The plague of unanswered questions!

Master and i are still in Atlanta. We had a load this morning that was suppose to pick up today and deliver tomorrow. But when we got here, (The shippers) they told Master that it wouldn't be ready until tomorrow at 5:30PM eastern time. He has been trying to figure all of this out sense we got here. Sadly, there has been no progress. Add onto that the two facts that i am in dire need of a restroom (which they don't have for us lowly drivers) and that i haven't had anything to eat all morning, this becomes quite unbearable. Situations like this make me very edgy and cranky. Master is about to go drive back to the Atlanta yard to wait. At least there they have bathrooms... and vending machines. Master won't dare drop His trailer though. The other drivers are like sharks when it comes to empty trailers. If you drop one there is a 99.99% chance that you won't be getting it back with this company..

Yesterday morning when i woke up, i had to go into the building and i found Master in front of the T.V. Which is perfectly fine. When i sat down the first thing He asked me was, "What kind of mood are you in?". Usually when He asks me that it is only to see where my head is at because His is in the gutter... The deliciously deviant gutter! After i had woken up a bit Master and i went back to the truck. He decided to play Age of Empires: The trial addition for a while. 

i had a bunch of images in my head of being tied up and smacked, flogged and fucked so naturally i was drenched. i asked Master if i would be allowed to play and He said yes and handed over my toy! While i was doing that He came back to the bed and stood there... Then to my surprise unzipped His pants. i don't know about Y/your house hold but when my Master does that it only means one thing. i took my toy out and got on all fours and proceeded to suck His cock. It was very yummy! He wouldn't let me suck Him to completion because as He put it, "That's for later..." and went back to His game and let me finish playing. :)

Later that night Master gave me exactly what i have been needing for weeks! A very yummy, intense scene. It started with me just sitting on the bed to being stripped, blindfolded and having clothes pins placed on my nipples. Those things hurt like CRAP! i can never stand to have them on for to long their to painful. After that Master tied me to a handle in the wall, with me laying on my back arms over my head while He used His belt on me... Every where on my body was being kissed with the leather. About a third of the way in i was already on the verge of tears but i was also drenched so Master didn't stop. i also didn't ask/tell Him to stop either. i wanted to go as far as i could that night. i didn't want to hold anything back and i wanted to be at the place where i didn't have to think after wards. It was just intense feelings over-riding my brain. It was wonderful! 

Unfortunately before Master could finish and cum some guy knocked on the door. Master had to get dressed and see what the hell. Apparently some guy said that the empty we were on was His trailer and it was loaded which is a bunch of horse shit and by the end of the conversation with the guy Master busted Him in the pricks lies. Although Master was mad He was in to good a mood to argue with yet another old, bald black man that day.

When Master and i have such intense scenes like that, it makes me feel completely owned. i'm not talking about the mushy i'm going to be His for all eternity. No. What i'm talking about is the flood of emotions that course through my body after an experience like that. When you are thoroughly used, marked, mind-fucked and well, fucked there is no escaping your position in the relationship. It's like the man sears it onto my brain with a red hot poker. Along with the good emotions come some not-so-good questions. i have only had to ask and answer them once. 

The questions like: "Why am i putting myself through this much pain?" or "If He truly loves me, then why is He hurting me and making me cry?" or the hardest one for me yet, "Aren't i suppose to be more then a fuck-toy or punching bag?"...

 The last question is still very new in my mind. i haven't been able to answer it yet. i know i'm not just His punching bag or fuck-toy, but in moments like that the mind wonders... Now, lets analyze a moment shall we? (See what it's like in my head 24/7.. pour souls you.) If i was 100% submissive in my ways and thinking wouldn't i be exactly that? i mean at times i am in fact His fuck-toy. i get used for His pleasure then put back on the shelf until next time with out pleasure of my own. Also being His fuck-toy or punching bag gives Him pleasure so therefor it should give me pleasure, right? So because half the time it doesn't give me pleasure does that mean i'm not submissive enough? Or does that mean i'm a "bad" slave, because i have needs that are somewhat selfish? i would like to say no. That i am not a "bad" slave but instead i'm just being human. If you look at the human animal... We are selfish creatures as a whole. Some of us are worse then others. We like to have our needs met before we go around and helping other people with theirs. It's the "You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" mentality. Some times that isn't very condusive to being in the "submissive/slave" mindset. So many things in todays culture/world are conspiring against the mentality of submission. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there. Where women are trying to be men, and men are trying to be women. There is no true "Boss" in any dimanic. If you were to tell anyone that you were in this lifestyle you would be shunned. Our community is very small in numbers. Hell, even within that community you might be judged because of what you like or don't like. 

i just think there is no accurate way to decide what is acceptable as a slave and what isn't. The only one that should really have that kind of power over you and your actions should be your owner. Although on the flip side of that coin. The best person to make sure you keep up with the rules or guidlines is yourself. You are either your best friend or worst enemy. i am the same way. Hense the struggle i have been having recently. 

i have a lot to think about as you can quess..