their own with out any pre-conceived notions about what "you say" is in there! It is unfair to the readers AND the writer themselves. Would you want me to give out your information that you worked hard to create? No, i didn't think so! Post it now you little bitch

Once again i'm sorry to end it this way with no previous warning. i hope Y/you all find other writings to relate to. There are many out there. Good luck!

On the road again, cant wait to get on the road again.

Master and i are once again back out on the road. The truck is finally fixed god willing. The last time that we had it worked on it took about a month for the batteries to brake again. i am already tired and we just started.

We are pulling a very heavy load of Beer to Granite City Illinois. Then off to the very depths of Southern Texas. The load was suppose to be ready at 9:00AM this morning, but it was around 5:30PM by the time the darn thing was actually loaded.

So Master and i went out to breakfast which turned out to be the lunch buffet. It was yummy. Southern food is the best thing in the world other then Indian and Italian. Made my tummy full and yummy lol. Our phone charger died sometime this week and we have been conserving our battery until we could afford a new one. And today was that day. i had to answer three messages from a friend of mine and Master is now on the phone with a buddy of His. Apparently they are putting their heads together so we could possible meet up with them. After the last disaster i am extremely hesitant about meeting anyone from Master's past. Except His little girl. i'm actually looking forward to that. Plus i do better with kids then adults anyway. Adults piss me off with all their pre-conceived notions and stupidity. Children are much more entertaining to hang around.

There really isn't all that much to tell. Today has just been a day of relaxation that we didn't really need. Enough with the relaxing already. Master has been edgy, wanting to leave and get back on the road. And in all honesty so have i. It's actually good to be back on the road again. Just don't tell anyone i said so.

The plague of unanswered questions!

Master and i are still in Atlanta. We had a load this morning that was suppose to pick up today and deliver tomorrow. But when we got here, (The shippers) they told Master that it wouldn't be ready until tomorrow at 5:30PM eastern time. He has been trying to figure all of this out sense we got here. Sadly, there has been no progress. Add onto that the two facts that i am in dire need of a restroom (which they don't have for us lowly drivers) and that i haven't had anything to eat all morning, this becomes quite unbearable. Situations like this make me very edgy and cranky. Master is about to go drive back to the Atlanta yard to wait. At least there they have bathrooms... and vending machines. Master won't dare drop His trailer though. The other drivers are like sharks when it comes to empty trailers. If you drop one there is a 99.99% chance that you won't be getting it back with this company..

Yesterday morning when i woke up, i had to go into the building and i found Master in front of the T.V. Which is perfectly fine. When i sat down the first thing He asked me was, "What kind of mood are you in?". Usually when He asks me that it is only to see where my head is at because His is in the gutter... The deliciously deviant gutter! After i had woken up a bit Master and i went back to the truck. He decided to play Age of Empires: The trial addition for a while. 

i had a bunch of images in my head of being tied up and smacked, flogged and fucked so naturally i was drenched. i asked Master if i would be allowed to play and He said yes and handed over my toy! While i was doing that He came back to the bed and stood there... Then to my surprise unzipped His pants. i don't know about Y/your house hold but when my Master does that it only means one thing. i took my toy out and got on all fours and proceeded to suck His cock. It was very yummy! He wouldn't let me suck Him to completion because as He put it, "That's for later..." and went back to His game and let me finish playing. :)

Later that night Master gave me exactly what i have been needing for weeks! A very yummy, intense scene. It started with me just sitting on the bed to being stripped, blindfolded and having clothes pins placed on my nipples. Those things hurt like CRAP! i can never stand to have them on for to long their to painful. After that Master tied me to a handle in the wall, with me laying on my back arms over my head while He used His belt on me... Every where on my body was being kissed with the leather. About a third of the way in i was already on the verge of tears but i was also drenched so Master didn't stop. i also didn't ask/tell Him to stop either. i wanted to go as far as i could that night. i didn't want to hold anything back and i wanted to be at the place where i didn't have to think after wards. It was just intense feelings over-riding my brain. It was wonderful! 

Unfortunately before Master could finish and cum some guy knocked on the door. Master had to get dressed and see what the hell. Apparently some guy said that the empty we were on was His trailer and it was loaded which is a bunch of horse shit and by the end of the conversation with the guy Master busted Him in the pricks lies. Although Master was mad He was in to good a mood to argue with yet another old, bald black man that day.

When Master and i have such intense scenes like that, it makes me feel completely owned. i'm not talking about the mushy i'm going to be His for all eternity. No. What i'm talking about is the flood of emotions that course through my body after an experience like that. When you are thoroughly used, marked, mind-fucked and well, fucked there is no escaping your position in the relationship. It's like the man sears it onto my brain with a red hot poker. Along with the good emotions come some not-so-good questions. i have only had to ask and answer them once. 

The questions like: "Why am i putting myself through this much pain?" or "If He truly loves me, then why is He hurting me and making me cry?" or the hardest one for me yet, "Aren't i suppose to be more then a fuck-toy or punching bag?"...

 The last question is still very new in my mind. i haven't been able to answer it yet. i know i'm not just His punching bag or fuck-toy, but in moments like that the mind wonders... Now, lets analyze a moment shall we? (See what it's like in my head 24/7.. pour souls you.) If i was 100% submissive in my ways and thinking wouldn't i be exactly that? i mean at times i am in fact His fuck-toy. i get used for His pleasure then put back on the shelf until next time with out pleasure of my own. Also being His fuck-toy or punching bag gives Him pleasure so therefor it should give me pleasure, right? So because half the time it doesn't give me pleasure does that mean i'm not submissive enough? Or does that mean i'm a "bad" slave, because i have needs that are somewhat selfish? i would like to say no. That i am not a "bad" slave but instead i'm just being human. If you look at the human animal... We are selfish creatures as a whole. Some of us are worse then others. We like to have our needs met before we go around and helping other people with theirs. It's the "You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" mentality. Some times that isn't very condusive to being in the "submissive/slave" mindset. So many things in todays culture/world are conspiring against the mentality of submission. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there. Where women are trying to be men, and men are trying to be women. There is no true "Boss" in any dimanic. If you were to tell anyone that you were in this lifestyle you would be shunned. Our community is very small in numbers. Hell, even within that community you might be judged because of what you like or don't like. 

i just think there is no accurate way to decide what is acceptable as a slave and what isn't. The only one that should really have that kind of power over you and your actions should be your owner. Although on the flip side of that coin. The best person to make sure you keep up with the rules or guidlines is yourself. You are either your best friend or worst enemy. i am the same way. Hense the struggle i have been having recently. 

i have a lot to think about as you can quess.. 

Terminals are soooo Boring!

Well, we are still in the Terminal in Atlanta Ga. The only good thing about that is the truck is now in the shop. Unfortunately it's Friday. The company He works for has a tendency to go uber slow on Friday. They just do the work that is expected of them so they can go home for the weekend sooner rather then later. And on any other circumstances I would half-way agree with that. But not this time. If we have to stay still all weekend then we are going to have to get a large-ish loan once more. Which will put our grand total over $-3000 in the hole. With the rate we are going right now, I don't foresee getting out in a L.O.N.G while! Master is going to be livid if this happens. So livid in fact that He will be calling His FM and make them pay for the hotel. However long we stay there. It was not our idea to come to this blasted place. We could of had the battery fixed in the TA truck stop in Cartersville Ga... Two nights ago! But alas it wasn't and now we are stuck.

They just came to get Master conserning the seat so we might actually be out of here today. Thank goodness. I am crossing my fingers for that outcome. And holding my breath! I so don't want to be stuck here all weekend. That would make getting out of the hole impossible with this company anyway. We can't go to company drivers because of the trial. Plus Master likes His freedom. And also if we go back to mileage then we won't have the freedom to pick our own loads and get to the court house in time. Plus it would be the exact same money just no garuntee on the same miles. I guess I will wait and see what Master decides... It's all pretty much a waiting game from here on in anyway.

The truck drivers here were playing practical jokes with this fake snake. This poor man would of ran into the wall if they didn't tell Him the snake was a fake. It was funny! The only bad thing about all of that is that they just kept going and going. These kind of things are suppose to be spontanious, not every person that comes by. 

It's now 7:12pm and I think the truck is done. It wasn't in the shop and Master had to go look for it. So either they pulled it out so we can sleep or it's done. I bet you can't guess which one I am rooting for. I so don't want to be here another day with being soo bored. There is only so many roudy truck drivers here it isn't funny. I have been hit on with insinuations in the last two minutes exactly three times. Now if Master was here next to me, they would NEVER do that! This is something that I have to deal with on a daily basis. I have on a bagy rain coat on and they still do this. I don't even want to think about what they would do if I took it off and just wore what is underneath. With out Master here I would never do that, for that reason alone. It's gotten so bad that I don't feel comfortable not wearing a bra like Master wishes and loves. I don't feel safe unless I have that extra protection from prying eyes or otherwise I don't feel safe. I don't like hearing people talking about me when they are talking about cars then I hear... "Will you let her? (drive his car)"... "Yeah, I'll ride her...". What kind of sickness is that? It's not like I am flirting with anyone. I have no desire to flirt with stinky truck drivers. Nuh-uh! No thank you!!

I understand that they are men and I'm in a male predominate business but that still doesn't give them the right to stare like they do and insinuate such vile things. It makes me very nervous to be by myself with so many men.

I have HUGE trust issues when it comes to men. They only reason I trust Master is because when we were still getting to know one another He proved to me that I could and that He will always take care of me. 

Master just came back and they broke our radio! He is once again livid! I have to go calm Him down.

Life goes on

This week has become increasingly more taxing and complicated as the days pass by. There is just so much going on that I, quite frankly, don't know where to start.. The best course would probably be the beginning, I know but that is the hardest part... What is the beginning of this weeks emotional roller-coaster? When I sat my butt in the seat or when I got in line? Hell, let's start with the line.

For the past couple of months I have really been strugling with who I am, not only as a person but also as my Master's property. Sometimes I get so fed up with the double standards that are in every day living that I just want to scream, literally. Ever sense the collar was slapped on my neck I have had a rough time getting past the "normal" standards and rules. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, " Well if it's ok for Him to be doing this, then why can't I?" which is exactly the attitude that I try to avoid. I have an image ingraved into my brain of what a slave should look like and, most importantly, how she should act. I guess that is why I get so frustrated with my own submission and slavery because there is no way in hades that I act like I think I should. I know that I am subconsiously and consiously setting myself up for failure when I do this. I keep comparing myself to this fake being in my head and when I fall short, I am actually angry and dissapointed in myself. Another fault I have is compairing my submission/slavery to those I read about in blogs. These blogs are apart of what brought me to this lifestyle. In a way I look up to them. I know they are one a way different level then I am on, but I still try and be as good if not better then them. And I just can't do that. For one, I'm not them mentally or emotionally and two, I'm just not at the level they are at. Hell, they have been doing it for 5+ years where as I have only been doing it for 1+ years. I have been working on not doing that, but these last couple of months have been extremely hard on all counts. Especially this one!

Now on top of finding my own level of submission/slavery, Master has decided to push me out of my safty zone in All aspects of my life. The scenes are going to get rougher and harder for me to handle physically. He is going to start treating me more as a slave then as His fiance, which means more control, dicipline and structure. Actually those three are the very fantastic parts of all of this! I have been wanting Him to do just that for so long. Now that I have it, to be perfectly honest I'm not quite sure what to do with it. I'm the dog always chasing after the cars... But now that I have caught up to it, what do I do??

I am scared stupid about being taken out of my safety zone, but at the same time I am looking forward to just how far I can go. How is it that the things that can excite you the most can also scare you stupid? There are a lot of things like that out there for me. This one is just the most prominate and pressing of them.

We finally got the phone call from Master's sister-in-law telling us when the court date is. As you know we have been scrambling to get custody of His daughter M for a while now. And sense Master is the last livng parent she has it helps our case a bit. I'm still not sure how all of this lifestyle stuff and having a 10 almost 11 year old in the house will work. But we will make it work. Anyway, the court date is set for June 4th in Illinois. We have already told our FM that we absolutely HAVE to have that date off. He set it for June 3rd so we don't miss it. Now all we have to do is wait, then route ourselves up there. And pray. There has been lots and lots of praying going on around here lately. And I'm not that religious. But we need all the help we can get right now.

Along with everything else, the truck went spazzy again last night! We were in the T.A truck stop in Cartersville Ga doing some laundry and watching T.V, and while we were in there the damn thing died... While it was running! Sense we had the truck looked at in Concord Master has been extremely cautious about not leaving the truck running to the point where it is always running. It's gotten to the point where if we leave it for over an hour with out running it will die. Even after they supposidly put in a new battery. Now the coolant sensor is acting up along with the now second dead battery. Master is beyond livid. We had to sit today because the shop couldn't get to us today at the local yard. Master said that if they don't get to it tomorrow and finish it tomorrow, the company will be paying for a hotel! We didn't ask to come here. Hell, we didn't have a choice so if they strand us here, they better not expect us to pay for the stupid thing! 

A hotel would do so much good right now. But physically it will do so much damage. It's kind of a coin toss on which one we concentrate on first. The sitting for two days and not making money or the oppertunity to be in a hotel. :)  I know which one I'm secretly hoping for even if it is irrational. And who ever said I was the rational one anyway??

Way to Tired

As the title states I am all of a sudden tired. It just kinda hit so I am getting this out of the way so I can pass out!

The last couple of days have been really good for Master and I. We have had a couple of really good, long, and serious conversations. Mostly about us and this lifestyle. We talked about how I am playing it safe in scenes and how He is playing it safe every where else. I always end up using my safe word long before I know I have to use it. Maybe like Master said, it's just me staying within my safe zone. I am always afraid to take it one step further or five/six good swats past my comfort zone in case I don't like it. Once there I cant go back. Master will never allow that, but instead will push me even farther to take eight/nine extra swats. He is always testing my boundaries seeing if the ones in place are torn down and where the new ones are at. I have never had a problem sticking to the decisions I have made in any aspect of my life, this is no different. My problem has always been getting there. And that is what my problem is now. I am so afraid to open myself up to the point that I have to be in order to give Master the submission He demands at times. When I am in that state of mind there is no hiding things from anyone including myself. I'm going to have to work on that in order to get to the next level in our relationship.
Master is more or less playing it safe in the mundane aspect of our life. He doesn't like to punish or treat me like a personal fuck-toy that I am. I think after our talk He understands that sometimes Him doing all of that is actually helping me instead of hurting me and my views of myself. He doesn't want me to believe Him when He calls me a "slutty little cock-sucker who is only here for Him...". I would never think of myself as worthless now that I have found Master. He has proved to me just how valuable and needed I actually am. And I have told Him that very thing a couple of times.

From what I can tell from the last few days... Things are lookin up! I could not be happier. I am even getting my flirty side back with Master. I have felt giddy, happy, content, sexy and loved more in the last week then I have any other time. Sometimes a relationship is just perfect. Times where everything clicks together smoothly and both parties are on the same wave length that there is no real communication needed to relay their needs to one another.. That is how it has been this week. I am holding on to all of those feelings as hard as I can for as long as I can.

Sometimes things seem to good to be true and this is one of them. But here's hoping!

And now I am off to la-la land.
Night everyone!
:)

(untitled)

Master and I are sitting here waiting to be dispatched on our next load. He sent His FM two messages telling them He was ready but they haven't done anything yet. Ever sense we got back from our week off, things seem... off. I don't know how to discribe it. Master's FM isn't doing His job as well as He use to. They are even slower getting back to Master. Before that dreadful week, He would get an answer right away and not have to wait almost an hour sometimes longer. I don't know maybe it's my imagination. I highly doubt it, but it's possible. After all anything is possible. Master of course thinks I'm crazy about this. But He thought that about Dorris to. Our last FM, who was in fact trying to screw Master over at every oppertunity. It took Him over five almost six months to finally see it. But at least He got it...

While are waiting I was catching up on some blogs that I read. My life has been uber hectic lately so I haven't had much time to write blogs much less read any. I was really shocked to read that a slave decided to "reject slavery" as she put it. She told her Master she didn't want to be a slave anymore and her wish was granted. I use to think that she was happy in her position and was reveling in it. But it turns out it was quite the opposite. It was to stressful for her. And it is very stressful. I'm kind of glad she felt that way, it lets me know that I'm not the only one that is stressed out by this lifestyle. Don't get me wrong. I'm not glad she was stressed, just that I am not alone in those feelings. I was hopping T/they would of been one of those M/s couples to actually make it in this lifestyle. But if it isn't in her heart or soul to be a slave anymore, I don't think she should force herself to be one. Especially if it isn't her true being. 

Even though my life is pretty hectic, there isn't really anything new to report. We are still driving this infurnal truck. I am becoming even less inclinded to like this business. Or the fact that Master is letting it rule His life and by extension... mine. I knew becoming a business owner would be stressful for Him. But I didn't know that He was going to let it interfere with His family, happiness and our relationship! I basicaly eat, sleep and shit this business. My diet is suffering to the point that not only am I not loosing weight but I am gaining weight instead. I have to hurry to get food, go to the bathroom, and shower. All because they are in public places. I can't take an hour or longer in a shower because there is always a line waiting for them. I get food when Master is getting gas to cut down the time we spend out of the truck so we can drive further. It's just so assinine. I am sick of hurrying. When we sit down in a resturant for an actual meal, I don't know how to act. I always have to eat quickly so I can hand Master His food/drink while He is driving. So when I don't have to hurry I still end up doing it. I never know what town/city we are going to sleep in because we are never in the same place longer then a day. It's get up, go use the restroom, get food and drive... For 10 hours straight. No breaks in between unless you count running in to get more food or to use an actual toilet a break. I don't! I haven't seen MY family in almost a year. Every time I call my mother brings that up. I feel more and more guilty for that every time. What am I suppose to tell her? "Until we have cash in the bank, I can't come see you.." or " Sorry Mom, the business is more important then you right now..." Sure I will get right on that death train!! 

Master and I have been off for a while now. Little itty-bitty things will set us off in an argument. Last night it was food proportions for crying out loud! All because I showed concern for how much food they would give Master and if He would still be hungry I got the reply... "That's all you do. Bitch, Bitch, Bitch..." At that point in our fights/tantrums/pissing contests I don't give a rats ass anymore. After comments like that I go quite. I shut down and go numb. What else am I suppose to do? Especially when the only thing I want to do is slap Him square in the back of His head or throw my collar at Him. But I know a couple of people that would just LOVE to have that happen.

I have to find a load that can't wait 10 minutes. So I will have to come back and edit this post.. See what I mean when I say the business is my life?! I cant have 20 minutes to myself to write a blog!!

Life

I was putting google to work a little while ago. I have been searching for a good website that has B.D.S.M toys and furnature. Plus some items that would fit nicely in this truck. Sense it is a rather small space, we can't exactly fit a kennel in here. Master has been having a hard time getting creative with scenes and ways to tie me up. Well, this site kind of stood out. It has some pretty good restraints that don't have to be drilled into anything. And their floggers, whips and clamps are of good quality. Or that is what the pictures depict. On the big furnature the only draw back is they are non-refundable. So Master is going to have to really look at the items or I have to go searching for a better, refundable website for those. They also had a couple of good collars to replace the one I have. I liked the black leather 1" band with red heart designs on it. Plus it has the O-ring that Master wants so it is a win-win. There was also a little 1/2" choker that came in black or white. Simple and acceptable for either work or special occasions. It just looks like a fashion statement without the O-ring. The black and red heart one was around $36.00 and the chokers were only $10.00. Both good investments.

But whether the investment the right move right now is a different story. Master is currently in the process of getting His daughter M, as you all know. And with a child in the house once again the lifestyle will be put on the back burner. It won't be how I always imagined it if He gets custody. Don't get me wrong, I want Him to get His little girl. It just hinders things a bit. I won't be able to call Him Master or kneel by His side. And I deffinately cant be tied to the couch naked either. It's frustrating to think that I have been waiting for a place to finally start this lifestyle I have chosen, and now I will have the place but no lifestyle. It will end up being more of a 1950's house hold then anything else. Except I won't be wearing a dress and heels while vaccuuming. Once we get a place and M, Master is going to switch jobs for a local. He is really unhappy about that. He has worked so hard to make this truck, His business, work and now He will have to give that up for going not only company but local as well. No more traveling the country, seeing the sights. But at least He will be home every night or every weekend. That is exactly why He is going to do it. He can't be a full time dad while being an over-the-road trucker.

We were stopped at a little shit hole truck stop this morning. They would have made us pay to park, and they didn't even have public bathrooms! What kind of crud is that? The only good that came out of it was we got to play with this adorable little stray dog. Master and I got really attached rather quick. He started calling the little tyke Benji. He looked like one to. He had a wirey coat with black, brown and white. His eyes were just soo cute and he was relatively healthy. I had convinced Master to keep Benji and we had him in the truck. He didn't really like it. I think he was just one of those dogs that prefer to be an outside pup. He wasn't skinny but instead rather plump so he was eating regularly. And when we had him in the truck, two people started to walk up until Benji hopped out of the truck and ran to him. So he had people, but they just thought it was ok to leave him in a crappy truck stop instead of take him home. But he seemed ok and happy so I don't feel as bad leaving him. I want to go back and smack his owners but what can you do?

Now we are back on the road going to Spartansburg South Carolina. We are suppose to deliver there on the 10th but we could get there tonight if we wanted. Then we have to get online and book another load. Hopefully up north somewhere because my allergies are killing me. I took my last cleritan yesterday, so I am hanging on by a thread, or napkin which ever.

I am trying to figure out a new roleplay to do on IMVU.com. Master and I have been doing the vampire thing for a while, but how many necks can you bite already? There isn't that much you can do with that theme. I was thinking about changing the setting to Old New Orleans and stay vampires but that can only play out for so long too. Everyone on that site is either doing vampires, B.D.S.M, Gorean or strip clubs. Those are the basics. Every once in a while you come across some stray story but not very often. And most are done by beginners. I was also thinking about doing an ancient Rome setting. But that would have to be researched. Then it poped into my head to become Slavers and still be in the Ancient Rome setting. People are always looking for slaves and people are always pretending to be slaves. That is the best one I have came across so far. But it would have to be a serious roleplayers only type deal. Not everyone will play along with being captured, trained then sold off to some person. But it deffinately caught my eye. 

It's 1:24 am on Monday morning central time. I am kind of acting as Master's personal alarm clock today because He has to get up in an hour to be able to deliver a load on time. So when He get's up I go to bed. Until I get my rest and then I will probably get up to keep Him company and awake. I found this really cool chat room that was revolved around B.D.S.M. The people actually knew what they were talking about. It wasn't just a game or about sex with them. They were just there to hang out and talk with like minded people. It was very refreshing. I am absolutely dog tired so I think this post is done.

Buh-bye