This week has become increasingly more taxing and complicated as the days pass by. There is just so much going on that I, quite frankly, don't know where to start.. The best course would probably be the beginning, I know but that is the hardest part... What is the beginning of this weeks emotional roller-coaster? When I sat my butt in the seat or when I got in line? Hell, let's start with the line.
For the past couple of months I have really been strugling with who I am, not only as a person but also as my Master's property. Sometimes I get so fed up with the double standards that are in every day living that I just want to scream, literally. Ever sense the collar was slapped on my neck I have had a rough time getting past the "normal" standards and rules. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, " Well if it's ok for Him to be doing this, then why can't I?" which is exactly the attitude that I try to avoid. I have an image ingraved into my brain of what a slave should look like and, most importantly, how she should act. I guess that is why I get so frustrated with my own submission and slavery because there is no way in hades that I act like I think I should. I know that I am subconsiously and consiously setting myself up for failure when I do this. I keep comparing myself to this fake being in my head and when I fall short, I am actually angry and dissapointed in myself. Another fault I have is compairing my submission/slavery to those I read about in blogs. These blogs are apart of what brought me to this lifestyle. In a way I look up to them. I know they are one a way different level then I am on, but I still try and be as good if not better then them. And I just can't do that. For one, I'm not them mentally or emotionally and two, I'm just not at the level they are at. Hell, they have been doing it for 5+ years where as I have only been doing it for 1+ years. I have been working on not doing that, but these last couple of months have been extremely hard on all counts. Especially this one!
Now on top of finding my own level of submission/slavery, Master has decided to push me out of my safty zone in All aspects of my life. The scenes are going to get rougher and harder for me to handle physically. He is going to start treating me more as a slave then as His fiance, which means more control, dicipline and structure. Actually those three are the very fantastic parts of all of this! I have been wanting Him to do just that for so long. Now that I have it, to be perfectly honest I'm not quite sure what to do with it. I'm the dog always chasing after the cars... But now that I have caught up to it, what do I do??
I am scared stupid about being taken out of my safety zone, but at the same time I am looking forward to just how far I can go. How is it that the things that can excite you the most can also scare you stupid? There are a lot of things like that out there for me. This one is just the most prominate and pressing of them.
We finally got the phone call from Master's sister-in-law telling us when the court date is. As you know we have been scrambling to get custody of His daughter M for a while now. And sense Master is the last livng parent she has it helps our case a bit. I'm still not sure how all of this lifestyle stuff and having a 10 almost 11 year old in the house will work. But we will make it work. Anyway, the court date is set for June 4th in Illinois. We have already told our FM that we absolutely HAVE to have that date off. He set it for June 3rd so we don't miss it. Now all we have to do is wait, then route ourselves up there. And pray. There has been lots and lots of praying going on around here lately. And I'm not that religious. But we need all the help we can get right now.
Along with everything else, the truck went spazzy again last night! We were in the T.A truck stop in Cartersville Ga doing some laundry and watching T.V, and while we were in there the damn thing died... While it was running! Sense we had the truck looked at in Concord Master has been extremely cautious about not leaving the truck running to the point where it is always running. It's gotten to the point where if we leave it for over an hour with out running it will die. Even after they supposidly put in a new battery. Now the coolant sensor is acting up along with the now second dead battery. Master is beyond livid. We had to sit today because the shop couldn't get to us today at the local yard. Master said that if they don't get to it tomorrow and finish it tomorrow, the company will be paying for a hotel! We didn't ask to come here. Hell, we didn't have a choice so if they strand us here, they better not expect us to pay for the stupid thing!
A hotel would do so much good right now. But physically it will do so much damage. It's kind of a coin toss on which one we concentrate on first. The sitting for two days and not making money or the oppertunity to be in a hotel. :) I know which one I'm secretly hoping for even if it is irrational. And who ever said I was the rational one anyway??
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