Beaten, bloodied and left for dead

Master is throwing everything in this truck every which way. Talk about temper tantrums. He threw away a little toy that his grandson gave to him, it might not be much but that little boy gave it to him so Master can remember him when he is away. And he just throws it out the window?? Shows just how much he doesn't care about little J doesn't it... (I wont use real names so initials will have to do.)

Right now I want nothing to do with that man. I have been broken by him way to many times. And for what? So he can say he has changed and do this? I'm done. I am tired of being the only one trying in this relationship. He crossed a line today on top of the one last night. The truck is in total disarray all because Master threw things. He could have broke the computer with the Qualcom. But who am I to tell him to calm down? I'm just the stupid slave/passenger that doesn't know anything about this business or life. I'm at the point I want off this truck. I cant be around his rage anymore.
Constantly afraid of him. Of whether I will be the victim or his anger. Will it be tomorrow that I get the shit kicked out of me, or the next day? Will people be able to see the marks that I will get or will I have to pretend that nothing ever happened again? This is how it started my last abusive relationship, too. He started out being extremely caring and fixing the damage that was done to me, then within a few months I was hit. After a swelling rage came on him to the point that throwing things was not enough anymore. This time it's taking longer, but I can feel it happening.
That is what hurts the most out of all of this. My Master has promised me a lot of things and he ends up breaking every single one of them the instant things don't go according to plan. I have to keep record of our spending and finances for this truck. So I look at the numbers every day at least twice. And when I tell him we won't make a lot of money on a certain run, this is what happens every single time. This time worse then others. I use to want to be apart of this business, help him create something to be proud of. But now... I want nothing to do with it. I don't want to do the numbers, I don't want to be the one that get's yelled at when something goes wrong.
I just wanted someone to love me for me. Everyone that I have cared about claimed they loved me but ended up breaking me apart. I thought Master was going to be different... That he actually loved me for me. All my quirks that most cant tolerate and hate at first he loved. Now he hates them like everyone else. Why am I not good enough for anyone, especially him, as I am? Nothing more or less then the person I am suppose to be. Is that to much to ask for? To finally have someone tell me that I am perfect the way I am without them taking it back the first time they say "change your attitude.." or "Stop being so (insert any thing they hate about me here)..."? Why am I never enough? Is there something that horrid about my personality that makes people want to beat it out of me? I don't mean beatings in a good way either. I've had broken bones, ribs shattered, cuts and lacerations to my midsection and everywhere else all because of who I am. I've been abused, almost raped and abandoned more then once. The things done to me would make all of you cringe if you haven't already. My own mother has abandoned me. And people say a mother's love is the strongest. Then why is it that mine couldn't stand the sight of me when I was 9 years old and shipped me off to live with my aunt and uncle? Then why did my aunt and uncle not keep their word and adopt me instead of buying new cars, tvs, motorcycles, remodels of houses while saying they don't have enough money for the adoption? Then have my uncle do the unthinkable and no one believe me so I had to lie and tell everyone that it didn't happen so I would not be sent away yet again?

It doesn't matter... I am who I am so things like this will just keep happening. I guess I have to just learn to live my life in tatters.

*His unworthy beast

Confessions and Revelations

Today, Master and I are in Montgomery Alabama at the TA. Master woke me up at 7am this morning to go take a shower. I woke up very cranky and did not try to hide it. The day before we had to wake up extremely early, like 2:43AM early, so he could pick up the load we just delivered on time. So, needless to say today has thoroughly Sucked!! I got cranky so Master got cranky which in turn made me very quiet the rest of the day, including now. I know I should control my tone, mannerisms and all together attitude where Master is concerned better, but I just seem to either not want to at the time or I flat out cant at that moment. And it doesn't help when you have a Master that wont correct wrong behaviors. I'm in no way saying it's his fault, but he isn't helping with the solution either. Master hasn't really "trained" me in any way. He has pretty much just told me what to do and let me either sink... or swim. And I have been plummeting like a 200 lb brick thrown into the Nile river. (I've got Egypt on the brain for some reason) I have asked him not to loads of times before. And for a few days, hell even one time was a week, things change; But then go back to normal. And normal for us is vanilla normal sometimes.
On a side note real quick, I hate the word Normal. I mean whats normal? And who deemed that One thing to be normal. For instance what is normal for us may not be normal for you, and whats normal for you might just be plain freaky to us. (no offense)
Anyway, as I was saying. When Master was in this lifestyle before he "retired", he was not a nice guy. At all and he will be the first person to admit that to you. He does not hide what he did or who he was from anyone... He just is afraid to turn back into that guy and that guy is the only way he knows how to be a Master. Believe me, I don't want that guy. But sometimes he does not do what is needed because of that fear. He knows that that part of his past, that guy, will scare the living daylights out of me. And he does not want to see fear in my eyes. Especially fear of him. And I admire, respect and am soooooooo grateful for that. But sometimes tough love is needed. He hasn't found the middle ground for that yet. I wish he would and soon, but that isn't my call. I will wait as long as it takes, but at some point isn't it a bit unfair to me? Having to wait for something that may never happen?
I had my first punishment the other day. I didn't think it was going to happen, but it did. I was surprised and a little proud of Master for finally putting his foot down. I of course felt bad for letting him down and being a bad girl, but at the same time I felt rather pleased. I had this good feeling that things had finally changed. And for the better. Maybe even this time for good. But today is a prime example that things haven't really changed. My behavior was not punished, rectified or changed. I want with every fiber of my being to be corrected if I am not pleasing. If I'm not, how am I to ever learn what pleases him? What attitudes are acceptable or what ones are not? Or even how to do something properly instead of messing up all the time?? *shrugs*

I think I have made up my mind on my course of action in order to maybe help Master along. From now on, or until everyone is happy, I am going to be 100% submissive to my Master. No more playing it safe. We were doing laundry and watching a movie and there was a line in it that really hit home.

"Stop playing it safe, it doesn't stop bad things from happening. It just hinders your success..."

I have been playing it safe because most my life I have been hurt from one bad thing to the next. Not a lot of good has happened to me. Well, that isn't exactly true. I find a good sunrise on a crisp morning with a cup of hot coffee a good thing. But most of the people around me have hurt me to one degree or the other. Heck, a lot of my scars are from four individuals that hurt me severely. So my philosophy is/was to play it safe or close to the heart so others would not be able to break me. But they can still do that. And most importantly I am doing that to myself. So, I will work on not doing that by allowing Master to control me. I will do to the best of my ability what he tells me to do, when he tells me to do it. No more procrastinating or just flat out not doing it. Maybe my willingness to do the 5 steps in the morning, the cleaning and fixing my behavior will help Master come out of his own shell. Or this will crash and burn. Either way, what I am doing now isn't working at all, so lets try something new.

Time for me to end this post to go eat. Master's waiting for me to get done.
*Masters girl

UGH!!!

Master and I are here in Peshtiog Wisconsin. At some small truck stop. It's not a pilot or anything. But it has free wifi and a T.V with cable so Master and I are both entertained. He's watching some outrageous sports show. There were Japanese people hitting themselves with bricks on their heads. He said it was some kind of zen thing. Well, if thats what it takes to be zen then I will be zen free thank you very much!

A little while ago, I had a break down of massive proportions. Well for me anyway. Master and I have been having snippets of fights that are about nothing. Why is it that those hurt the relationship worse then the HUGE ones do? I honestly have never gotten that. It's just that sometimes He makes me feel sooo small. It's like no matter what I do, it is never really good enough. My whole chest feels like it caves in and my heart squeezes so tight when He does that. When I told Him about it He said that He didn't even know He was doing it. So He requested that I tell Him when he does this. I know He loves me and really does want to spend time with me, and that no matter what I do, I will always be His. (excluding cheating of course. But He knows I will NEVER do that to Him. I've had it done to me and it is not pretty) He just has a tendency to point out my short comings rather then my good attributes. I have tried to get Him to be more... sympathetic and praise me a bit more often. But there is like a mental block that is not allowing Him to do it, and I don't want to force it on Him because then it will be worthless.

I don't know things have just been on and off for me all week. Plus it doesn't help that my emotions are being thrown for a loop by my little red visitor. I always get crabby and extremely emotional during this time of the month. So for these issues to come up now, is super inconvenient and just plain rude! But today should be my last day. Either today or tomorrow, I can never figure this thing out. You'd think after 10 years of this crud that I would have it pegged. And I would... If it didn't change it's schedule every three months or so. so BLAH!!!!

I think I might get Master to play a game of cards with me while we are here. They have a deck on a lil playing table. It's talking to me... Saying, "Play with me.... PLAY with me!!" I think I will listen. That is if Master is in an indulging mood. He's still watching that weird T.V show so I might get a bit unlucky on the cards deal today. But it's worth the try, right?

On a more "Normal"ish note... The Obama Health care plan might actually pass. The senate passed one out of three rules that have to be passed before the actual bill can be passed last night. If this thing goes through we will be in a world of hurt for Centuries to come. Did you know that if this Heath care bill passes we will have to pay into it for 4 years before we see any return on our investment? It's like paying for a house for four years... But hey! You cant live there yet. Honestly, how ridiculous is that crud?? Plus the President has not only made the unemployment rate rise, but he has spent a shit load of money doing it. He passed a bill that was "supposidly" to help any state with a natural disaster. But it was specifically stated for Louisiana only with the Catrina hurricane. Now, don't get me wrong. That was a huge problem that should of been fixed a long time ago. But it wasn't the Hurricanes fault that the ENTIRE city flooded. The levee's broke. They couldn't withstand the pressure that the waves placed onto them. But that shouldn't cost 1.8 Billion dollars. He has raised the national defficit by 2 Trillion dollars in a little over a year that he has been in office. If something isn't done with this guy, we the American people, will be the ones paying for it. Maybe not me or you. But what about your children? Or your children's children? This country will be paying for this new Health Care Bill for a really long time. Because it HAS to get paid. And we will have to pay for it. If someone isn't working, why should I have to pay for their insurance and mine? Maybe that person should get a job... instead of loafing on the people who do work. One third of the Doctor's and nurses have already said that if this thing passes they will quit their jobs, because they won't be able to afford to work in that profession. Not only does the cost of insurance go up, but their salary goes down! Which means Less doctors and more time in the waiting room. This bill has been poled time after time. And all the results are the same. The American people do not want this Health care reform! Yet Obama is not listening. He is not for the people. He is against them. Him and Nancy Polosi need to be fired from their jobs. They are ruining their chances of being re-elected. It's political suicide to go against the masses of American people that do not want this. I for one am scared for this country. You should look up what he is "supposedly" doing for this country. Then go to your senator or congressman and ask them how they will vote on all of this nonsense. All they really want is to be re-elected. Which means they have to have your vote. If they don't have your vote or the thousands that don't agree with their standpoint they will magically change their views to get them. YOU can make all the difference in the world with one email or phone call. Or if you have your own blog... State your views, rally your peers. Make the difference between America staying healthy and vibrant or it becoming a third world country.

Pot holes, Seat belts and Cartoon Porn

Master said something today that made me wonder. He said, "When we are good and not fighting the money situation is non-existent. But when our relationship is off, there's money coming out of our asses...". And he's right. It's like when we concentrate on fixing the dynamics in the relationship or mend the holes, we cant concentrate on the business long enough to make any money. Perhaps our minds are too focused on fixing one problem at a time that when one problem is fixed another springs to life. So now that we are good the business suffers. And when the business is good our relationship suffers....

So here is my question of the day... How do Master and I keep both the business and our relationship afloat the invisible raft that is flying down the Colorado river?? It seems ever bend in the river reveals a new set of issues. Like the B-Service we had a couple of days/weeks ago. The guy at the shop fixed a few things that were not on Masters list that the company was questioning. The dashboard was one. it wouldn't of been written down except for the fact that the Concord yard mechanic did that at the previous B-Service so no way were we going to pay for it. And that day was not pretty. Imagine Master coming back to the truck after a B-Service and seeing the Dashboard all banged up and falling off? *shudders* Once Master explained that to the guy on the phone it was of the "Questionable list". Then there's the running board that was bent/dented. The guy wanted Master to pay 1000 bucks for the stupid thing!! Until Master talked the guy down on that one to. But if we don't get to the terminal in Louisville and fax of a piece of paper then well... We will have to pay for it anyway. That's just a hinting of the hits that keep on coming our way.

This morning another one happened. We were driving along and hit a HUGE ass pot hole in the middle of the road. We were going 65 mph which to some speedy people that doesn't seem a lot. But with 37 thousand pounds pushing it along... We hit Hard. My poor butt is still sore. And not to mention my seat belt is caught. It grabbed a hold like it is suppose to do, but wont let go. That was earlier this morning and it STILL wont let go. That's just a ticket waiting to happen. So now I have to hide out in the back every time we see a cop or cross a scale like some escaped convict. *Grumbles* Do you know what it's like to have to hide in your own home??? It aint pretty! And makes my mood plummet down into the abyss of cranky.

All I want is one day where we don't have to worry about money or work or things wrong with the truck. A day where Master and I are perfect. (As perfect as can be with us *smiles*) Just relaxing and maybe go for a walk or hang out. No worries or cares. Just us. Is that to much to ask?? Or am I being selfish? Well, if I am, then so be it. After almost a year of this nonsense we deserve a day of relaxation. Especially Master. He has a hard time relaxing, he has to always be doing something. It can be very irritating for me sometimes.

Yesterday Master found a new obsession. He likes the Simpson's so I told him about Simpson porn. If I had to stumble on it and become blinded then so shall he. Now he looks at it a lot. He doesn't want to look but he has to. I don't get that mentality of his. Even though he doesn't want to know or see it, he has to because he needs to know what the attraction or ickyness of it is. But now that I told him about it he's drawn to it. It's like every time he is online he cant resist it. He didn't even know cartoon porn existed. Which I happen to like when the occasion calls for it. Mostly Anime or Hentia. I like it a whole lot better then normal porn. I don't really get horny watching two people go at it on my T.V. I actually find it a bit gross. I mean, how much dick can you watch cum?? Or fake orgasms from the girls for that matter?? So for some reason Cartoon porn works wonders for me. Who knows why. But Simpson porn is stretching it even for me. Especially sense it's a family going at it. Incest in any kind of way just isn't right!

Anyway... I have lost my train of thought, so I will just end it here. See ya laters.

Auto-Pilot Mode

The last couple of days I have felt cruddy. I haven't had a whole lot of energy and haven't wanted to do anything. Especially the five steps I'm suppose to do in the morning. I know I should do them, and that when I don't it holds back Master and myself. We cant go forward until I get what we are doing right first... But I just haven't wanted to. I haven't wanted to do anything submissive. I mean I have just been going through the motions, acting like a robot. That's the best description. The person holding the control in my brain put me in auto-pilot. And that's where I have stayed. I wish I wasn't like that and I have no idea how to get out of it...

All I want to do is be all I can be for my Master. I want to please him in all that I do. But lately all that I seem to be doing is... nothing. I don't do the steps in the morning, I don't make the bed and my behavior has been severely lacking. I have been acting like some crazy bitch that isn't me. It's like some crazy person has taken over. So now am I not only on auto-pilot, but a schizophrenic psycho path has taken the controls and has run rampant in my life. I don't know how to get back in touch with myself. I use to be so willing to try new things in this lifestyle. To do anything Master wanted to do. But now I am very much afraid to try new things. I'm afraid to break down the walls around myself because I don't want to get hurt anymore then I have been.

In order to be completely submissive to Master I have to be open to any and all things he wants from me. I have to break down that wall and let him in. Which makes me So vulnerable to being hurt by him. He has to be my rock, my crutch when I need him and my protector and guider. But He has not been doing that... at all. So how am I suppose to trust him with my submissiveness or vulnerability when he has not proven himself to me yet. I mean he wont put my feelings aside and give me the "tough love" that I need. He needs to punish me when it is called for. But he wont do that for reasons known to only him. Things have just gotten so messed up.

All of my life I have been hurt from the people that were suppose to love me and in a way I still think that Master is going to turn into one of them. I am afraid he is going to hurt me the same way they did or worse. He is so much more important to me then all of them combined. If I lost him for any reason I would be devastated. He's my best friend, my teacher, my guide, my protector, my love, my soul mate and my Master. With out him I am nothing. I cant be myself with out him... Lately I don't really know who "myself" is.

This morning I did the steps I am to do before getting out of bed. It was still kind of automatic but at least I did them. Master said I was a good girl which made me feel really good about myself. I wish he would say those words more often. But my Master has a tendency to not reward a non-event. But to me it's not a non-event because it's not a habit yet. It's still a second thought, it's not natural yet. And part of me is blocking it because a certain step I don't like nor agree with. But that really isn't my call is it? It's not up to me what steps to do and what ones can be excluded. That is up to him and that is the whole point of this lifestyle. I am suppose to give over the control to him. For him to do with what he wants it as he sees fit. Even if I don't agree with it I should still do it. And I know this, with every fiber of my being. So why cant I wrap my head around it and do it??? Who knows. All I know is that I have a lot of work ahead of me.


On a brighter note (other then the slavery/lifestyle) Master and I are doing better. There hasn't been a lot of yelling or sarcasm. We have talked more about what we are thinking and what is bothering us, when it is bothering us instead of a week later. I am talking more about my feelings instead of writing them down. Which is very good for me and also very hard to stick to. When I get upset or angry or hurt it is so much easier to just write instead of talk. I don't know why, but I have been that way for a long time. And Master is making a conscious effort not to scream at everything that moves when he gets angry. I have a thing with conflict and yelling, it scares the hell out of me. To the point that I cower. I have also gotten a little better at that sense I have been with Master. I am more apt to stick up for myself now instead of letting everyone walk all over me all willy-nilly. So the domestic problems we have been having are getting better. Which is a fantastic thing. Now all we have to do is work on the submission and domination.

Master says because of the small space it's hard to do any more then what we are doing now. In a way I get it because he is use to doing it in a house, with LOTS of room. But sense we don't have all that space there are things that can be done here. He showed me that the couple of scenes we have had on the truck. And there are ALWAYS things to do when it comes to behavior modification. Or Public domination, so long as it isn't to much right away. I want to try it but lets not go head first into a pool of cement, shall we?? I think he is just frustrated at the lack of space and tools available. But why stop the activities all together because of those little inconveniences instead of altering them? I mean a hanger would work wonders for a good hard spanking. *Smiles sheepishly* Well it would....

I'm going to head out to go surfing the web...
Byes!!

(photo credit: http://blackandwhitephotographytips.com/)

A wonderful day in Arkansas

Master and I are here in Little Rock Arkansas, at the terminal. We had to deliver a load to Jacksonville yesterday and came back here once we were done. We were due for a B-Service (pretty much a tune up for the truck once ever 30,000 miles or so) with in a few weeks, and here is where Master wanted it done. So Yesterday he talked to his fleet manager and they decided that the truck would be put in the shop. Well, the mechanic didn't get everything done yesterday or last night, because there was SO much wrong with the truck on that list. Most just cosmetics, except for the bunk heater and the batteries. We have had a problem with the batteries dying on us when we run the bunk heater and a lil Colman cooler at the same time within 45 mins. We should be able to run the laptop, a dorm fridge AND the heater with out a hint of problem. Sense the mechanic didn't get it done, we had to wake up at 6:00 AM on our day off!! I had been looking forward to getting to the terminal to actually sleep in past 7:45 AM; Which is my usual wake up time, but the mechanic had other ideas. But it is a blessing in a horrid disguise. When it's blistering cold outside in the north east, we will be able to run the heater with out running the truck and our food wont spoil!! Yippee.

Sense the truck is in the shop we can't get to our food supply so Master is going to Burger king for breakfast. I get morning coffee! *Is all happy* I am like the mother bear after hibernation before my cup of coffee. And believe me, I have gotten way better. That's saying something! I hope he gets one for himself because he looks dog tired this morning.
I always complain about getting up early but Master has been getting up at 5-6 AM every morning. Sometimes I wish he would just take a day off to relax and not have to wake up early or do anything he does not want to do. But unfortunately this business he is starting isn't one of those we can just stop when ever we want. If the truck isn't moving, it isn't making money. That's the honest simple truth.

Out of the blue last night, Master apologized to me for his behavior or lack there of as the case was. I was completely startled and speechless. It is rare that Master apologizes right out of the blue with no prior conversations pointing out his... faults. I honestly believed him when he said that he would try his hardest to stop his yelling and be better. I honestly could not be happier this morning. (even if it is bloody early and I'm exhausted) I even got a little late night spanking. We were up until midnight talking. It was great. Master and I haven't just talked in a while; Lately it has been a lot of talking. Getting back in touch with ourselves and what has brought us together in the very beginning. It has been wonderful.

Master back with breakfast. So this post is done due to the bringing of coffee and food. *giggles*

Broken on a sunny day...

I have been neglecting this blog. I know it, Master know's it and I wouldn't be suprised if you know it, too. The reason for this is because I don't really have anything "Happy" to write or anything particularly "kinky/BDSMy" to write either. I have been waiting to write something exciting or worth your time instead of waisting it with the mundane or unhappy. But alas, it has not worked.

When I plan for things to happen they tend to go the opposite direction. Even small things such as Blog topics. Master has always told me not to plan, because when things don't go the way I wanted them to I get really bummed out. And I do. Especially when it has to do with "Play" time with Master. I always get really excited when Master mentions doing devious or perverted things to me. (well perverted on the normal scale, *giggles*) It does not happen as much as I would like it to, so when the possibility arises I get giddy and excited. So it's (to me) understandable when I get bummed out. But Master always finds a way to turn it around so he gets mad at my non-giddiness. BlA!

Plus, it's sunny and nice outside. And I am stuck inside this infernal truck! The first day of really nice weather we have seen and we can't stop for longer then five minutes because of this stupid load. This summer is going to stink. I can see it already. I wont be able to garden, play outside with Master or a pup. Nuffin. No park going, long walks or ice-cream while basking in the sun! *huffs* (Yes I huff when life is completely unfair. Ya-ya, life is unfair and all that crud.) When it is nice outside, even when it's chily, I get into a bummed and altogether bad mood. Why, you ask?? Because I am a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to sunny days. Your suppose to spend your time out side, having a b-b-q, playing in the dirt while planting your favorite flowers and chasing your beloved pup/dog around the yard with the hose... Not spending it in a semi-truck pulling 38 thousand pounds down I-40 at 58 mph! I know Master doesn't like it all that much either. But he has been a truck driver for 12 years. It's his job and he likes his job, so he is a bit use to it. And I don't think I will ever get use to this. Although I'm a lot better now then I was when I first got on the truck. And that's sayin' sumfin!!

Yesterday Master and I had an awful fight. As always it was about the lack of dicipline, bondage, and total lack of control. It was promised to me time after time but he does not produce it. I am sick of the "reasons" or "EXCUSES" because I honestly don't care for them. He just says them to make it a legitamite reason as to why he is neglecting my needs. To make him feel better about it. I don't want him to feel good about his neglect, lack of control, and broken promises! Especially when I feel like total shit because of it... Any way, this particular fight ended with Master storming off mad after I said, "Fine, I will just hide my tears like I have always done... And here I thought you were the one person I could be open with." Well needless to say that struck home. And the only reason I said it was because He told me the reason he doesn't dicipline me is because of my crying when he does... What an ass right? Of course I am going to cry. Well, after he stormed off I went in the back, curled up into a very small ball and wept. I didn't just cry. I wept. I was/am at my breaking point, it's no longer funny. I even took off my collar yesterday. I was done, sick of all the broken promises and feeling like a fraud. I would still be with him. But no longer his slave. One he doesn't even take care of. That made him even more mad. But it hopefully also struck home. I cherrish my collar and what it represents. With out it I felt like I was missing something. It was of course put back on, and I am still an unfulfilled slave.

I don't think it struck home at all. Because this morning I didn't do the steps for waking up or make the bed. And you'll never guess what he DIDN'T do... Yup, thats right. He didn't dicipline me. I honestly think he never will. Why do I bother trying to be submissive to someone when they won't even properly take that submission and use it? Because I love him and desperately want him to be my Master. The one I know he can be. But lately I'm starting to doubt whether or not he does have it in him... *shrugs*

After the argument Master got horney. I felt like complete crap with a capital C. And He was horney. Well Master made me suck his cock until he cam on my boobs. I felt and still feel cheap because of it. I didn't want anything sexual because I felt raw inside still. And he goes and cums on my boobs?? WTF is that?? My feelings or pains must not matter to him anymore... Or he wouldn't of done that. I wasn't sucking it as vigoriously as usual and I surely wasn't enjoying it. Anyone would have been able to tell by my lack of interest, facial expressions and body movements. He just didn't care.

The worst part was two days ago, Master had told me that yesterday was my day. It takes him a day to re-coup from.. things. And so yesterday was going to be my pleasure day. But then he went and did that. Which didn't help at all. So here I am... Cranky, raw, unfulfilled, cheap and unhappy... When he is perfectly fine listening to a stupid NASCAR race. I HATE nascar!! And I detest being used like that when I am still really raw about a fight or being a fake...

In january I asked Master to controll me 100% so I can fix myself. Fix what has been broken all these months of being unhappy and yelled at constantly. But He couldn't even do that for a week let alone long enough to allow me time to fix my broken peices. But I have finally figured it out. Why Master isn't giving me what I need..... Because it isn't about me or my needs. It's about him and what he wants or needs. My puney feelings mean nothing to him. The fact that I am unsatisfied, unhappy and unfulfilled does not matter to my... Master. My desire to grow, to learn does not matter. The fact that I am broken inside, does not matter....
He built me up when he first got me to tear me down himself. I feel like total shit so I am just going to go....