Auto-Pilot Mode

The last couple of days I have felt cruddy. I haven't had a whole lot of energy and haven't wanted to do anything. Especially the five steps I'm suppose to do in the morning. I know I should do them, and that when I don't it holds back Master and myself. We cant go forward until I get what we are doing right first... But I just haven't wanted to. I haven't wanted to do anything submissive. I mean I have just been going through the motions, acting like a robot. That's the best description. The person holding the control in my brain put me in auto-pilot. And that's where I have stayed. I wish I wasn't like that and I have no idea how to get out of it...

All I want to do is be all I can be for my Master. I want to please him in all that I do. But lately all that I seem to be doing is... nothing. I don't do the steps in the morning, I don't make the bed and my behavior has been severely lacking. I have been acting like some crazy bitch that isn't me. It's like some crazy person has taken over. So now am I not only on auto-pilot, but a schizophrenic psycho path has taken the controls and has run rampant in my life. I don't know how to get back in touch with myself. I use to be so willing to try new things in this lifestyle. To do anything Master wanted to do. But now I am very much afraid to try new things. I'm afraid to break down the walls around myself because I don't want to get hurt anymore then I have been.

In order to be completely submissive to Master I have to be open to any and all things he wants from me. I have to break down that wall and let him in. Which makes me So vulnerable to being hurt by him. He has to be my rock, my crutch when I need him and my protector and guider. But He has not been doing that... at all. So how am I suppose to trust him with my submissiveness or vulnerability when he has not proven himself to me yet. I mean he wont put my feelings aside and give me the "tough love" that I need. He needs to punish me when it is called for. But he wont do that for reasons known to only him. Things have just gotten so messed up.

All of my life I have been hurt from the people that were suppose to love me and in a way I still think that Master is going to turn into one of them. I am afraid he is going to hurt me the same way they did or worse. He is so much more important to me then all of them combined. If I lost him for any reason I would be devastated. He's my best friend, my teacher, my guide, my protector, my love, my soul mate and my Master. With out him I am nothing. I cant be myself with out him... Lately I don't really know who "myself" is.

This morning I did the steps I am to do before getting out of bed. It was still kind of automatic but at least I did them. Master said I was a good girl which made me feel really good about myself. I wish he would say those words more often. But my Master has a tendency to not reward a non-event. But to me it's not a non-event because it's not a habit yet. It's still a second thought, it's not natural yet. And part of me is blocking it because a certain step I don't like nor agree with. But that really isn't my call is it? It's not up to me what steps to do and what ones can be excluded. That is up to him and that is the whole point of this lifestyle. I am suppose to give over the control to him. For him to do with what he wants it as he sees fit. Even if I don't agree with it I should still do it. And I know this, with every fiber of my being. So why cant I wrap my head around it and do it??? Who knows. All I know is that I have a lot of work ahead of me.


On a brighter note (other then the slavery/lifestyle) Master and I are doing better. There hasn't been a lot of yelling or sarcasm. We have talked more about what we are thinking and what is bothering us, when it is bothering us instead of a week later. I am talking more about my feelings instead of writing them down. Which is very good for me and also very hard to stick to. When I get upset or angry or hurt it is so much easier to just write instead of talk. I don't know why, but I have been that way for a long time. And Master is making a conscious effort not to scream at everything that moves when he gets angry. I have a thing with conflict and yelling, it scares the hell out of me. To the point that I cower. I have also gotten a little better at that sense I have been with Master. I am more apt to stick up for myself now instead of letting everyone walk all over me all willy-nilly. So the domestic problems we have been having are getting better. Which is a fantastic thing. Now all we have to do is work on the submission and domination.

Master says because of the small space it's hard to do any more then what we are doing now. In a way I get it because he is use to doing it in a house, with LOTS of room. But sense we don't have all that space there are things that can be done here. He showed me that the couple of scenes we have had on the truck. And there are ALWAYS things to do when it comes to behavior modification. Or Public domination, so long as it isn't to much right away. I want to try it but lets not go head first into a pool of cement, shall we?? I think he is just frustrated at the lack of space and tools available. But why stop the activities all together because of those little inconveniences instead of altering them? I mean a hanger would work wonders for a good hard spanking. *Smiles sheepishly* Well it would....

I'm going to head out to go surfing the web...
Byes!!

(photo credit: http://blackandwhitephotographytips.com/)