Farewell my Friends

Well.. Where do i start? For a while now a select few of people have been constantly hounding my Master about my writings. People just wont let it go when myself and Master tell them not to take it personally. Especially when not even a sliver of light has been shed on them sense W/we have said otherwise.

As you all know, i detest drama. Sense i posted the link on my imvu web page that is all it has caused. To much drama and heart ache. Quite frankly more then this is worth... i hope the few readers i have can understand this move i am forced to make. And maybe, just maybe when things calm down i will come back to this and start a new. i'm doubting it. But anything is possible right?

People have been just giving my blog to others all willy-nilly and this is the only way to stop that. If you found my blog on your own then i'm sorry to end it this way. If it was just given to you.. You were not interested in my journey or the issues that i had to blog about. You weren't even interested in anything other then seeing for yourself the malicious lies that others have wasted your time with and for that i am also sorry. So to stop wasting your time, this is the end of my public journal.

For the ones that are spreading this as if it is their own property. You know exactly who you are. It is wrong to do that. If people are truly interested, let them find it on their own with out any pre-conceived notions about what "you say" is in there! It is unfair to the readers AND the writer themselves. Would you want me to give out your information that you worked hard to create? No, i didn't think so! Post it now you little bitch

Once again i'm sorry to end it this way with no previous warning. i hope Y/you all find other writings to relate to. There are many out there. Good luck!

On the road again, cant wait to get on the road again.

Master and i are once again back out on the road. The truck is finally fixed god willing. The last time that we had it worked on it took about a month for the batteries to brake again. i am already tired and we just started.

We are pulling a very heavy load of Beer to Granite City Illinois. Then off to the very depths of Southern Texas. The load was suppose to be ready at 9:00AM this morning, but it was around 5:30PM by the time the darn thing was actually loaded.

So Master and i went out to breakfast which turned out to be the lunch buffet. It was yummy. Southern food is the best thing in the world other then Indian and Italian. Made my tummy full and yummy lol. Our phone charger died sometime this week and we have been conserving our battery until we could afford a new one. And today was that day. i had to answer three messages from a friend of mine and Master is now on the phone with a buddy of His. Apparently they are putting their heads together so we could possible meet up with them. After the last disaster i am extremely hesitant about meeting anyone from Master's past. Except His little girl. i'm actually looking forward to that. Plus i do better with kids then adults anyway. Adults piss me off with all their pre-conceived notions and stupidity. Children are much more entertaining to hang around.

There really isn't all that much to tell. Today has just been a day of relaxation that we didn't really need. Enough with the relaxing already. Master has been edgy, wanting to leave and get back on the road. And in all honesty so have i. It's actually good to be back on the road again. Just don't tell anyone i said so.

The plague of unanswered questions!

Master and i are still in Atlanta. We had a load this morning that was suppose to pick up today and deliver tomorrow. But when we got here, (The shippers) they told Master that it wouldn't be ready until tomorrow at 5:30PM eastern time. He has been trying to figure all of this out sense we got here. Sadly, there has been no progress. Add onto that the two facts that i am in dire need of a restroom (which they don't have for us lowly drivers) and that i haven't had anything to eat all morning, this becomes quite unbearable. Situations like this make me very edgy and cranky. Master is about to go drive back to the Atlanta yard to wait. At least there they have bathrooms... and vending machines. Master won't dare drop His trailer though. The other drivers are like sharks when it comes to empty trailers. If you drop one there is a 99.99% chance that you won't be getting it back with this company..

Yesterday morning when i woke up, i had to go into the building and i found Master in front of the T.V. Which is perfectly fine. When i sat down the first thing He asked me was, "What kind of mood are you in?". Usually when He asks me that it is only to see where my head is at because His is in the gutter... The deliciously deviant gutter! After i had woken up a bit Master and i went back to the truck. He decided to play Age of Empires: The trial addition for a while. 

i had a bunch of images in my head of being tied up and smacked, flogged and fucked so naturally i was drenched. i asked Master if i would be allowed to play and He said yes and handed over my toy! While i was doing that He came back to the bed and stood there... Then to my surprise unzipped His pants. i don't know about Y/your house hold but when my Master does that it only means one thing. i took my toy out and got on all fours and proceeded to suck His cock. It was very yummy! He wouldn't let me suck Him to completion because as He put it, "That's for later..." and went back to His game and let me finish playing. :)

Later that night Master gave me exactly what i have been needing for weeks! A very yummy, intense scene. It started with me just sitting on the bed to being stripped, blindfolded and having clothes pins placed on my nipples. Those things hurt like CRAP! i can never stand to have them on for to long their to painful. After that Master tied me to a handle in the wall, with me laying on my back arms over my head while He used His belt on me... Every where on my body was being kissed with the leather. About a third of the way in i was already on the verge of tears but i was also drenched so Master didn't stop. i also didn't ask/tell Him to stop either. i wanted to go as far as i could that night. i didn't want to hold anything back and i wanted to be at the place where i didn't have to think after wards. It was just intense feelings over-riding my brain. It was wonderful! 

Unfortunately before Master could finish and cum some guy knocked on the door. Master had to get dressed and see what the hell. Apparently some guy said that the empty we were on was His trailer and it was loaded which is a bunch of horse shit and by the end of the conversation with the guy Master busted Him in the pricks lies. Although Master was mad He was in to good a mood to argue with yet another old, bald black man that day.

When Master and i have such intense scenes like that, it makes me feel completely owned. i'm not talking about the mushy i'm going to be His for all eternity. No. What i'm talking about is the flood of emotions that course through my body after an experience like that. When you are thoroughly used, marked, mind-fucked and well, fucked there is no escaping your position in the relationship. It's like the man sears it onto my brain with a red hot poker. Along with the good emotions come some not-so-good questions. i have only had to ask and answer them once. 

The questions like: "Why am i putting myself through this much pain?" or "If He truly loves me, then why is He hurting me and making me cry?" or the hardest one for me yet, "Aren't i suppose to be more then a fuck-toy or punching bag?"...

 The last question is still very new in my mind. i haven't been able to answer it yet. i know i'm not just His punching bag or fuck-toy, but in moments like that the mind wonders... Now, lets analyze a moment shall we? (See what it's like in my head 24/7.. pour souls you.) If i was 100% submissive in my ways and thinking wouldn't i be exactly that? i mean at times i am in fact His fuck-toy. i get used for His pleasure then put back on the shelf until next time with out pleasure of my own. Also being His fuck-toy or punching bag gives Him pleasure so therefor it should give me pleasure, right? So because half the time it doesn't give me pleasure does that mean i'm not submissive enough? Or does that mean i'm a "bad" slave, because i have needs that are somewhat selfish? i would like to say no. That i am not a "bad" slave but instead i'm just being human. If you look at the human animal... We are selfish creatures as a whole. Some of us are worse then others. We like to have our needs met before we go around and helping other people with theirs. It's the "You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" mentality. Some times that isn't very condusive to being in the "submissive/slave" mindset. So many things in todays culture/world are conspiring against the mentality of submission. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there. Where women are trying to be men, and men are trying to be women. There is no true "Boss" in any dimanic. If you were to tell anyone that you were in this lifestyle you would be shunned. Our community is very small in numbers. Hell, even within that community you might be judged because of what you like or don't like. 

i just think there is no accurate way to decide what is acceptable as a slave and what isn't. The only one that should really have that kind of power over you and your actions should be your owner. Although on the flip side of that coin. The best person to make sure you keep up with the rules or guidlines is yourself. You are either your best friend or worst enemy. i am the same way. Hense the struggle i have been having recently. 

i have a lot to think about as you can quess.. 

Terminals are soooo Boring!

Well, we are still in the Terminal in Atlanta Ga. The only good thing about that is the truck is now in the shop. Unfortunately it's Friday. The company He works for has a tendency to go uber slow on Friday. They just do the work that is expected of them so they can go home for the weekend sooner rather then later. And on any other circumstances I would half-way agree with that. But not this time. If we have to stay still all weekend then we are going to have to get a large-ish loan once more. Which will put our grand total over $-3000 in the hole. With the rate we are going right now, I don't foresee getting out in a L.O.N.G while! Master is going to be livid if this happens. So livid in fact that He will be calling His FM and make them pay for the hotel. However long we stay there. It was not our idea to come to this blasted place. We could of had the battery fixed in the TA truck stop in Cartersville Ga... Two nights ago! But alas it wasn't and now we are stuck.

They just came to get Master conserning the seat so we might actually be out of here today. Thank goodness. I am crossing my fingers for that outcome. And holding my breath! I so don't want to be stuck here all weekend. That would make getting out of the hole impossible with this company anyway. We can't go to company drivers because of the trial. Plus Master likes His freedom. And also if we go back to mileage then we won't have the freedom to pick our own loads and get to the court house in time. Plus it would be the exact same money just no garuntee on the same miles. I guess I will wait and see what Master decides... It's all pretty much a waiting game from here on in anyway.

The truck drivers here were playing practical jokes with this fake snake. This poor man would of ran into the wall if they didn't tell Him the snake was a fake. It was funny! The only bad thing about all of that is that they just kept going and going. These kind of things are suppose to be spontanious, not every person that comes by. 

It's now 7:12pm and I think the truck is done. It wasn't in the shop and Master had to go look for it. So either they pulled it out so we can sleep or it's done. I bet you can't guess which one I am rooting for. I so don't want to be here another day with being soo bored. There is only so many roudy truck drivers here it isn't funny. I have been hit on with insinuations in the last two minutes exactly three times. Now if Master was here next to me, they would NEVER do that! This is something that I have to deal with on a daily basis. I have on a bagy rain coat on and they still do this. I don't even want to think about what they would do if I took it off and just wore what is underneath. With out Master here I would never do that, for that reason alone. It's gotten so bad that I don't feel comfortable not wearing a bra like Master wishes and loves. I don't feel safe unless I have that extra protection from prying eyes or otherwise I don't feel safe. I don't like hearing people talking about me when they are talking about cars then I hear... "Will you let her? (drive his car)"... "Yeah, I'll ride her...". What kind of sickness is that? It's not like I am flirting with anyone. I have no desire to flirt with stinky truck drivers. Nuh-uh! No thank you!!

I understand that they are men and I'm in a male predominate business but that still doesn't give them the right to stare like they do and insinuate such vile things. It makes me very nervous to be by myself with so many men.

I have HUGE trust issues when it comes to men. They only reason I trust Master is because when we were still getting to know one another He proved to me that I could and that He will always take care of me. 

Master just came back and they broke our radio! He is once again livid! I have to go calm Him down.

Life goes on

This week has become increasingly more taxing and complicated as the days pass by. There is just so much going on that I, quite frankly, don't know where to start.. The best course would probably be the beginning, I know but that is the hardest part... What is the beginning of this weeks emotional roller-coaster? When I sat my butt in the seat or when I got in line? Hell, let's start with the line.

For the past couple of months I have really been strugling with who I am, not only as a person but also as my Master's property. Sometimes I get so fed up with the double standards that are in every day living that I just want to scream, literally. Ever sense the collar was slapped on my neck I have had a rough time getting past the "normal" standards and rules. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, " Well if it's ok for Him to be doing this, then why can't I?" which is exactly the attitude that I try to avoid. I have an image ingraved into my brain of what a slave should look like and, most importantly, how she should act. I guess that is why I get so frustrated with my own submission and slavery because there is no way in hades that I act like I think I should. I know that I am subconsiously and consiously setting myself up for failure when I do this. I keep comparing myself to this fake being in my head and when I fall short, I am actually angry and dissapointed in myself. Another fault I have is compairing my submission/slavery to those I read about in blogs. These blogs are apart of what brought me to this lifestyle. In a way I look up to them. I know they are one a way different level then I am on, but I still try and be as good if not better then them. And I just can't do that. For one, I'm not them mentally or emotionally and two, I'm just not at the level they are at. Hell, they have been doing it for 5+ years where as I have only been doing it for 1+ years. I have been working on not doing that, but these last couple of months have been extremely hard on all counts. Especially this one!

Now on top of finding my own level of submission/slavery, Master has decided to push me out of my safty zone in All aspects of my life. The scenes are going to get rougher and harder for me to handle physically. He is going to start treating me more as a slave then as His fiance, which means more control, dicipline and structure. Actually those three are the very fantastic parts of all of this! I have been wanting Him to do just that for so long. Now that I have it, to be perfectly honest I'm not quite sure what to do with it. I'm the dog always chasing after the cars... But now that I have caught up to it, what do I do??

I am scared stupid about being taken out of my safety zone, but at the same time I am looking forward to just how far I can go. How is it that the things that can excite you the most can also scare you stupid? There are a lot of things like that out there for me. This one is just the most prominate and pressing of them.

We finally got the phone call from Master's sister-in-law telling us when the court date is. As you know we have been scrambling to get custody of His daughter M for a while now. And sense Master is the last livng parent she has it helps our case a bit. I'm still not sure how all of this lifestyle stuff and having a 10 almost 11 year old in the house will work. But we will make it work. Anyway, the court date is set for June 4th in Illinois. We have already told our FM that we absolutely HAVE to have that date off. He set it for June 3rd so we don't miss it. Now all we have to do is wait, then route ourselves up there. And pray. There has been lots and lots of praying going on around here lately. And I'm not that religious. But we need all the help we can get right now.

Along with everything else, the truck went spazzy again last night! We were in the T.A truck stop in Cartersville Ga doing some laundry and watching T.V, and while we were in there the damn thing died... While it was running! Sense we had the truck looked at in Concord Master has been extremely cautious about not leaving the truck running to the point where it is always running. It's gotten to the point where if we leave it for over an hour with out running it will die. Even after they supposidly put in a new battery. Now the coolant sensor is acting up along with the now second dead battery. Master is beyond livid. We had to sit today because the shop couldn't get to us today at the local yard. Master said that if they don't get to it tomorrow and finish it tomorrow, the company will be paying for a hotel! We didn't ask to come here. Hell, we didn't have a choice so if they strand us here, they better not expect us to pay for the stupid thing! 

A hotel would do so much good right now. But physically it will do so much damage. It's kind of a coin toss on which one we concentrate on first. The sitting for two days and not making money or the oppertunity to be in a hotel. :)  I know which one I'm secretly hoping for even if it is irrational. And who ever said I was the rational one anyway??

Way to Tired

As the title states I am all of a sudden tired. It just kinda hit so I am getting this out of the way so I can pass out!

The last couple of days have been really good for Master and I. We have had a couple of really good, long, and serious conversations. Mostly about us and this lifestyle. We talked about how I am playing it safe in scenes and how He is playing it safe every where else. I always end up using my safe word long before I know I have to use it. Maybe like Master said, it's just me staying within my safe zone. I am always afraid to take it one step further or five/six good swats past my comfort zone in case I don't like it. Once there I cant go back. Master will never allow that, but instead will push me even farther to take eight/nine extra swats. He is always testing my boundaries seeing if the ones in place are torn down and where the new ones are at. I have never had a problem sticking to the decisions I have made in any aspect of my life, this is no different. My problem has always been getting there. And that is what my problem is now. I am so afraid to open myself up to the point that I have to be in order to give Master the submission He demands at times. When I am in that state of mind there is no hiding things from anyone including myself. I'm going to have to work on that in order to get to the next level in our relationship.
Master is more or less playing it safe in the mundane aspect of our life. He doesn't like to punish or treat me like a personal fuck-toy that I am. I think after our talk He understands that sometimes Him doing all of that is actually helping me instead of hurting me and my views of myself. He doesn't want me to believe Him when He calls me a "slutty little cock-sucker who is only here for Him...". I would never think of myself as worthless now that I have found Master. He has proved to me just how valuable and needed I actually am. And I have told Him that very thing a couple of times.

From what I can tell from the last few days... Things are lookin up! I could not be happier. I am even getting my flirty side back with Master. I have felt giddy, happy, content, sexy and loved more in the last week then I have any other time. Sometimes a relationship is just perfect. Times where everything clicks together smoothly and both parties are on the same wave length that there is no real communication needed to relay their needs to one another.. That is how it has been this week. I am holding on to all of those feelings as hard as I can for as long as I can.

Sometimes things seem to good to be true and this is one of them. But here's hoping!

And now I am off to la-la land.
Night everyone!
:)

(untitled)

Master and I are sitting here waiting to be dispatched on our next load. He sent His FM two messages telling them He was ready but they haven't done anything yet. Ever sense we got back from our week off, things seem... off. I don't know how to discribe it. Master's FM isn't doing His job as well as He use to. They are even slower getting back to Master. Before that dreadful week, He would get an answer right away and not have to wait almost an hour sometimes longer. I don't know maybe it's my imagination. I highly doubt it, but it's possible. After all anything is possible. Master of course thinks I'm crazy about this. But He thought that about Dorris to. Our last FM, who was in fact trying to screw Master over at every oppertunity. It took Him over five almost six months to finally see it. But at least He got it...

While are waiting I was catching up on some blogs that I read. My life has been uber hectic lately so I haven't had much time to write blogs much less read any. I was really shocked to read that a slave decided to "reject slavery" as she put it. She told her Master she didn't want to be a slave anymore and her wish was granted. I use to think that she was happy in her position and was reveling in it. But it turns out it was quite the opposite. It was to stressful for her. And it is very stressful. I'm kind of glad she felt that way, it lets me know that I'm not the only one that is stressed out by this lifestyle. Don't get me wrong. I'm not glad she was stressed, just that I am not alone in those feelings. I was hopping T/they would of been one of those M/s couples to actually make it in this lifestyle. But if it isn't in her heart or soul to be a slave anymore, I don't think she should force herself to be one. Especially if it isn't her true being. 

Even though my life is pretty hectic, there isn't really anything new to report. We are still driving this infurnal truck. I am becoming even less inclinded to like this business. Or the fact that Master is letting it rule His life and by extension... mine. I knew becoming a business owner would be stressful for Him. But I didn't know that He was going to let it interfere with His family, happiness and our relationship! I basicaly eat, sleep and shit this business. My diet is suffering to the point that not only am I not loosing weight but I am gaining weight instead. I have to hurry to get food, go to the bathroom, and shower. All because they are in public places. I can't take an hour or longer in a shower because there is always a line waiting for them. I get food when Master is getting gas to cut down the time we spend out of the truck so we can drive further. It's just so assinine. I am sick of hurrying. When we sit down in a resturant for an actual meal, I don't know how to act. I always have to eat quickly so I can hand Master His food/drink while He is driving. So when I don't have to hurry I still end up doing it. I never know what town/city we are going to sleep in because we are never in the same place longer then a day. It's get up, go use the restroom, get food and drive... For 10 hours straight. No breaks in between unless you count running in to get more food or to use an actual toilet a break. I don't! I haven't seen MY family in almost a year. Every time I call my mother brings that up. I feel more and more guilty for that every time. What am I suppose to tell her? "Until we have cash in the bank, I can't come see you.." or " Sorry Mom, the business is more important then you right now..." Sure I will get right on that death train!! 

Master and I have been off for a while now. Little itty-bitty things will set us off in an argument. Last night it was food proportions for crying out loud! All because I showed concern for how much food they would give Master and if He would still be hungry I got the reply... "That's all you do. Bitch, Bitch, Bitch..." At that point in our fights/tantrums/pissing contests I don't give a rats ass anymore. After comments like that I go quite. I shut down and go numb. What else am I suppose to do? Especially when the only thing I want to do is slap Him square in the back of His head or throw my collar at Him. But I know a couple of people that would just LOVE to have that happen.

I have to find a load that can't wait 10 minutes. So I will have to come back and edit this post.. See what I mean when I say the business is my life?! I cant have 20 minutes to myself to write a blog!!

Life

I was putting google to work a little while ago. I have been searching for a good website that has B.D.S.M toys and furnature. Plus some items that would fit nicely in this truck. Sense it is a rather small space, we can't exactly fit a kennel in here. Master has been having a hard time getting creative with scenes and ways to tie me up. Well, this site kind of stood out. It has some pretty good restraints that don't have to be drilled into anything. And their floggers, whips and clamps are of good quality. Or that is what the pictures depict. On the big furnature the only draw back is they are non-refundable. So Master is going to have to really look at the items or I have to go searching for a better, refundable website for those. They also had a couple of good collars to replace the one I have. I liked the black leather 1" band with red heart designs on it. Plus it has the O-ring that Master wants so it is a win-win. There was also a little 1/2" choker that came in black or white. Simple and acceptable for either work or special occasions. It just looks like a fashion statement without the O-ring. The black and red heart one was around $36.00 and the chokers were only $10.00. Both good investments.

But whether the investment the right move right now is a different story. Master is currently in the process of getting His daughter M, as you all know. And with a child in the house once again the lifestyle will be put on the back burner. It won't be how I always imagined it if He gets custody. Don't get me wrong, I want Him to get His little girl. It just hinders things a bit. I won't be able to call Him Master or kneel by His side. And I deffinately cant be tied to the couch naked either. It's frustrating to think that I have been waiting for a place to finally start this lifestyle I have chosen, and now I will have the place but no lifestyle. It will end up being more of a 1950's house hold then anything else. Except I won't be wearing a dress and heels while vaccuuming. Once we get a place and M, Master is going to switch jobs for a local. He is really unhappy about that. He has worked so hard to make this truck, His business, work and now He will have to give that up for going not only company but local as well. No more traveling the country, seeing the sights. But at least He will be home every night or every weekend. That is exactly why He is going to do it. He can't be a full time dad while being an over-the-road trucker.

We were stopped at a little shit hole truck stop this morning. They would have made us pay to park, and they didn't even have public bathrooms! What kind of crud is that? The only good that came out of it was we got to play with this adorable little stray dog. Master and I got really attached rather quick. He started calling the little tyke Benji. He looked like one to. He had a wirey coat with black, brown and white. His eyes were just soo cute and he was relatively healthy. I had convinced Master to keep Benji and we had him in the truck. He didn't really like it. I think he was just one of those dogs that prefer to be an outside pup. He wasn't skinny but instead rather plump so he was eating regularly. And when we had him in the truck, two people started to walk up until Benji hopped out of the truck and ran to him. So he had people, but they just thought it was ok to leave him in a crappy truck stop instead of take him home. But he seemed ok and happy so I don't feel as bad leaving him. I want to go back and smack his owners but what can you do?

Now we are back on the road going to Spartansburg South Carolina. We are suppose to deliver there on the 10th but we could get there tonight if we wanted. Then we have to get online and book another load. Hopefully up north somewhere because my allergies are killing me. I took my last cleritan yesterday, so I am hanging on by a thread, or napkin which ever.

I am trying to figure out a new roleplay to do on IMVU.com. Master and I have been doing the vampire thing for a while, but how many necks can you bite already? There isn't that much you can do with that theme. I was thinking about changing the setting to Old New Orleans and stay vampires but that can only play out for so long too. Everyone on that site is either doing vampires, B.D.S.M, Gorean or strip clubs. Those are the basics. Every once in a while you come across some stray story but not very often. And most are done by beginners. I was also thinking about doing an ancient Rome setting. But that would have to be researched. Then it poped into my head to become Slavers and still be in the Ancient Rome setting. People are always looking for slaves and people are always pretending to be slaves. That is the best one I have came across so far. But it would have to be a serious roleplayers only type deal. Not everyone will play along with being captured, trained then sold off to some person. But it deffinately caught my eye. 

It's 1:24 am on Monday morning central time. I am kind of acting as Master's personal alarm clock today because He has to get up in an hour to be able to deliver a load on time. So when He get's up I go to bed. Until I get my rest and then I will probably get up to keep Him company and awake. I found this really cool chat room that was revolved around B.D.S.M. The people actually knew what they were talking about. It wasn't just a game or about sex with them. They were just there to hang out and talk with like minded people. It was very refreshing. I am absolutely dog tired so I think this post is done.

Buh-bye

*Rolls her eyes* (Venting, don't take it personally)

Yesterday while I was checking Master's email and deleting pesky spam I came across a rather scathing message. It has been some time sense she tried to comunicate with Master, other then a small gift on IMVU.com. (Why she bothered with that, I will never know) I thought we were done with all the drama from the failed attempt to expand O/our family. But alas I was wrong again. I came on here to write a post breaking down the message into small pieces and addressing them seperately. But Master has forbid me to do just that. So all I can say is... Bravo. The timing was perfect.

I am tired of people calling my Master a coward or a fake. Exactly who is the judge of that? Who is the person that gets to dictate what exactly qualifies someone to either be a "True Dom/sub" or a "Fake"? I don't think any one person has the right or priviledge to do that. Just because someone has different views of what B.D.S.M is all about doesn't mean anyone with different veiws is wrong. They arn't a fake or any thing else. Those are two phrases I absolutely hate the most. What makes Y/you so special that Y/your oppinion matters? There is only two oppinions that count in any type of relationship. That is those of the participants. Any outside oppinions are just a waste of breath. Or helpful tips when asked for by the participants. 

A lot of people that are angry with my Master throw those two words at Him. If they knew anything at all, they wouldn't even think those words in the same sentance with His name. For my own beliefs and oppinions, my Master is one of the best Dominate's out there. That is why I chose to submit to Him and only Him. Even in the small things He has a way of letting you know your displeasing Him with out saying a word. Or just His altogether mannerisms. He exudes confidance, pride, courage and a basic know-how of the things He does. Random people acknowledge it every time they speak to Him. It's never, "Hey man, can I bum a light?" or "Which way is the front desk?". It's always, "Excuse me Sir, can I bum a light?" or "Sir, whick way is the front desk?". Master asked me one day if it is noticable what/who He is. The question made me speachless. I of course thought He already knew the answer. I thought He was testing me or just fooling around. But after a pause of neither of us talking and His expression serious, I realized He didn't actually know. So I answered Him the best I could, "Uh, Yeah actually it is. You have a way about You that demands respect..." He was a little startled by it I guess because He was quiet for a long while. Thinking and mulling things over I guess. Plus He is 6ft even and tattooed all over His arms that always show. Kinda intimidating to people who don't know Him. And definately NOT a coward!

We are done being unloaded and have to go. I don't know if I will have the proper connection to continue, so I will edit later and continue on. :)

Update

As you all can tell last week was hell on earth with a little sliver of heaven mixed in. The wake and funeral were all rough. His ex's mom is filling for emergency custody of M, his daughter. K, his oldest daughter has decided to help A and G get custody of M. So we are looking for a different building to live.

We spent three days out of the week in hotels. It was fantastic in so many ways. Master also decided to make it so I don't trust Him or anyone else on that stupid computer program after he decided to get sexual with some bitch. Yes, I am still possessive of my Master. After the last disaster with another girl joining the family I think I have changed my mind on having a three person family. I no longer want to share Him with some girl that might or might not become a raving lunatic when she doesn't get her way. I don't want to feel preassured into anything again. IF and that is a HUGE If we get another girl to join the family. She has to have no previous experience so she isn't comparing Master with any other Dom. Because He is one of a kind. That will never change. And she must learn her place from the get go. No more disrespecting the Family or our House! Which was what the other girl did. From the very beginning.

Anyway this is just a recap of what is going on. We are once again driving and delivering a load to Cincinatti Ohio. Then picking one up there and going to texas. I will write more at another time. Right now my connection is all messed up.

Sorrow

Today was the wake for Master's ex-wife. Because His daughter was staying with A, we had to fork out cash for a hotel we can not afford right now. Plus food we can't afford right now. So we are sitting ducks so to speak. It's been challenging this last week sense He got the phone call from A. Today was the worst of it though.

Before we went over to the funeral home, Master and I stopped off at the hotel to check in and put our things in the room. Well, while He was in the restroom the phone rang... it was A. He hurried out of the bathroom and answered the phone. She called to tell Him that I was not welcome at the wake or funeral and that if He decided to bring me anyway, Master would be arrested. They decided to have the place guarded by the police of the local city. (Can't remember the cities name) He was livid. I have never seen Him pace that much in my entire life... until now. The sad part is that His daughter K was the one that told A I was coming. We were staying at her place until Friday. We spent $60 on food for her and her daughter that we don't have and that is how she repays us? Nice move. So Master is at the wake and I am here alone in the hotel. When I think I am finally over this, that I am done crying it sinks in further. How hated must I be to be not allowed to a funeral? They don't even know me and they treat Master and I like this. I use to think that K accepted me and that I wasn't leaving Master but I'm not so sure anymore. This just showed me that once again I should have listened to my head and gut instead of my heart. I have wanted to just belong sense I was a little girl. And I thought that this was a perfect opportunity to do just that. But I was wrong. I am never going to be accepted by His family. Our age difference is to much. And I don't think they really want Him to be happy. For some reason I think that they think because of His horrible past He doesn't deserve it... But He is the one that deserves it the most. He needs to be shown more now then ever that He is lovable. That He isn't a bad person... And that I will never leave Him. 


Being here alone a lot of things have crossed my mind, not all of them good. I've thought about how Him and I can be truly happy with no one accepting us and our relationship. Every where we go we get weird looks. It's like the world is trying to tell us that it is wrong. That we don't belong with one another... But if it was so wrong, then why does it feel so right? How is it that we can be in a crowded room and (to us) it is as if we were the only two people on the planet? Sometimes we are that couple you see flirting and kissing on each other in the McDonald's line. Yep, we have done that. When He is away I get nervous. I don't know why but it doesn't feel right not being by His side. It killed me when He had to walk out of the room...


I don't know why it hurts so much to find out that people I don't even know wont give me a chance. They would rather call me a bitch, little girl and whore then look at me. What did I ever do to them other then love my Master? Nothing! I have never met A or G. (G is the ex's mother) Yet I am ostracized like a leper and I can't figure out why! I'm a good person. I try not to swear, I pray all the time, I believe in god and second chances. So why wasn't I given a first chance? I just don't get it. I probably never will either.


I called my mother about this and she was livid too. She started cursing out people she didn't even know. All because I called her crying. She told me that they were lucky she didn't have any money or she would be on the first flight here.


He's back I gotta go.

Filler... Don't ya hate them?

We are here at Master's daughters house. Him and little j his grand daughter are playing around. They are just adorable. Playing the "tickle spider" but Master takes it a step over the normal tickle and get's himself stuck... with His own hand. Her giggle is the best medicine right now. Later on we are going to take her to Ihop for dinner. We are watching her while her mom is at work. Which in fact is the same place we are taking her. It's close by and Master likes Ihop.

I am still dreading tomorrow because His daughter's moms mom is going to give Him hell about M. She is going to file for emergency custody. And quite frankly my Master is going to be livid tomorrow. Things just arn't going to be at all tollerable tomorrow.

This is just a little pre-imptive strike post I guess. Anyway I have to go help Master deal with a roudy 5yr old that thinks everything is about her. Sounds just like someone else I know. Only this one is trainable.

Pics as promised

Here are the pictures that I said I would post. These are on the Mountain range between Tennessee's and North Carolina's Borders. If you have never traveled that way, I advise you do it either in the spring when it's all green or in the peak of Fall colors. But don't fly, drive. These were taken on I-40. Sorry about the bug guts. It comes with the job details lol.

 

Fun Filled Week Already

On Friday Master got a call from His step daughter A telling Him that His ex-wife died sometime the night before or that morning. He was in such shock that He was fumbling with the phone. She was taking care of His youngest daughter (well their daughter) and now that she passed away Master is the only living parent so the custody get's transferred to Him. Which is a good thing if you think about it. It's the silver lining in the thunderstorm of a mess that is holding us together. Master is frantic to get to Illinois so we can get things together.

We will be turning in the paperwork for an apartment that is extremely cheap. The complex is actually really nice. They are working on fixing it up as we speak. From what Master has told me it use to be the worst so the new management must know what she is doing, because everyone is now flocking to that place. Given our situation and our drastic need to have a place we are hoping that we will be bumped up on the waiting list. But if not we will just do what we are doing now and wait for the phone call telling us we get it. So His daughter M will be staying with His oldest daughter K until then. So Master is also going through the steps of stopping the child support that went to His ex and transferring it to His daughter K to offset the costs. Also we are hoping the building will allow me to stay at Her apartment which is in the same complex until a unit becomes available so I can start looking for work and help out with the money situation even more. Start saving money hear and there for furniture and all of that crud you need to have a comfortable living arrangement.

Plus the funeral is this week so the first time I will be meeting that side of the family will be then... Fun fun. I of course have to go because Master needs me to be there for moral/emotional support so He can be strong for His little girl and family. The only side affect of having a Master that had a previous family. Dealing with the ex-in-laws and so on. But for the last couple of months His ex, F, was actually making nice. They were getting along and we were actually talking a little bit. I think she finally realized that no matter what she thinks I'm not going any where and that I will become a perminate member of Master's family. So I will be involved in M's life. And a part of her understood that...

That is the part of this whole situation that is scaring the crap out of me. Because of Master's job He will be away a lot when we get a place. So I will be there with His daughter basically taking care of her. Don't get me wrong I love kids, but I never thought I would be in charge of any. I use to want a big family full of kids and a couple of animals but things changed that picture in my head to No kids and lots of animals. Well, now it is changed again. I knew this was a very big possibility, that M was at some point going to move in with us and live with her daddy, but I just wasn't prepared for it being so soon. It was very sudden. I felt the world crash around me and now I have to deal with some inner fears that I have. No one in my family is really a good parent or role model. I am just afraid that that is genetic and I will mess all of this up. I couldn't live with myself if I ruined her experiences like my mother/aunt did to me. I don't want her to feel what I felt growing up. I know it's silly but being in charge of another living person, one who isn't old enough to know who she is or where she is going yet. She is only 10 years old. She is starting to find her true being. So everyone she is in contact with at this crucial time will shape that person. They will either encourage her or tear her down. And I don't want to be one of the people that tears her down.

I know it is way to soon to think about this kind of thing but that is how my mind works. It worries about everything right away so that way when I am faced with the challenges that were already worked through in my head I am somewhat prepared for them. It doesn't always work like that, but I haven't found any other way that works for me. I have thought about eloping so I can make a decision concerning M if Master is out on the road all the way to what color dish towels I want for the kitchen and bathroom. Also heath care for M first then us second and getting my license finally so K won't have to cart us around. My mind is just one big cluster fuck right now. I am trying to unravel it as we speak but that is a process that will take time with this situation...

I took pictures of The Mountains along the Tennessee border and North Carolina. I will post all of them in a separate post.

Sexual puppet

Last night Master used me for His sexual gratification. I was blindfolded and had clothes pins on my nipples while I was directed to suck His cock. It can get quite messy when you do that blindfolded. You have no idea where anything is and your spit just goes everywhere. Which is ok for Him because He likes it sloppy. Most women would turn their noses at being cum on with no gratification for them, but in this lifestyle not only is it acceptable it happens alot for Master and I. I have never had a problem with being used this way. It is when He wants me to swallow His cum that I cringe. It's a psychological thing, I don't like the taste and I know little swimmy thing's are going around my throat and teeth. *shudders*

There are some times when it isn't quite so bad but that is when I have been used to the point of exaustion and I don't really care what happens next. After being used I get a feeling of being lowered and in a way put in my place. I get kind of funny afterwards, in the sense that I haven't quite gotten use to the feelings that insue the usage. I like the before anticipation and the during thrill, but the after feelings are a bit unsettling. Master and I talked about this for a little while last night and He assured me that what I feel after being used as His sexual puppet is normal. And that if I didn't feel these things, He would be worrying. No one likes to be used or the feelings that happen after being used, but there are times when it does/will happen.

Master also asked me, "Do you get any pleasure out of pleasing me that way?". I had to answer honestly even though at the time I didn't want to. I told Him that the only way that I get pleasure out of being used is when I am used to the brink of exhaustion. Basically fully and completely. Chained, gaged, blindfolded and fucked to pieces then spanked, whipped and hit with the belt from my breasts to my toes. Then I get the pleasure and gratification that even though I didn't cum, I gave my Master the pleasure that He needs. I fueled His sadistic side and His need to use me. Then and only then do I really get any pleasure out of being used.

As far as I am concerned the drama with an online someone is done and over with. I have decided to look at this from a different perspective. I am going to ejoy the things that I can partake in. Concentrate on my submissive side and my slavery to my Master. I am going to let the drama and harshness of other people drip right off my back. And no longer worry about any of this. I have in a sense washed my hands of this mess.

We have a load going to Amsterdam NewYork that picks up tomorrow. Master is going to try and get it early. If we can pick it up early, we can deliver early and go get the one comming out of MA that delivers right back down to NC and have all the profit on this weeks settlement. So we could conceivably be out of the hole this week and stay out! *does a little happy dance*

Gotta go help Master park and all that nonsense.

Thinking as one

(Was suppose to be for Yesterday but internet was off)
Apparently Master and I were thinking alike yesterday with out even knowing it. He was having an image in His head all day of placing a kennel in between the seats, puting me in it and feeding bits of food or snacks to me through out the day. With out speaking to one another we were thinking about the same deviant fantasies. It is very strange sometimes to think that we are so much alike that we sometimes think the same things.

Then again sometimes Master pushes the fantasies to the max. Testing the boundaries or limits that I have put into place to see exactly how far I will go with a certain thing. And sometimes that is a bit to far for my taste.

I am still getting use to the idea of being used as just property. As either a toy for Master's pleasure, a piece of furnature or a trinket to dress up and show off. Any and all of those should be viewed as very wrong. But they arn't, just like the pup play. I still have a smallish struggle to get into the mindset to allow that sort of thing to happen. I think the more that Master uses me in that way the easier it will be. Practice makes perfect after all.
Sense this is my first relationship that I have had to lower myself into a type of second class citizenship I still have thoughts, feelings and ideals that arn't befitting a slave. I still have a really hard time accepting the double standards of this life, but I am getting better. This is the life that I have chosen to live with the Man and Master that I love. I am going to strive to do it right. Master has this personality trait that demands that if someone does something (especially us) then they should do it right. Don't pussy foot around or make excuses for not doing it. Just do it and either get it done and move on, or get it done and learn from it. I have tried to live up to that statement the whole time I have been on this truck. And let me tell you, it wasn't pretty the first few months. I was fighting the rules, my place and my duties at every turn. With all of that I have gotten way better. If you think I'm bad now, You must not of known us in the beginning.

Like I've said before I know I'm not a perfect slave. That I do voice my concerns and argue with my Master when my beleifs are being questioned. But if Master still wants to own me and He doesn't mind any of that. Then everyone elses oppinion doesn't matter. The only one that I listen to is Him. If He tells me I'm out of line, then I am. But some person that isn't involved in any of this isn't going to tell me what I'm doing is wrong. Only Master has that kind of power.

Last night after my post people got all upity again. I wasn't talking about anyone and yet the drama still happened. Plus we were in roaming so not only did that phone call ruin His call with His daughter (by making it non-existant!) it also cost us a fortune we don't have! We have been in the hole with this business sense the beginning and now we have to spend extra just to set some chicky straight?? W.T.F. is up with that?! But Master and I talked about it for a long while last night. We came up with a simple solution. I ignore the drama and try to make nice. Which I will do once this conversation is over and done with. If it can be fixed it will be, if not it wont be. Either way it will be resolved. One way is good for Master, me and her. The other way is bad for everyone especially her. From this point on though I am going to ignore all the harsh digs, the pettiness and drama from everyone in my life and concentrate on my servitude to my Master.

Right now we are going along the mountains of West Virginia and a more pretty sight I can not imagine. The trees are all green and blooming. Everything is just breath taking right now. I really like the purple splotches from the trees. We go through so many places that have great views, sometimes it's taken for granted just how pretty it is up here. Master says that if people ignore it He figures it was made for Him to enjoy. And that is exactly what He does. He only gets to see small glimpses because He's driving but that is in a large part why I take the pictures. I can't wait until a digital camera shows up. I have a nack for taking pictures and always have. I really like doing it and now it helps Him see what He missed.

Right now I am going to enjoy the time that I have been gifted with this view and my Master.

Pup Play

For the past week and a half I have had a severe need to do pup play. I don't know why any of the activities of being a dog/puppy excite me. A part of me wants to deny it until I am blue in the face. But all you would have to do to know otherwise is mention putting my lying behind in a cage and I'm all aquiver as Master puts it. There is just something about being made to crawl on all floors everywhere I go, having to scratch at the bathroom door to pee or even eating out of a dog dish that makes my heart start to race in antisipation. Maybe it's the humiliation of it all that excites me. Because the worst thing ever is having to either pee outside or bark at the back door to let Master know that is exactly what I have to do. Those are two things that I am still unsure about. Their pretty extreme even for me.

The parts that excites me are sleeping in a cage, having a leash on, eating treats from Master's hand and eating from the doggie bowl. For some even that is extreme but it excites me like nothing else. It is the forbidden aspect of being a puppy girl that sends lustfull images of Master taking me from behind like the bitch that I am. I cant explain it.

This last couple of weeks/month has been really hard on me. To the point that I need to feel nothing but my Master's ownership. Exactly how much in control that He is. I need to be humiliated, lowered and put into my place to the max in order to let everything go. Basically I need to be whipped, gaged, and tied up. I need to be treated like a rag doll or bitch that is only here for my Master's pleasure. I don't need nice. I need harsh, extreme and humiliation. When I am stripped raw I am at my basic form. I am completely submissive and not able to think. Which is exactly what I need. When I am not thinking just feeling I am more in tune with my Master and HIS needs then anything else. It is the best way for me to center myself and get back to who I really am. Call it sub space or anything else you wish. I call it my Anna space.

I think tomorrow I will talk to Master about it. Tonight I know He just wants to relax and He has a phone call that He really doesn't want to make then He will call His little girl. I know He has been looking forward to that all day, and if the first conversation ruins that I will be livid. She hasn't seen anything yet if she takes that away from Him! *takes a deep breath* Plus We have been trying to get a good movie night in for a while now. And We have the munchies and time. So no time like the pressent right?

I have to help Master back up a 75 foot trailer with out hitting anything.

*His slave/pup/bitch :)

A section of the Rubiat, By Ohmar Kyan

 

The moving finger writes,
And having writ moves on,
Nor all thy piety nor wit shall luir it back to cancel half a line,
Nor all thy tears shall wash out a word of it.

I know I butchered the spelling of His name, but this is one of my favorite pieces in his works. Pretty much He is saying be careful what you say because once it's out there, it's out there. Once I read this a long while ago I have tried to do just that. But sometimes emotions are to raw that they slip out. And I don't try to take them back because I cant. All I can do is try to apologize if I think it's needed, or move on. Which is what I have done. When it comes to my feelings I wont apologize for them. Neither will I ignore them. I can't do that for anyone, not even my Master. He has learned that about me and has accepted that. Sometimes he doesn't like what I write, but he knows it's what I am feeling. So he doesn't get mad at me. But mad at the actions or situation that created those feelings. For his understanding I could not be more thankful.

Some people say that Master's can do whatever they want because they are the Dominate. Which is true. But the difference between my Master and some other Dominates, (not all of course)is that my Master is a nice guy. He knows that he can but he doesn't. Because he knows what that would do to me. Not only is he a nice guy but he is a gambling man. And the pro's are outnumbered by the con's of, for instance getting yet another girl. Master knows how I feel about him being with other girls. Not only am I extremely possessive of my Master but I am uneasy with the girl as well. All of that will affect my performance as His slave and His lil'one. Which will affect him. It's just not worth it to Him. And for that side of him that ways the pro's and con's I am 100% grateful. That part of his personality is what made me trust him in the very beginning. Just because he is Master doesn't mean it takes away the fact that he is also the love of my life. I fell in love with the man and the Master.

This last situation with drama a little while ago has really stung. (It's 4:04 PM this happened a little over an hour ago) I use to think that after all of this was resolved me and Blank would become friends and maybe be stronger together for it. But that was made very clear today that that isn't going to happen. I removed myself from the situation a couple of days ago but finally found a way to post it yesterday and today. Ever sense this started I was slowly removing myself from it because I felt they needed their privacy and it wasn't something that involved me. Yes, he is my Master but what he does in his free time and who he does it with is for him to decide. I have no say in that nor do I want any. I use to think that I had a right, a privilege to be involved with everything he does. But I have learned otherwise the last month. And I have accepted it. But for some reason doing that then blogging about it has caused more problems then any of this is worth. As far as I am concerned we are no longer friends, that she is just Master's girl on imvu and what happens now definitely isn't my business.

I use to think that all three of us were getting closer and closer as time went by. That this could possibly develope into a real life situation. But the more I think about it, any more wrong I could not have been. Her personality demands that she be an Alpha and I get that, I really do. But in this family their is already one of those and there isn't going to be another one. I know the way of things and where my place is. It's right at my Masters feet. I got and accepted that a long time ago. The chain isn't Master, me then anyone else. It's 1) Master 2) His daughter 3) me and then 4) any other girl he might want to add to the family. And that particular girl is going to have to understand that that is her place. That she is the second girl in the family and always will be. There is no advancing in the hierarchy of slaves. That's it. Now the sooner she gets that apon entering this family, the better it is going to be for everyone involved, especially Master. Who should be the first and last priority. But I know now that she will never accept this and it will be a constant struggle as time goes by. That's just the truth of the matter. I'm not trying to tell everyone her feelings or anything, just what I have gotten out of all the harsh offline messages every time I go to check my email. Or all the text messages she sends Master that he tells me about.

This last little bit pushed me over the edge into not-caring-land. I am Swiss about the whole thing. It has been made clear by her that this will never be fixed and that she will not allow it to be fixed. She is trying to tell me what to do at every turn. Trying to make me into the bad person. She tried telling Master that she couldn't ask questions or voice concerns. I specifically told her to ask questions and voice her concerns and limits. Master heard it and so did Sir C. So that doesn't fly. Hell, Master has even told her to ask questions or voice her concerns. What I think is wrong is the fact that she has decided, with out talking to Master, to "retaliate" on her imvu homepage. Everyone on imvu will know exactly what she is talking about and who she is talking about. But on here no one knows who Sir C is, or who Master is on there. Or even who I am on there.. They are just initials of people that affect my life in one way or the other. And that is exactly why I write here! Because this is neutral ground. I don't complain about anyone on my homepage. (Other then the fake that calls himself a Master, but that was a legit warning to all submissive on imvu)

I am siting here on the floor writing this out. Usually I come to the floor to feel more submissive. To find a way to think things through with out sounding mean or harsh. It doesn't always work, but it does help me make sense about what is going on in my head and heart. Although this time I know it isn't going to do any good. That she will find something wrong about this to if I post it. And it will cause even more problems for my Master. All because she can't read it for what it is. A slave venting in a safe, secure place that not only can her Master read, but other slaves that might be going through the same things. I write here because I cant voice my concerns by talking. I have a hard time getting past the "What will happen?" or "Is this what he wants to hear and will I get into trouble for it?" So I write. I don't hold back. Anything and everything that pops into my head gets written down as soon as my fingers start going. I don't have a filter. Maybe I should, but I don't and honestly I don't want one. If you don't like what you read don't read it. I have said that many many times before! And I will continue to keep saying that until the day God takes me.

Taking a step back

I have come to the realization that people are going to think what they want to think no matter how many times I try and clear it up. Some people just read what they want to and base everything else on false assumptions. Which is ok as long as it doesn't affect me. But when people get all bothered about something I write here that doesn't mean what they think or want it to, it affects me. It affects my level of submission to my Master. It affects my once good mood and I start to make mistakes with my Master. And that I can't have.

What people need to realize is things arn't always about them. If I say the sky is light grey, are you going to get offended because where your at its blue? No. It's just me stating a simple truth (because facts can be manipulated) about what the sky looks like HERE. That is all I ever do. State simple truths about my feelings as a whole or sometimes rather specifically. I am human. I do have feelings. Sometimes they are rather mean, hurtful and rude feelings to others but I have them. I don't like when I have those kind of feelings either and that is why I analyze them here. That is why I have to write them. Once they are out of my head I can look at things more clearly and then move on. And once people click the red X for that post they should move on to.

But sadly they don't. So I am taking a step back from everything and letting people think what they will. That means let my mother deal with her delusions that my grand mother will change, let D.E think what she wants about Master and I. And everyone else out there that thinks either me or Master are something we arn't. I can't change their minds with simple words. So why bother? Why should I let them ruin a perfectly good day and a great mood because they read to much or to little into something? I don't think I should, so I'm not. Or at least I'm going to work on not doing that.

Yesterday We stopped kind of early because we couldn't pick the load up by the time they got done loading trucks. I always enjoy when things like that happen because it gives Master and I more time to hang out, talk and play around with out the steering wheel in his hands. Plus once it is dark we get to participate in this lifestyle aka scenes. Well we went into the Pilot to take a shower and there was something iffy about the whole thing. Master went to have a smoke while we were waiting for our number to be called. And apparently Master took 10 minutes to smoke one cigarette which never happens. So the Pilot people took my shower off the board and made it so we were last in line. I ended up taking a shower with Master instead. It was ok, the shower was rather large so no complaints about that.

When we got back to the truck Master played chess for a while and I sat next to him and just watched. It was very relaxing to sit there and not have to worry about anything or anyone. All the drama with my family was so far from on my mind it was great. There were other things, but they arn't worth mentioning that's how little of a problem it is. When it was finally dark Master let me play for a while with the toy. It had been a little over a week sense the last time I was allowed to cum and quite frankly it was fantastic! The first orgasm was extremely powerful. But something was kind of missing, I was still really horny. So Master let me play again. :) And orgasm again. I was sated to the max. I am still horny today but that is what happens when Master plays with my boobs while he drives. I really really like when he does that.

There isn't much going on right now except drama that I am choosing to ignore. Master is listening to some talk show on the radio. I think I will go read a couple of blogs and maybe work on my chess skills so Master wont beat me.

We are very competitive... Cant you tell?

So much for no Drama

For the last... Month or so I have been dealing with one kind of drama or the other. My mom sent me a really long email talking about her and my grandmother fighting again. They go through spurts where everything is ok. Then my grandmother get's a wild hair up her butt and goes nuts again. She has a tendancy to belittle my mother for things that happened 20+ years ago. That stuff was even before I was born, but here I am not even in the house and I am still forced into the middle.

When I moved in with Master my grandmother through a bitch fit. To the point where she no longer recognises me as her grand daughter, or that I am even in the family. Shows just how understanding they are. She is a major drunk and when her and Master first talked she was blitzed. And He turned livid rather quickly. I moved out and she threatened to call the cops with a kidnapping report. She would have gone to jail as soon as I showed my birth certificat and explained that I moved out. She would of falsified a police report. Well, as soon as that was said to her she backed down and excomunicated me from the family so to speak.

Because of this little issue my Mother and I don't really talk because she is afriad of HER mother. My mother is almost 40 years old and she is still treated like a whiney teenager. So in this email she was complaining about that and how my aunt Mel's divorce is finalized finally. And that she has custody of the kids thank god. But I don't honestly care for that side of the family due to my personal issues in the past. But for some reason she just HAD to inform me of all of this.

Only thing I cared about what my uncle Bobby, (my mother's brother who is AWSOME) has resurfaced from his leaving the family period again. He seems to be doing well and still is in the logging business in South Texas somewhere. He didn't say where exactly because that is to much info for my grandmother to have and I understand that sentiment. Uncle Bobby and I have always gotten along. Probably because we are the "Black sheep" of the family. He never took any of my grandmother's shit. And when she started berating or belittling Him, he would just leave and stop talking to her for a few years. I am starting to think he has the right idea.

Now on top of all of this, D.E is doing her shit again like I said in a previous post. And hopefully she has stopped after our conversation sunday night. But if she pops back up I am just going to let Master handle her. I am sick of being called an inexperienced little girl, a truck stop whore and an immature little bitch when I have done nothing to her. I haven't called her any kind of name in response, I have only asked her to stop. Now what Master does is His business. I am not going to tell Him to do something or not do something where this kind of thing is concerned.

If that was the last of the drama it would be tollerable. But noooo. B has decided to go nutso. She complained about a blog hurting her feelings rather harshly the other day so I said I wouldn't write about her anymore and she still complained. What the H.E.L.L am I suppose to do with that? I stated that unless it has her name on it, it wasn't about her so it was non of her business. But apparently my yahoo tagline is now the problem which states "sick of the drama... Do with what you want and leave me be..." Which had/has to deal with all of this that I'm writing about not just her. I don't like drama and after the Surrender post I figured this issue would have been fixed. But as soon as I got on yahoo she started up again. All I wanted to do was check my email and she attackes. WTF??

So here I am trying to calm down Master who is getting more and more crap from my family, D.E and now B. It is now apon me to make sure that He stays calm and in a relatively good mood. This is one of those times that I have to mirror His moods and not take anything He says to personal. When He is Mad I get quiet and docile, When He gets Happy and in a joking attitude I get all goofy and playful. When He is sad I get attentave and caring. This is one of the unspoken agreements between Master and slave. If He is having a hard time I stop what I'm doing and help Him. My whole job (only word I have right now) is to take care of His needs, wants and desires. All of my issues, concerns, agrivations and desires come second to His. That is the way it will always be unless He is in a good mood and my concerns or agrivations are affecting Him. Then He will deal with the cause of the situation, try and fix it or remove it all together. Then we get on with our day. Unless it REALLY affects me then I have to process it so I can move on. Which all of this is doing exactly that. I had to sit on the floor last night after reading her messages, my moms messages, and everything else that causes stress and drama.

I am going to have to take this one day at a time. And ignore everything that would possibly ruin a good day and let Master deal with all of that. When things bother me to a certian extent Master tries to take control of the situation but lately I haven't been letting Him. From now on though, I think that would be the best thing right now... 

It's not that I don't like B because I do. I have a lot of respect for her. We talk, goof and play, we even talk about Master, but don't tell Him. And once everything is sorted out, her and I will become even better friends in the future.. I hope.

I have to help Master find a trailer so we can get our next load.

*His lil'one and slave

Surrender

For the past couple of weeks I have been writing about the developing situation with Master and B. Not all of the posts as you know (if you've read them that is) were about that subject. But when/if I ever had feelings that I needed to express with, what I thought was, no fear of consequences. But I was dead wrong. Apparently B has had a personal problem with my posts about her. She has said quite harshly several times that she doesn't appreciate what she thought I wrote...

At first when I read her messages and was told by Master the messages addressed to Him about it I was of the position that I wouldn't be censoring my writings/posts just because of her hurt sensibilities. That this was suppose to be like an online journal. One that I can ask others of the lifestyle questions or get comments from them. Where I would be able to fully express myself with no reservations, no holding back. But we were dead wrong.

I realize now that some people are going to read what they want to see instead of what is written and how it is written. It has probably happened to every blog writer out there. Why I thought mine would be any different, I don't know. I didn't expect it to happen so soon though. I am usually the type of person that stands up for what she believes in. But while under Master I have learned that sometimes my beliefs are faulty and that it is, under the right circumstance, better to surrender and live to see another day.

I know I'm not the perfect slave, that I loose sight of my Master being the Dominate. That I fail just as much as He does. But I don't need to be told that by anyone but my Master. Because at the end of the day it's His opinion that truly matters. No one else. If my Master is pleased of my progress and behavior and learning curve then I must be doing something right. I don't need my tender spot poked at by having someone who hasn't really been in the lifestyle either tell me. Especially when the person knows that that is a weak spot. Just because one person submits on a different level then I do doesn't mean I am a bad slave or that they are the bad slave. It just means that we are on two different levels. There should be no comparison. I am guilty of that myself with the blogs I read. But when they have a little rant on their blog I don't automatically assume it to be about me and take offense to it. I take it at face value. That another slave is having problems, sometimes the same ones I have and possibly learn from it. Or comment and gain a connection.

But all of that is irrelevant at this point. This is one of those times that it's best to surrender. I never thought this would be something I would have to sensor. But now that it is, any thoughts, feelings or concerns I have about B and Master's relationship I will write privately in my paper slave journal. If Master reads it and then tells me to post it here... Well then she will have to take her issues to Master. That is out of my hands. I will just be obeying my Master like a good little slave girl.

The curse of Drama

I should start off by saying that I absolutely HATE drama and all the silly little games that comes with it. If you have a problem with me then come to me like a grown up and tell me so either I can help fix the situation or tell you to stop. Lately that's all I have been dealing with.

This chick online, for privacy sake she is called D.E, and she thinks she knows how Master and I feel for one another by the blogs she has read. She quoted a few things that were way out of context. Why people do that is beyond me. How about read what is there and leave it at that. Preferably how that is written. Don't you dare tell me that my Master is a fake and just using me when you know nothing about it. It's not just some computer game where you can click the little red X when things get to hard. So we go through bumps in the road that get smoothed out if not same day, the next day. Which is also none of your business. Don't tell me what you think my Master has done in his past, because if you are either his best friend in the world or him you know jack shit! I don't even know the whole thing and quite frankly I don't want to know. What I do know isn't at all pretty. But that is between him and his god not anyone who thinks he's done them wrong... Just stop with the drama and the stalking already. I mean every time her picture goes away from my page it pops right back up. We have never talked so she doesn't need to be there.

Which brings me to my next point. If you read my blog and take it personal and it ends up hurting you feelings, sorry. But when I write I'm not thinking about you, my Master or any of the other readers out there. I write when things bother me. Half the time I have to re-read what I have written to make sure it all makes sense. Because once I start, I don't stop until I feel better about the situation and my feelings. And if my words end up hurting you again sorry but maybe your taking things way to personal. Like Master always says, "I might not like what you write, but it's the truth. How can I get upset with you about that?" Which is my point. If these writings upset you then maybe you are looking at them wrong or on a warped view of things. I'm not trying to make it out that your feelings are wrong. But if my words make you mad or hurt your sensibilities or even offend you. Well, then maybe you needed to be offended. I am not going to sensor my writings just because your sensibilities are wounded. Like I said in the very beginning of my blog, If you are weak of stomach, or offend easily X out now. I am not going to change my feelings because someone takes things to personal. Someone is always going to do that. If you don't accept my words for exactly what they are that is your problem that you need to work on. So stop whining or complaining about not being wanted around or that you were hurt by my writings. If they hurt you you should probably stop reading them... Very simple.

On a better note. Master and I are doing so much better yesterday and today. There has been an influx of control and ownership I am in high heaven. He has finally opened up His eyes and realized that he was focusing more on work then the life that we should be living together. Which is wrong of him to do. And it was wrong of me the way that I pointed it out to him and brought it up. I should never of yelled at him or snatched the money out of his hand. I should of calmed down and brought it up to Him the right way. The submissive way. But my feelings were over riding my thought process which is entirely my fault. I know that just because I am having a bad day or off week doesn't mean I should disrespect him the way I did. I am going to work very hard on not letting my emotions take control of me anymore. I know it will be hard and one hurdle that I will have to continually work on, because some things just rub me the wrong way like every other human being. And just because I am a slave and Master is a Dominate that doesn't erase the simple fact that we are in fact human. We are learning to live with one another in the real world with the stress of bills, work, drama and money. All of that is nonexistent on imvu. We are figuring out our quirks and habits along with everything else. We will make mistakes. It's what we do with those mistakes that counts. And if you happen to be involved with us and our certain issue don't hold it against us for a week. Get over it just like we have to. You might take longer and we get that. But don't throw it in my face after a week and certainly not His. That is in no way going to earn you favor points with us. Quite the opposite.

A new day on Sunday Part: 2

We are still in the truck stop and I am loving being out of the truck. Master and that Man are still hanging out watching Nascar. I myself have been removed from the whole thing except when I am needed. (right now B and Master are texting...hmm) Today has been pretty laid back so far. I've been sitting here playing around on the computer and He has been relaxing enjoying not doing anything. There has been no stress of controlling anyone or being controlled. No worries about B and what she wants, what her limits are and why she is pushing away. It's been good not having to worry about anything for a change.

Last night Master said that worrying about things never change them. It just gives you a massive headache. So today I have been working on not worrying. Sometimes a few stray strands of worry pop into my head but I'm pushing them out of my mind as soon as they pop up. But there are a few that wont go away no matter how hard I try to keep them away. I'm not worrying about sitting this weekend because we really needed it. Although it puts stress on the paycheck or lack there of. But maybe something good will happen next week.

I am kind of hoping that Master will want to have a scene today now that we have the time. I don't want to say anything because I am really trying not to push... But sometimes I just can not help myself. I just really enjoy the things that we do. So I find myself wanting to do more and more of it. 

Master and Sir C (the Dominate we met at a truck stop) have talked for a long time. They seem to of really hit it off. It was really fun talking to someone else of this lifestyle while Master was there with me. When he left me alone with Sir C I felt odd. I didn't know what to do and I floundered. Even though he was in the same room, Master wasn't next to me. I didn't feel His support or nearness like I usually do. I have come to depend on my Master's presence in order to feel pleased with myself and my performance. I can't explain it other then how I just did. At first I was a little uncomfortable with how personal Sir was getting with the questions. But Master and I came to the truck for a short while to check on the batteries and get quarters, I talked with Him about it. He told me that although it is rather normal for another Master to ask Him questions about our sexual preferences it isn't ok to Him that Sir C did it with me. And it is also acceptable for other slaves to talk with me about it. But with Sir it was a little to personal at that point. Master said He would talk to Sir. And they did. Once Master was more involved I didn't mind answering Sir's questions because I could and did look up at Master to make sure it was ok for me to answer. 


While we were outside talking with Sir while they smoked after dinner, B sent us a text asking what our plans were. So I told her. That Master and Sir were going to talk maybe watch more T.V and that I was going to have the computer for tonight. Well, I guess that wasn't good enough for her. So I sent her one back asking why my company wasn't good enough when she knows Master is busy. I never got a straight answer. So I told her that we would be talking and she came back with, No I'm good Anna. Well as you can imagine I was mad at that point. I was in no way shape or form good with the situation. She still has not figured out that this isn't just about her and Master. Never will be. So I called her. You know the first thing she tried to do? Get all alpha with me. Uh, sorry not going to happen. She isn't going to tell me how anything is going to work.  This is something her and I are going to have to work out. Slave hierarchy is between the slaves. Has nothing to do with Master until it affects our performance. Which I am bound and determined not to let happen! (And yes B, Alpha is in the B.D.S.M dictionary. It is in fact a real thing and position. Not just an onlinism.) But I refuse to let that ruin the good day. 


Sir C gave Master His phone number and visa versa so T and I (Sirs girl) can talk. Master mentioned how I have been looking for someone to talk to that has irl experience in this lifestyle. And she has had both. I got to talk to her a little bit on the phone. They have decided to join IMVU.com. It is kinda cool finding and getting to know another D/s couple. I look forward to getting to know the both of them.