Sorrow

Today was the wake for Master's ex-wife. Because His daughter was staying with A, we had to fork out cash for a hotel we can not afford right now. Plus food we can't afford right now. So we are sitting ducks so to speak. It's been challenging this last week sense He got the phone call from A. Today was the worst of it though.

Before we went over to the funeral home, Master and I stopped off at the hotel to check in and put our things in the room. Well, while He was in the restroom the phone rang... it was A. He hurried out of the bathroom and answered the phone. She called to tell Him that I was not welcome at the wake or funeral and that if He decided to bring me anyway, Master would be arrested. They decided to have the place guarded by the police of the local city. (Can't remember the cities name) He was livid. I have never seen Him pace that much in my entire life... until now. The sad part is that His daughter K was the one that told A I was coming. We were staying at her place until Friday. We spent $60 on food for her and her daughter that we don't have and that is how she repays us? Nice move. So Master is at the wake and I am here alone in the hotel. When I think I am finally over this, that I am done crying it sinks in further. How hated must I be to be not allowed to a funeral? They don't even know me and they treat Master and I like this. I use to think that K accepted me and that I wasn't leaving Master but I'm not so sure anymore. This just showed me that once again I should have listened to my head and gut instead of my heart. I have wanted to just belong sense I was a little girl. And I thought that this was a perfect opportunity to do just that. But I was wrong. I am never going to be accepted by His family. Our age difference is to much. And I don't think they really want Him to be happy. For some reason I think that they think because of His horrible past He doesn't deserve it... But He is the one that deserves it the most. He needs to be shown more now then ever that He is lovable. That He isn't a bad person... And that I will never leave Him. 


Being here alone a lot of things have crossed my mind, not all of them good. I've thought about how Him and I can be truly happy with no one accepting us and our relationship. Every where we go we get weird looks. It's like the world is trying to tell us that it is wrong. That we don't belong with one another... But if it was so wrong, then why does it feel so right? How is it that we can be in a crowded room and (to us) it is as if we were the only two people on the planet? Sometimes we are that couple you see flirting and kissing on each other in the McDonald's line. Yep, we have done that. When He is away I get nervous. I don't know why but it doesn't feel right not being by His side. It killed me when He had to walk out of the room...


I don't know why it hurts so much to find out that people I don't even know wont give me a chance. They would rather call me a bitch, little girl and whore then look at me. What did I ever do to them other then love my Master? Nothing! I have never met A or G. (G is the ex's mother) Yet I am ostracized like a leper and I can't figure out why! I'm a good person. I try not to swear, I pray all the time, I believe in god and second chances. So why wasn't I given a first chance? I just don't get it. I probably never will either.


I called my mother about this and she was livid too. She started cursing out people she didn't even know. All because I called her crying. She told me that they were lucky she didn't have any money or she would be on the first flight here.


He's back I gotta go.

Filler... Don't ya hate them?

We are here at Master's daughters house. Him and little j his grand daughter are playing around. They are just adorable. Playing the "tickle spider" but Master takes it a step over the normal tickle and get's himself stuck... with His own hand. Her giggle is the best medicine right now. Later on we are going to take her to Ihop for dinner. We are watching her while her mom is at work. Which in fact is the same place we are taking her. It's close by and Master likes Ihop.

I am still dreading tomorrow because His daughter's moms mom is going to give Him hell about M. She is going to file for emergency custody. And quite frankly my Master is going to be livid tomorrow. Things just arn't going to be at all tollerable tomorrow.

This is just a little pre-imptive strike post I guess. Anyway I have to go help Master deal with a roudy 5yr old that thinks everything is about her. Sounds just like someone else I know. Only this one is trainable.

Pics as promised

Here are the pictures that I said I would post. These are on the Mountain range between Tennessee's and North Carolina's Borders. If you have never traveled that way, I advise you do it either in the spring when it's all green or in the peak of Fall colors. But don't fly, drive. These were taken on I-40. Sorry about the bug guts. It comes with the job details lol.

 

Fun Filled Week Already

On Friday Master got a call from His step daughter A telling Him that His ex-wife died sometime the night before or that morning. He was in such shock that He was fumbling with the phone. She was taking care of His youngest daughter (well their daughter) and now that she passed away Master is the only living parent so the custody get's transferred to Him. Which is a good thing if you think about it. It's the silver lining in the thunderstorm of a mess that is holding us together. Master is frantic to get to Illinois so we can get things together.

We will be turning in the paperwork for an apartment that is extremely cheap. The complex is actually really nice. They are working on fixing it up as we speak. From what Master has told me it use to be the worst so the new management must know what she is doing, because everyone is now flocking to that place. Given our situation and our drastic need to have a place we are hoping that we will be bumped up on the waiting list. But if not we will just do what we are doing now and wait for the phone call telling us we get it. So His daughter M will be staying with His oldest daughter K until then. So Master is also going through the steps of stopping the child support that went to His ex and transferring it to His daughter K to offset the costs. Also we are hoping the building will allow me to stay at Her apartment which is in the same complex until a unit becomes available so I can start looking for work and help out with the money situation even more. Start saving money hear and there for furniture and all of that crud you need to have a comfortable living arrangement.

Plus the funeral is this week so the first time I will be meeting that side of the family will be then... Fun fun. I of course have to go because Master needs me to be there for moral/emotional support so He can be strong for His little girl and family. The only side affect of having a Master that had a previous family. Dealing with the ex-in-laws and so on. But for the last couple of months His ex, F, was actually making nice. They were getting along and we were actually talking a little bit. I think she finally realized that no matter what she thinks I'm not going any where and that I will become a perminate member of Master's family. So I will be involved in M's life. And a part of her understood that...

That is the part of this whole situation that is scaring the crap out of me. Because of Master's job He will be away a lot when we get a place. So I will be there with His daughter basically taking care of her. Don't get me wrong I love kids, but I never thought I would be in charge of any. I use to want a big family full of kids and a couple of animals but things changed that picture in my head to No kids and lots of animals. Well, now it is changed again. I knew this was a very big possibility, that M was at some point going to move in with us and live with her daddy, but I just wasn't prepared for it being so soon. It was very sudden. I felt the world crash around me and now I have to deal with some inner fears that I have. No one in my family is really a good parent or role model. I am just afraid that that is genetic and I will mess all of this up. I couldn't live with myself if I ruined her experiences like my mother/aunt did to me. I don't want her to feel what I felt growing up. I know it's silly but being in charge of another living person, one who isn't old enough to know who she is or where she is going yet. She is only 10 years old. She is starting to find her true being. So everyone she is in contact with at this crucial time will shape that person. They will either encourage her or tear her down. And I don't want to be one of the people that tears her down.

I know it is way to soon to think about this kind of thing but that is how my mind works. It worries about everything right away so that way when I am faced with the challenges that were already worked through in my head I am somewhat prepared for them. It doesn't always work like that, but I haven't found any other way that works for me. I have thought about eloping so I can make a decision concerning M if Master is out on the road all the way to what color dish towels I want for the kitchen and bathroom. Also heath care for M first then us second and getting my license finally so K won't have to cart us around. My mind is just one big cluster fuck right now. I am trying to unravel it as we speak but that is a process that will take time with this situation...

I took pictures of The Mountains along the Tennessee border and North Carolina. I will post all of them in a separate post.

Sexual puppet

Last night Master used me for His sexual gratification. I was blindfolded and had clothes pins on my nipples while I was directed to suck His cock. It can get quite messy when you do that blindfolded. You have no idea where anything is and your spit just goes everywhere. Which is ok for Him because He likes it sloppy. Most women would turn their noses at being cum on with no gratification for them, but in this lifestyle not only is it acceptable it happens alot for Master and I. I have never had a problem with being used this way. It is when He wants me to swallow His cum that I cringe. It's a psychological thing, I don't like the taste and I know little swimmy thing's are going around my throat and teeth. *shudders*

There are some times when it isn't quite so bad but that is when I have been used to the point of exaustion and I don't really care what happens next. After being used I get a feeling of being lowered and in a way put in my place. I get kind of funny afterwards, in the sense that I haven't quite gotten use to the feelings that insue the usage. I like the before anticipation and the during thrill, but the after feelings are a bit unsettling. Master and I talked about this for a little while last night and He assured me that what I feel after being used as His sexual puppet is normal. And that if I didn't feel these things, He would be worrying. No one likes to be used or the feelings that happen after being used, but there are times when it does/will happen.

Master also asked me, "Do you get any pleasure out of pleasing me that way?". I had to answer honestly even though at the time I didn't want to. I told Him that the only way that I get pleasure out of being used is when I am used to the brink of exhaustion. Basically fully and completely. Chained, gaged, blindfolded and fucked to pieces then spanked, whipped and hit with the belt from my breasts to my toes. Then I get the pleasure and gratification that even though I didn't cum, I gave my Master the pleasure that He needs. I fueled His sadistic side and His need to use me. Then and only then do I really get any pleasure out of being used.

As far as I am concerned the drama with an online someone is done and over with. I have decided to look at this from a different perspective. I am going to ejoy the things that I can partake in. Concentrate on my submissive side and my slavery to my Master. I am going to let the drama and harshness of other people drip right off my back. And no longer worry about any of this. I have in a sense washed my hands of this mess.

We have a load going to Amsterdam NewYork that picks up tomorrow. Master is going to try and get it early. If we can pick it up early, we can deliver early and go get the one comming out of MA that delivers right back down to NC and have all the profit on this weeks settlement. So we could conceivably be out of the hole this week and stay out! *does a little happy dance*

Gotta go help Master park and all that nonsense.

Thinking as one

(Was suppose to be for Yesterday but internet was off)
Apparently Master and I were thinking alike yesterday with out even knowing it. He was having an image in His head all day of placing a kennel in between the seats, puting me in it and feeding bits of food or snacks to me through out the day. With out speaking to one another we were thinking about the same deviant fantasies. It is very strange sometimes to think that we are so much alike that we sometimes think the same things.

Then again sometimes Master pushes the fantasies to the max. Testing the boundaries or limits that I have put into place to see exactly how far I will go with a certain thing. And sometimes that is a bit to far for my taste.

I am still getting use to the idea of being used as just property. As either a toy for Master's pleasure, a piece of furnature or a trinket to dress up and show off. Any and all of those should be viewed as very wrong. But they arn't, just like the pup play. I still have a smallish struggle to get into the mindset to allow that sort of thing to happen. I think the more that Master uses me in that way the easier it will be. Practice makes perfect after all.
Sense this is my first relationship that I have had to lower myself into a type of second class citizenship I still have thoughts, feelings and ideals that arn't befitting a slave. I still have a really hard time accepting the double standards of this life, but I am getting better. This is the life that I have chosen to live with the Man and Master that I love. I am going to strive to do it right. Master has this personality trait that demands that if someone does something (especially us) then they should do it right. Don't pussy foot around or make excuses for not doing it. Just do it and either get it done and move on, or get it done and learn from it. I have tried to live up to that statement the whole time I have been on this truck. And let me tell you, it wasn't pretty the first few months. I was fighting the rules, my place and my duties at every turn. With all of that I have gotten way better. If you think I'm bad now, You must not of known us in the beginning.

Like I've said before I know I'm not a perfect slave. That I do voice my concerns and argue with my Master when my beleifs are being questioned. But if Master still wants to own me and He doesn't mind any of that. Then everyone elses oppinion doesn't matter. The only one that I listen to is Him. If He tells me I'm out of line, then I am. But some person that isn't involved in any of this isn't going to tell me what I'm doing is wrong. Only Master has that kind of power.

Last night after my post people got all upity again. I wasn't talking about anyone and yet the drama still happened. Plus we were in roaming so not only did that phone call ruin His call with His daughter (by making it non-existant!) it also cost us a fortune we don't have! We have been in the hole with this business sense the beginning and now we have to spend extra just to set some chicky straight?? W.T.F. is up with that?! But Master and I talked about it for a long while last night. We came up with a simple solution. I ignore the drama and try to make nice. Which I will do once this conversation is over and done with. If it can be fixed it will be, if not it wont be. Either way it will be resolved. One way is good for Master, me and her. The other way is bad for everyone especially her. From this point on though I am going to ignore all the harsh digs, the pettiness and drama from everyone in my life and concentrate on my servitude to my Master.

Right now we are going along the mountains of West Virginia and a more pretty sight I can not imagine. The trees are all green and blooming. Everything is just breath taking right now. I really like the purple splotches from the trees. We go through so many places that have great views, sometimes it's taken for granted just how pretty it is up here. Master says that if people ignore it He figures it was made for Him to enjoy. And that is exactly what He does. He only gets to see small glimpses because He's driving but that is in a large part why I take the pictures. I can't wait until a digital camera shows up. I have a nack for taking pictures and always have. I really like doing it and now it helps Him see what He missed.

Right now I am going to enjoy the time that I have been gifted with this view and my Master.

Pup Play

For the past week and a half I have had a severe need to do pup play. I don't know why any of the activities of being a dog/puppy excite me. A part of me wants to deny it until I am blue in the face. But all you would have to do to know otherwise is mention putting my lying behind in a cage and I'm all aquiver as Master puts it. There is just something about being made to crawl on all floors everywhere I go, having to scratch at the bathroom door to pee or even eating out of a dog dish that makes my heart start to race in antisipation. Maybe it's the humiliation of it all that excites me. Because the worst thing ever is having to either pee outside or bark at the back door to let Master know that is exactly what I have to do. Those are two things that I am still unsure about. Their pretty extreme even for me.

The parts that excites me are sleeping in a cage, having a leash on, eating treats from Master's hand and eating from the doggie bowl. For some even that is extreme but it excites me like nothing else. It is the forbidden aspect of being a puppy girl that sends lustfull images of Master taking me from behind like the bitch that I am. I cant explain it.

This last couple of weeks/month has been really hard on me. To the point that I need to feel nothing but my Master's ownership. Exactly how much in control that He is. I need to be humiliated, lowered and put into my place to the max in order to let everything go. Basically I need to be whipped, gaged, and tied up. I need to be treated like a rag doll or bitch that is only here for my Master's pleasure. I don't need nice. I need harsh, extreme and humiliation. When I am stripped raw I am at my basic form. I am completely submissive and not able to think. Which is exactly what I need. When I am not thinking just feeling I am more in tune with my Master and HIS needs then anything else. It is the best way for me to center myself and get back to who I really am. Call it sub space or anything else you wish. I call it my Anna space.

I think tomorrow I will talk to Master about it. Tonight I know He just wants to relax and He has a phone call that He really doesn't want to make then He will call His little girl. I know He has been looking forward to that all day, and if the first conversation ruins that I will be livid. She hasn't seen anything yet if she takes that away from Him! *takes a deep breath* Plus We have been trying to get a good movie night in for a while now. And We have the munchies and time. So no time like the pressent right?

I have to help Master back up a 75 foot trailer with out hitting anything.

*His slave/pup/bitch :)

A section of the Rubiat, By Ohmar Kyan

 

The moving finger writes,
And having writ moves on,
Nor all thy piety nor wit shall luir it back to cancel half a line,
Nor all thy tears shall wash out a word of it.

I know I butchered the spelling of His name, but this is one of my favorite pieces in his works. Pretty much He is saying be careful what you say because once it's out there, it's out there. Once I read this a long while ago I have tried to do just that. But sometimes emotions are to raw that they slip out. And I don't try to take them back because I cant. All I can do is try to apologize if I think it's needed, or move on. Which is what I have done. When it comes to my feelings I wont apologize for them. Neither will I ignore them. I can't do that for anyone, not even my Master. He has learned that about me and has accepted that. Sometimes he doesn't like what I write, but he knows it's what I am feeling. So he doesn't get mad at me. But mad at the actions or situation that created those feelings. For his understanding I could not be more thankful.

Some people say that Master's can do whatever they want because they are the Dominate. Which is true. But the difference between my Master and some other Dominates, (not all of course)is that my Master is a nice guy. He knows that he can but he doesn't. Because he knows what that would do to me. Not only is he a nice guy but he is a gambling man. And the pro's are outnumbered by the con's of, for instance getting yet another girl. Master knows how I feel about him being with other girls. Not only am I extremely possessive of my Master but I am uneasy with the girl as well. All of that will affect my performance as His slave and His lil'one. Which will affect him. It's just not worth it to Him. And for that side of him that ways the pro's and con's I am 100% grateful. That part of his personality is what made me trust him in the very beginning. Just because he is Master doesn't mean it takes away the fact that he is also the love of my life. I fell in love with the man and the Master.

This last situation with drama a little while ago has really stung. (It's 4:04 PM this happened a little over an hour ago) I use to think that after all of this was resolved me and Blank would become friends and maybe be stronger together for it. But that was made very clear today that that isn't going to happen. I removed myself from the situation a couple of days ago but finally found a way to post it yesterday and today. Ever sense this started I was slowly removing myself from it because I felt they needed their privacy and it wasn't something that involved me. Yes, he is my Master but what he does in his free time and who he does it with is for him to decide. I have no say in that nor do I want any. I use to think that I had a right, a privilege to be involved with everything he does. But I have learned otherwise the last month. And I have accepted it. But for some reason doing that then blogging about it has caused more problems then any of this is worth. As far as I am concerned we are no longer friends, that she is just Master's girl on imvu and what happens now definitely isn't my business.

I use to think that all three of us were getting closer and closer as time went by. That this could possibly develope into a real life situation. But the more I think about it, any more wrong I could not have been. Her personality demands that she be an Alpha and I get that, I really do. But in this family their is already one of those and there isn't going to be another one. I know the way of things and where my place is. It's right at my Masters feet. I got and accepted that a long time ago. The chain isn't Master, me then anyone else. It's 1) Master 2) His daughter 3) me and then 4) any other girl he might want to add to the family. And that particular girl is going to have to understand that that is her place. That she is the second girl in the family and always will be. There is no advancing in the hierarchy of slaves. That's it. Now the sooner she gets that apon entering this family, the better it is going to be for everyone involved, especially Master. Who should be the first and last priority. But I know now that she will never accept this and it will be a constant struggle as time goes by. That's just the truth of the matter. I'm not trying to tell everyone her feelings or anything, just what I have gotten out of all the harsh offline messages every time I go to check my email. Or all the text messages she sends Master that he tells me about.

This last little bit pushed me over the edge into not-caring-land. I am Swiss about the whole thing. It has been made clear by her that this will never be fixed and that she will not allow it to be fixed. She is trying to tell me what to do at every turn. Trying to make me into the bad person. She tried telling Master that she couldn't ask questions or voice concerns. I specifically told her to ask questions and voice her concerns and limits. Master heard it and so did Sir C. So that doesn't fly. Hell, Master has even told her to ask questions or voice her concerns. What I think is wrong is the fact that she has decided, with out talking to Master, to "retaliate" on her imvu homepage. Everyone on imvu will know exactly what she is talking about and who she is talking about. But on here no one knows who Sir C is, or who Master is on there. Or even who I am on there.. They are just initials of people that affect my life in one way or the other. And that is exactly why I write here! Because this is neutral ground. I don't complain about anyone on my homepage. (Other then the fake that calls himself a Master, but that was a legit warning to all submissive on imvu)

I am siting here on the floor writing this out. Usually I come to the floor to feel more submissive. To find a way to think things through with out sounding mean or harsh. It doesn't always work, but it does help me make sense about what is going on in my head and heart. Although this time I know it isn't going to do any good. That she will find something wrong about this to if I post it. And it will cause even more problems for my Master. All because she can't read it for what it is. A slave venting in a safe, secure place that not only can her Master read, but other slaves that might be going through the same things. I write here because I cant voice my concerns by talking. I have a hard time getting past the "What will happen?" or "Is this what he wants to hear and will I get into trouble for it?" So I write. I don't hold back. Anything and everything that pops into my head gets written down as soon as my fingers start going. I don't have a filter. Maybe I should, but I don't and honestly I don't want one. If you don't like what you read don't read it. I have said that many many times before! And I will continue to keep saying that until the day God takes me.

Taking a step back

I have come to the realization that people are going to think what they want to think no matter how many times I try and clear it up. Some people just read what they want to and base everything else on false assumptions. Which is ok as long as it doesn't affect me. But when people get all bothered about something I write here that doesn't mean what they think or want it to, it affects me. It affects my level of submission to my Master. It affects my once good mood and I start to make mistakes with my Master. And that I can't have.

What people need to realize is things arn't always about them. If I say the sky is light grey, are you going to get offended because where your at its blue? No. It's just me stating a simple truth (because facts can be manipulated) about what the sky looks like HERE. That is all I ever do. State simple truths about my feelings as a whole or sometimes rather specifically. I am human. I do have feelings. Sometimes they are rather mean, hurtful and rude feelings to others but I have them. I don't like when I have those kind of feelings either and that is why I analyze them here. That is why I have to write them. Once they are out of my head I can look at things more clearly and then move on. And once people click the red X for that post they should move on to.

But sadly they don't. So I am taking a step back from everything and letting people think what they will. That means let my mother deal with her delusions that my grand mother will change, let D.E think what she wants about Master and I. And everyone else out there that thinks either me or Master are something we arn't. I can't change their minds with simple words. So why bother? Why should I let them ruin a perfectly good day and a great mood because they read to much or to little into something? I don't think I should, so I'm not. Or at least I'm going to work on not doing that.

Yesterday We stopped kind of early because we couldn't pick the load up by the time they got done loading trucks. I always enjoy when things like that happen because it gives Master and I more time to hang out, talk and play around with out the steering wheel in his hands. Plus once it is dark we get to participate in this lifestyle aka scenes. Well we went into the Pilot to take a shower and there was something iffy about the whole thing. Master went to have a smoke while we were waiting for our number to be called. And apparently Master took 10 minutes to smoke one cigarette which never happens. So the Pilot people took my shower off the board and made it so we were last in line. I ended up taking a shower with Master instead. It was ok, the shower was rather large so no complaints about that.

When we got back to the truck Master played chess for a while and I sat next to him and just watched. It was very relaxing to sit there and not have to worry about anything or anyone. All the drama with my family was so far from on my mind it was great. There were other things, but they arn't worth mentioning that's how little of a problem it is. When it was finally dark Master let me play for a while with the toy. It had been a little over a week sense the last time I was allowed to cum and quite frankly it was fantastic! The first orgasm was extremely powerful. But something was kind of missing, I was still really horny. So Master let me play again. :) And orgasm again. I was sated to the max. I am still horny today but that is what happens when Master plays with my boobs while he drives. I really really like when he does that.

There isn't much going on right now except drama that I am choosing to ignore. Master is listening to some talk show on the radio. I think I will go read a couple of blogs and maybe work on my chess skills so Master wont beat me.

We are very competitive... Cant you tell?

So much for no Drama

For the last... Month or so I have been dealing with one kind of drama or the other. My mom sent me a really long email talking about her and my grandmother fighting again. They go through spurts where everything is ok. Then my grandmother get's a wild hair up her butt and goes nuts again. She has a tendancy to belittle my mother for things that happened 20+ years ago. That stuff was even before I was born, but here I am not even in the house and I am still forced into the middle.

When I moved in with Master my grandmother through a bitch fit. To the point where she no longer recognises me as her grand daughter, or that I am even in the family. Shows just how understanding they are. She is a major drunk and when her and Master first talked she was blitzed. And He turned livid rather quickly. I moved out and she threatened to call the cops with a kidnapping report. She would have gone to jail as soon as I showed my birth certificat and explained that I moved out. She would of falsified a police report. Well, as soon as that was said to her she backed down and excomunicated me from the family so to speak.

Because of this little issue my Mother and I don't really talk because she is afriad of HER mother. My mother is almost 40 years old and she is still treated like a whiney teenager. So in this email she was complaining about that and how my aunt Mel's divorce is finalized finally. And that she has custody of the kids thank god. But I don't honestly care for that side of the family due to my personal issues in the past. But for some reason she just HAD to inform me of all of this.

Only thing I cared about what my uncle Bobby, (my mother's brother who is AWSOME) has resurfaced from his leaving the family period again. He seems to be doing well and still is in the logging business in South Texas somewhere. He didn't say where exactly because that is to much info for my grandmother to have and I understand that sentiment. Uncle Bobby and I have always gotten along. Probably because we are the "Black sheep" of the family. He never took any of my grandmother's shit. And when she started berating or belittling Him, he would just leave and stop talking to her for a few years. I am starting to think he has the right idea.

Now on top of all of this, D.E is doing her shit again like I said in a previous post. And hopefully she has stopped after our conversation sunday night. But if she pops back up I am just going to let Master handle her. I am sick of being called an inexperienced little girl, a truck stop whore and an immature little bitch when I have done nothing to her. I haven't called her any kind of name in response, I have only asked her to stop. Now what Master does is His business. I am not going to tell Him to do something or not do something where this kind of thing is concerned.

If that was the last of the drama it would be tollerable. But noooo. B has decided to go nutso. She complained about a blog hurting her feelings rather harshly the other day so I said I wouldn't write about her anymore and she still complained. What the H.E.L.L am I suppose to do with that? I stated that unless it has her name on it, it wasn't about her so it was non of her business. But apparently my yahoo tagline is now the problem which states "sick of the drama... Do with what you want and leave me be..." Which had/has to deal with all of this that I'm writing about not just her. I don't like drama and after the Surrender post I figured this issue would have been fixed. But as soon as I got on yahoo she started up again. All I wanted to do was check my email and she attackes. WTF??

So here I am trying to calm down Master who is getting more and more crap from my family, D.E and now B. It is now apon me to make sure that He stays calm and in a relatively good mood. This is one of those times that I have to mirror His moods and not take anything He says to personal. When He is Mad I get quiet and docile, When He gets Happy and in a joking attitude I get all goofy and playful. When He is sad I get attentave and caring. This is one of the unspoken agreements between Master and slave. If He is having a hard time I stop what I'm doing and help Him. My whole job (only word I have right now) is to take care of His needs, wants and desires. All of my issues, concerns, agrivations and desires come second to His. That is the way it will always be unless He is in a good mood and my concerns or agrivations are affecting Him. Then He will deal with the cause of the situation, try and fix it or remove it all together. Then we get on with our day. Unless it REALLY affects me then I have to process it so I can move on. Which all of this is doing exactly that. I had to sit on the floor last night after reading her messages, my moms messages, and everything else that causes stress and drama.

I am going to have to take this one day at a time. And ignore everything that would possibly ruin a good day and let Master deal with all of that. When things bother me to a certian extent Master tries to take control of the situation but lately I haven't been letting Him. From now on though, I think that would be the best thing right now... 

It's not that I don't like B because I do. I have a lot of respect for her. We talk, goof and play, we even talk about Master, but don't tell Him. And once everything is sorted out, her and I will become even better friends in the future.. I hope.

I have to help Master find a trailer so we can get our next load.

*His lil'one and slave

Surrender

For the past couple of weeks I have been writing about the developing situation with Master and B. Not all of the posts as you know (if you've read them that is) were about that subject. But when/if I ever had feelings that I needed to express with, what I thought was, no fear of consequences. But I was dead wrong. Apparently B has had a personal problem with my posts about her. She has said quite harshly several times that she doesn't appreciate what she thought I wrote...

At first when I read her messages and was told by Master the messages addressed to Him about it I was of the position that I wouldn't be censoring my writings/posts just because of her hurt sensibilities. That this was suppose to be like an online journal. One that I can ask others of the lifestyle questions or get comments from them. Where I would be able to fully express myself with no reservations, no holding back. But we were dead wrong.

I realize now that some people are going to read what they want to see instead of what is written and how it is written. It has probably happened to every blog writer out there. Why I thought mine would be any different, I don't know. I didn't expect it to happen so soon though. I am usually the type of person that stands up for what she believes in. But while under Master I have learned that sometimes my beliefs are faulty and that it is, under the right circumstance, better to surrender and live to see another day.

I know I'm not the perfect slave, that I loose sight of my Master being the Dominate. That I fail just as much as He does. But I don't need to be told that by anyone but my Master. Because at the end of the day it's His opinion that truly matters. No one else. If my Master is pleased of my progress and behavior and learning curve then I must be doing something right. I don't need my tender spot poked at by having someone who hasn't really been in the lifestyle either tell me. Especially when the person knows that that is a weak spot. Just because one person submits on a different level then I do doesn't mean I am a bad slave or that they are the bad slave. It just means that we are on two different levels. There should be no comparison. I am guilty of that myself with the blogs I read. But when they have a little rant on their blog I don't automatically assume it to be about me and take offense to it. I take it at face value. That another slave is having problems, sometimes the same ones I have and possibly learn from it. Or comment and gain a connection.

But all of that is irrelevant at this point. This is one of those times that it's best to surrender. I never thought this would be something I would have to sensor. But now that it is, any thoughts, feelings or concerns I have about B and Master's relationship I will write privately in my paper slave journal. If Master reads it and then tells me to post it here... Well then she will have to take her issues to Master. That is out of my hands. I will just be obeying my Master like a good little slave girl.

The curse of Drama

I should start off by saying that I absolutely HATE drama and all the silly little games that comes with it. If you have a problem with me then come to me like a grown up and tell me so either I can help fix the situation or tell you to stop. Lately that's all I have been dealing with.

This chick online, for privacy sake she is called D.E, and she thinks she knows how Master and I feel for one another by the blogs she has read. She quoted a few things that were way out of context. Why people do that is beyond me. How about read what is there and leave it at that. Preferably how that is written. Don't you dare tell me that my Master is a fake and just using me when you know nothing about it. It's not just some computer game where you can click the little red X when things get to hard. So we go through bumps in the road that get smoothed out if not same day, the next day. Which is also none of your business. Don't tell me what you think my Master has done in his past, because if you are either his best friend in the world or him you know jack shit! I don't even know the whole thing and quite frankly I don't want to know. What I do know isn't at all pretty. But that is between him and his god not anyone who thinks he's done them wrong... Just stop with the drama and the stalking already. I mean every time her picture goes away from my page it pops right back up. We have never talked so she doesn't need to be there.

Which brings me to my next point. If you read my blog and take it personal and it ends up hurting you feelings, sorry. But when I write I'm not thinking about you, my Master or any of the other readers out there. I write when things bother me. Half the time I have to re-read what I have written to make sure it all makes sense. Because once I start, I don't stop until I feel better about the situation and my feelings. And if my words end up hurting you again sorry but maybe your taking things way to personal. Like Master always says, "I might not like what you write, but it's the truth. How can I get upset with you about that?" Which is my point. If these writings upset you then maybe you are looking at them wrong or on a warped view of things. I'm not trying to make it out that your feelings are wrong. But if my words make you mad or hurt your sensibilities or even offend you. Well, then maybe you needed to be offended. I am not going to sensor my writings just because your sensibilities are wounded. Like I said in the very beginning of my blog, If you are weak of stomach, or offend easily X out now. I am not going to change my feelings because someone takes things to personal. Someone is always going to do that. If you don't accept my words for exactly what they are that is your problem that you need to work on. So stop whining or complaining about not being wanted around or that you were hurt by my writings. If they hurt you you should probably stop reading them... Very simple.

On a better note. Master and I are doing so much better yesterday and today. There has been an influx of control and ownership I am in high heaven. He has finally opened up His eyes and realized that he was focusing more on work then the life that we should be living together. Which is wrong of him to do. And it was wrong of me the way that I pointed it out to him and brought it up. I should never of yelled at him or snatched the money out of his hand. I should of calmed down and brought it up to Him the right way. The submissive way. But my feelings were over riding my thought process which is entirely my fault. I know that just because I am having a bad day or off week doesn't mean I should disrespect him the way I did. I am going to work very hard on not letting my emotions take control of me anymore. I know it will be hard and one hurdle that I will have to continually work on, because some things just rub me the wrong way like every other human being. And just because I am a slave and Master is a Dominate that doesn't erase the simple fact that we are in fact human. We are learning to live with one another in the real world with the stress of bills, work, drama and money. All of that is nonexistent on imvu. We are figuring out our quirks and habits along with everything else. We will make mistakes. It's what we do with those mistakes that counts. And if you happen to be involved with us and our certain issue don't hold it against us for a week. Get over it just like we have to. You might take longer and we get that. But don't throw it in my face after a week and certainly not His. That is in no way going to earn you favor points with us. Quite the opposite.

A new day on Sunday Part: 2

We are still in the truck stop and I am loving being out of the truck. Master and that Man are still hanging out watching Nascar. I myself have been removed from the whole thing except when I am needed. (right now B and Master are texting...hmm) Today has been pretty laid back so far. I've been sitting here playing around on the computer and He has been relaxing enjoying not doing anything. There has been no stress of controlling anyone or being controlled. No worries about B and what she wants, what her limits are and why she is pushing away. It's been good not having to worry about anything for a change.

Last night Master said that worrying about things never change them. It just gives you a massive headache. So today I have been working on not worrying. Sometimes a few stray strands of worry pop into my head but I'm pushing them out of my mind as soon as they pop up. But there are a few that wont go away no matter how hard I try to keep them away. I'm not worrying about sitting this weekend because we really needed it. Although it puts stress on the paycheck or lack there of. But maybe something good will happen next week.

I am kind of hoping that Master will want to have a scene today now that we have the time. I don't want to say anything because I am really trying not to push... But sometimes I just can not help myself. I just really enjoy the things that we do. So I find myself wanting to do more and more of it. 

Master and Sir C (the Dominate we met at a truck stop) have talked for a long time. They seem to of really hit it off. It was really fun talking to someone else of this lifestyle while Master was there with me. When he left me alone with Sir C I felt odd. I didn't know what to do and I floundered. Even though he was in the same room, Master wasn't next to me. I didn't feel His support or nearness like I usually do. I have come to depend on my Master's presence in order to feel pleased with myself and my performance. I can't explain it other then how I just did. At first I was a little uncomfortable with how personal Sir was getting with the questions. But Master and I came to the truck for a short while to check on the batteries and get quarters, I talked with Him about it. He told me that although it is rather normal for another Master to ask Him questions about our sexual preferences it isn't ok to Him that Sir C did it with me. And it is also acceptable for other slaves to talk with me about it. But with Sir it was a little to personal at that point. Master said He would talk to Sir. And they did. Once Master was more involved I didn't mind answering Sir's questions because I could and did look up at Master to make sure it was ok for me to answer. 


While we were outside talking with Sir while they smoked after dinner, B sent us a text asking what our plans were. So I told her. That Master and Sir were going to talk maybe watch more T.V and that I was going to have the computer for tonight. Well, I guess that wasn't good enough for her. So I sent her one back asking why my company wasn't good enough when she knows Master is busy. I never got a straight answer. So I told her that we would be talking and she came back with, No I'm good Anna. Well as you can imagine I was mad at that point. I was in no way shape or form good with the situation. She still has not figured out that this isn't just about her and Master. Never will be. So I called her. You know the first thing she tried to do? Get all alpha with me. Uh, sorry not going to happen. She isn't going to tell me how anything is going to work.  This is something her and I are going to have to work out. Slave hierarchy is between the slaves. Has nothing to do with Master until it affects our performance. Which I am bound and determined not to let happen! (And yes B, Alpha is in the B.D.S.M dictionary. It is in fact a real thing and position. Not just an onlinism.) But I refuse to let that ruin the good day. 


Sir C gave Master His phone number and visa versa so T and I (Sirs girl) can talk. Master mentioned how I have been looking for someone to talk to that has irl experience in this lifestyle. And she has had both. I got to talk to her a little bit on the phone. They have decided to join IMVU.com. It is kinda cool finding and getting to know another D/s couple. I look forward to getting to know the both of them.

A new day on Sunday

We are here in Tomah Wisconsin. We got here yesterday to deliver a load. But nothing is coming out of this area until the 19th and it delivers the 20th. It wont do much good for this weeks paycheck but next week should start out half way decent. 

We have finally ran into another person that knew exactly what my collar was. 

He said, "I like your collar... Does it mean what I think it means?". 

I then replied to Him, "I don't know what do You think it means?". 

He said, "Are You all in the lifestyle? Dominance? Submission?"

Master then said "Yeah.."

It was pretty interesting. So now they are watching T.V and I get the computer while they talk until I am needed. I have never been in this situation before. I have never net another Master/Dominate before. It's kind of nerve wracking and kind of exhilarating at the same time. How is it that the things that can scare you or make you nervous the most can also bring you great joy if you just take the jump?

When Master finally got off the computer last night we had a long talk about us. About how a couple of days ago Master had a light bulb moment. He has decided that it is time to live this. I hope he is right and does do what He has said he is going to. I am a little bit more optimistic today then I was yesterday.. I'm going to go some snooping on the internet...

Will write more about today later on.

April 15th's late entry

Yesterday I was at the point where I wanted nothing to do with this lifestyle.. I didn't want to be a slave anymore. And I definitely did not want my collar. A part of me this morning still doesn't want this.. I am afraid that if I continue down this path that I am going to loose me... I worked very hard to find my inner self. And now the girl I was a year ago isn't the girl I am now. But Master won't let me quit... He "knows" who I am and what I want better then I do it would seem. So I am still collared... I am still His slave... And I am still a bit unhappy...
(the writing below is a section of my Paper Journal... I figured it fit this topic so here it is)

April 15Th

I was in a rather decient mood this Morning until I asked Master if He would like to come with me to the bathroom. I have a hard time walking out and about alone. You could say it's not trusting the human race to be decient people and leave me alone. Or You could say it has to do with the constant stares I get because of my collar. Both would be correct. But this time He acted like it was a huge burden and inconvenience. I guess from now I will have to learn to deal with the looks, hushed voices when I walk into a room on my own, wouldn't want to inconvenience the Master, now would we?? But He has made it crystal clear my wants are not what it is about... After telling me I wake up like a bitch three different times He slammed the computer, pads of paper and Qualcom around. Then He procceeded to wave the Qaulcom inches from my face while yelling "Shut your god damn mouth while I am working...". All I did was ask the rate for the load He was looking up.. I was in the bathroom so wasn't around when He got it. This is what happens when I get curious, and He wants to know why I never ask questions anymore... Prime example right here. This time I have learned my lesson, plus a few other things... I wont speak, ask questions or try to joke while He is working.

In order to be His I have to stop being me. It's not about my wants or needs, basic or otherwise. All my quirks that use to be cute are now met with anger and harsh corrections. This right here is why I have already made the changes you see now. But that isn't enough. Now no more talking while he is working (which is all day, if He isn't driving He is talking to the shipper/recieving people, planning a load/route or getting fuel) no more questions... Period. No more playful defiance. From now on I am His slave/bitch and he is my Master. He can do whatever He wants. I will never question Him or tell Him my thoughts if they arn't asked for. If He wants my oppinion He will have to ask for it. Afther all I'm just the slave, bitch and passenger. It's time I acted like it. If He doesn't like something about me I will have to change it. No more attitude. Just "Yes, Master..."

You can consider me firmly put in my place. So Thank You Master. Your bitch will do better...

April 15Th Continued

How can I be a slave when I don't feel submissive towards Him? Or submissive at all for that matter. I don't think I can with out forcing myself to ignore my true feelings that are throwing red flags in the air. I am afraid He is going to change me so much I will loose who I am... Or was. I liked the playful spunky innocent girl that had to know everything about every subject. Now all I want to know about is B.D.S.M because maybe in collecting all there is to know about it I will once again please my Master.. Because everything that I do doesn't work. It has all but backfired. I am quiet and reserved. I don't play around nearly as much as I use to. And I don't really have any ambitions other then please Him. So my life revolves around Him and I am failing at it horribly... I don't know what to do....

Umm.. Where am I and who are you??

This week has been extremely hectic and scattered. There has been so much going on that at times I have forgotten who I even was. At one point I forgot where we were and that is usually what Master does. We have been in seven states. I know I am probably missing some. We have picked up one load then delivered it to get back in the truck to drive to where we pick up ANOTHER load. It is becoming harder and harder to balance this business and our Lifestyle.

These last two or three days have been extremely hard on me. I have had one emotion after the other and some of them are new. I don't know about you but new emotions are hard for me to get through. I have to process everything on my own time, and sometimes that is a rather lengthly process. My Master has a hard time accepting that things don't happen at a drop of a hat with me. Beleive me I wish they did. It would make my life Sooo much easier. I wish I could analize things correctly and in a timely manner. But my mind wont stop thinking about things until I have reached the end of the subject in my head.

Yesterday I was having such an off day. The internet wasn't working, my brain was so pre-occupied that I wasn't paying that much attention to Master. I wasn't talking to B as much as I usually do to. I think the realization that I am removing myself from the situation with B and Master made me extremely cautious. Until now I haven't been giving Master the freedom (I know bad word but it's all I got) of doing things His way. I have been fighting him tooth and nail on that. Only real good thing about yesterday was that I did my steps that morning. All of them in the order they were suppose to be done the last three/four months.

When I went in to take a shower I was getting back on the right track. Until I closed the door and realized I didn't have any conditioner and my shaver was on the fritz. My hair has to have conditioner when I wash it or it will get so tangled I will end up breaking my brush when I even try to do it. And it was a Venus Razor. It should of lasted a lot longer. And I had a sort of mental break down in the shower... Well, during it I should say. I was crying through out the whole thing. I know it sounds kind of stupid, and it was. But everything just bubbled up to the surface at once, and that was the timing. It was an accumilation of being in the whole for months after months, going back to cheap razors that cut every swipe, not being smooth for my Master, not having back up loads for the weekend and just the stress of day to day living. I couldn't of controlled it if I wanted to...
Only horrible thing was I accidentally left my collar in the Loves truck stop. Once your out of there, they try and clean it as fast as possible so another body can get in it. They also just have a tendancy to throw things away when they are left behind. So Master ran as fast as he could to go see if it was still there... Thankfully it was. I was so worried about that. I honestly wasn't even thinking as I was leaving the shower. I just wanted to get out of there and into Master's comforting arms as soon as humanly possible. I was still wet, and if my head wasn't attached I would of left it too.
After a while once we were done eating and watching a Movie (Eragon: wasnt as good as the books, not even by half!) Master had me do a punishment writing. I hate to write something that is given to me. I like to free write the best and I had horrible writers block on the subject. I was suppose to write the importance of my collar, what it means to me, what it's suppose to mean and why I will never leave it behind again. Which made me feel Horrible. Looking back on it I over reacted. I should of just done the punishment, learned from it and moved on. But I didn't. I dwelled on it because for a split second I didn't know if I was going to get it back or not. It brought into light that even though at times being a slave is hard... and unfair at times. It is still who and what I am. I need my collar more then I need my wedding ring. Now I'm not saying I don't want to marry Master, because it's quite the opposite. I just feel that the fiance/wifey things come second to the slave duties and personality.
For a little while I was starting to question if I really wanted to be a slave in this lifestyle anymore. Whether it was all worth some of the negative feelings that I sometimes feel when Master does certain things that I don't like or agree with. But this circumstance has brought to light the fact that it is all still very worth it. That no matter what I do or wear I will still always be a slave at heart. That even though Master is still hessitating due to fear of hurting me or letting out his... assish tendancies, He is still Master. I had forgotten that for a while. Just because Master isn't acting like a uber-dom doesn't mean I should treat him with the disrespect I have been giving him. So what if he likes to play around? It could be worse after all. Funny how you have lightbulb moments at the weirdest times... *shrugs*

This week has been extremely hectic and scattered. There has been so much going on that at times I have forgotten who I even was. At one point I forgot where we were and that is usually what Master does. We have been in seven states. I know I am probably missing some. We have picked up one load then delivered it to get back in the truck to drive to where we pick up ANOTHER load. It is becoming harder and harder to balance this business and our Lifestyle.
These last two or three days have been extremely hard on me. I have had one emotion after the other and some of them are new. I don't know about you but new emotions are hard for me to get through. I have to process everything on my own time, and sometimes that is a rather lengthly process. My Master has a hard time accepting that things don't happen at a drop of a hat with me. Beleive me I wish they did. It would make my life Sooo much easier. I wish I could analize things correctly and in a timely manner. But my mind wont stop thinking about things until I have reached the end of the subject in my head.

Yesterday I was having such an off day. The internet wasn't working, my brain was so pre-occupied that I wasn't paying that much attention to Master. I wasn't talking to B as much as I usually do to. I think the realization that I am removing myself from the situation with B and Master made me extremely cautious. Until now I haven't been giving Master the freedom (I know bad word but it's all I got) of doing things His way. I have been fighting him tooth and nail on that. Only real good thing about yesterday was that I did my steps that morning. All of them in the order they were suppose to be done the last three/four months.

When I went in to take a shower I was getting back on the right track. Until I closed the door and realized I didn't have any conditioner and my shaver was on the fritz. My hair has to have conditioner when I wash it or it will get so tangled I will end up breaking my brush when I even try to do it. And it was a Venus Razor. It should of lasted a lot longer. And I had a sort of mental break down in the shower... Well, during it I should say. I was crying through out the whole thing. I know it sounds kind of stupid, and it was. But everything just bubbled up to the surface at once, and that was the timing. It was an accumilation of being in the whole for months after months, going back to cheap razors that cut every swipe, not being smooth for my Master, not having back up loads for the weekend and just the stress of day to day living. I couldn't of controlled it if I wanted to...
Only horrible thing was I accidentally left my collar in the Loves truck stop. Once your out of there, they try and clean it as fast as possible so another body can get in it. They also just have a tendancy to throw things away when they are left behind. So Master ran as fast as he could to go see if it was still there... Thankfully it was. I was so worried about that. I honestly wasn't even thinking as I was leaving the shower. I just wanted to get out of there and into Master's comforting arms as soon as humanly possible. I was still wet, and if my head wasn't attached I would of left it too.
After a while once we were done eating and watching a Movie (Eragon: wasnt as good as the books, not even by half!) Master had me do a punishment writing. I hate to write something that is given to me. I like to free write the best and I had horrible writers block on the subject. I was suppose to write the importance of my collar, what it means to me, what it's suppose to mean and why I will never leave it behind again. Which made me feel Horrible. Looking back on it I over reacted. I should of just done the punishment, learned from it and moved on. But I didn't. I dwelled on it because for a split second I didn't know if I was going to get it back or not. It brought into light that even though at times being a slave is hard... and unfair at times. It is still who and what I am. I need my collar more then I need my wedding ring. Now I'm not saying I don't want to marry Master, because it's quite the opposite. I just feel that the fiance/wifey things come second to the slave duties and personality.
For a little while I was starting to question if I really wanted to be a slave in this lifestyle anymore. Whether it was all worth some of the negative feelings that I sometimes feel when Master does certain things that I don't like or agree with. But this circumstance has brought to light the fact that it is all still very worth it. That no matter what I do or wear I will still always be a slave at heart. That even though Master is still hessitating due to fear of hurting me or letting out his... assish tendancies, He is still Master. I had forgotten that for a while. Just because Master isn't acting like a uber-dom doesn't mean I should treat him with the disrespect I have been giving him. So what if he likes to play around? It could be worse after all. Funny how you have lightbulb moments at the weirdest times... *shrugs*

(photocredit to:This week has been extremely hectic and scattered. There has been so much going on that at times I have forgotten who I even was. At one point I forgot where we were and that is usually what Master does. We have been in seven states. I know I am probably missing some. We have picked up one load then delivered it to get back in the truck to drive to where we pick up ANOTHER load. It is becoming harder and harder to balance this business and our Lifestyle.

These last two or three days have been extremely hard on me. I have had one emotion after the other and some of them are new. I don't know about you but new emotions are hard for me to get through. I have to process everything on my own time, and sometimes that is a rather lengthly process. My Master has a hard time accepting that things don't happen at a drop of a hat with me. Beleive me I wish they did. It would make my life Sooo much easier. I wish I could analize things correctly and in a timely manner. But my mind wont stop thinking about things until I have reached the end of the subject in my head.

Yesterday I was having such an off day. The internet wasn't working, my brain was so pre-occupied that I wasn't paying that much attention to Master. I wasn't talking to B as much as I usually do to. I think the realization that I am removing myself from the situation with B and Master made me extremely cautious. Until now I haven't been giving Master the freedom (I know bad word but it's all I got) of doing things His way. I have been fighting him tooth and nail on that. Only real good thing about yesterday was that I did my steps that morning. All of them in the order they were suppose to be done the last three/four months.

When I went in to take a shower I was getting back on the right track. Until I closed the door and realized I didn't have any conditioner and my shaver was on the fritz. My hair has to have conditioner when I wash it or it will get so tangled I will end up breaking my brush when I even try to do it. And it was a Venus Razor. It should of lasted a lot longer. And I had a sort of mental break down in the shower... Well, during it I should say. I was crying through out the whole thing. I know it sounds kind of stupid, and it was. But everything just bubbled up to the surface at once, and that was the timing. It was an accumilation of being in the whole for months after months, going back to cheap razors that cut every swipe, not being smooth for my Master, not having back up loads for the weekend and just the stress of day to day living. I couldn't of controlled it if I wanted to...
Only horrible thing was I accidentally left my collar in the Loves truck stop. Once your out of there, they try and clean it as fast as possible so another body can get in it. They also just have a tendancy to throw things away when they are left behind. So Master ran as fast as he could to go see if it was still there... Thankfully it was. I was so worried about that. I honestly wasn't even thinking as I was leaving the shower. I just wanted to get out of there and into Master's comforting arms as soon as humanly possible. I was still wet, and if my head wasn't attached I would of left it too.
After a while once we were done eating and watching a Movie (Eragon: wasnt as good as the books, not even by half!) Master had me do a punishment writing. I hate to write something that is given to me. I like to free write the best and I had horrible writers block on the subject. I was suppose to write the importance of my collar, what it means to me, what it's suppose to mean and why I will never leave it behind again. Which made me feel Horrible. Looking back on it I over reacted. I should of just done the punishment, learned from it and moved on. But I didn't. I dwelled on it because for a split second I didn't know if I was going to get it back or not. It brought into light that even though at times being a slave is hard... and unfair at times. It is still who and what I am. I need my collar more then I need my wedding ring. Now I'm not saying I don't want to marry Master, because it's quite the opposite. I just feel that the fiance/wifey things come second to the slave duties and personality.
For a little while I was starting to question if I really wanted to be a slave in this lifestyle anymore. Whether it was all worth some of the negative feelings that I sometimes feel when Master does certain things that I don't like or agree with. But this circumstance has brought to light the fact that it is all still very worth it. That no matter what I do or wear I will still always be a slave at heart. That even though Master is still hessitating due to fear of hurting me or letting out his... assish tendancies, He is still Master. I had forgotten that for a while. Just because Master isn't acting like a uber-dom doesn't mean I should treat him with the disrespect I have been giving him. So what if he likes to play around? It could be worse after all. Funny how you have lightbulb moments at the weirdest times... *shrugs* 

To do or not to do?

For the longest time in the past I have had huge problems with Master being with anyone else in this lifestyle. It just rubs me the wrong way. I get extremely possessive and down right jealous of any girl that He thinks about like that. I haven't been secure enough in my relationship with Him in order to do three somes or the possibility of adding another person into the dinamics of our day to day living. I have a lot of insecurities about Him leaving or me not being pleasing enough for Him so I'm in a way getting replaced... I know in my head that isn't the case. But this kind of thinking isn't exactly logical now is it?? The fuel that drives the flames of my insecurities is my heart and love for not only the Master but the Man. I am deathly afraid to loose the best thing that has ever happened to me in any way. This is something I am slowly starting to digest and analize in my head. I mean snail pase slow. It takes me a long while to process the thoughts and emotions that go through my head when they are foriegn and so raw... I have never been the jealous type in my past relationships. But honestly that is because I didn't care as much as I do now. It wasn't as meaningful and fulfilling as it is now. 
I think this new arrangement with Master, B and myself is really going to force myself to evaluate the situation and not only my feelings but every one's that is involved a bit more. I will have to face my deamons so to speak. And doing this with two people I trust is the best way to do it. B has given me so many reasons to trust her and none not to. She wasn't like everyone else. She cared/cares about the people behind the keyboard and knows that Master and I are in this in the long haul. She didn't want to cause issues or problems between herself and Master, me and her and mostly Master and I. I could not be more thankful for that time she gave us to figure things out. She didn't just jump all over Master expecting to get His goodies day two like everyone else. 

Last night she finally opened up to Master about a couple of concerns she had involving "private time" and how it would work. Now that that conversation is done and over with there is no turning back from the path that W/we have selected. There are many ways this could work out and many forks in the road to choose from. Right now everyone is concentrated on puting one foot in front of the other and feeling each other out. Master doesn't know how far B is willing to go, how much of the control she is willing to give Him yet. And she doesn't really know His limits or all of His expectations yet. We are still feeling around with our snaily antennas so to speak. 
Their conversation made me realize a whole mess of things that may or may not be good things. During their conversation I felt really out of the loop and removed from the entire situation. It wasn't anyone in particular making me feel that way. It just happened. I have become so use to being involved in every aspect of my Masters daily rituals and life that I came to expect it. Which is very bad and wrong of me to do. So in a sense I have become spoiled. When I started to expect to always be involved I was showing my lack of trust in Him to do the right thing. I should have respected His privacy and let Him do things with out my nose in it at every turn. 
Also I have been comparing my relationship with Master and my submission to Him with the blogs I read. And when in my eyes I fall short I get frustrated and upset. Not only at myself for not being up to par, but in Master as well. And that is extremely unfair of me to do. I have come to the conclusion that not everyone submits at the same level or extent as I do and visa versa. Also no one dominates at the same level or extent that Master does. I'm not saying that I wish He would stay at the level He is at right now. I actually wish He would take more and stick with it. I want us to grow as individuals in our seperate roles and together as a couple and Master and slave. 

I have decided that I am going to stop reading other peoples blogs until Master and I are on the right track. It is in no way in disrespect to the writers or anything like that. It is nothing to do with their blog or writings. It's just something that I, as an individual, have decided is best for now. I will just have to resist the urge... Which will be difficult. 

*His slave

Great Views

View from atop Mount Eagle

Today has been going along pretty well. There hasn't been a lot of fighting between Master and me. We are still in what I consider a funk for us. But I think it is slowly starting to go away. We actually joked around today and talked instead of sitting here all bummed out. So thumbs up on that! There were a couple of bumps when I got frustrated and snapped a little. Which is unusual for me. Master is usually the one doing the snapping but this week there was a switch in personalities. Sense the weekend is coming up hopefully something will happen between Friday and Sunday to place them back where they are suppose to be. Maybe even better then usual.

Master read my blog last night and I think it really hit him how close to giving up this lifestyle I really was. He wrote a blog about it called fear of fear itself. And like he said, either put up or shut up. Hopefully he will do the first out of the two. Because, if something doesn't change soon I have contemplated having my collar removed. I'm not sure what it means to be his slave anymore. I would like to say that I know the do's and don'ts, or the rights and privileges. The lines got blurred over the course of our relationship. To the point where I am defiant and obstinate at almost every turn. I will be the first to admit it. And any and all that tell me the same, I will willingly agree. I know what I have been and I know what I haven't been. I also know what Master should of done, but didn't. I don't agree with why and probably never will agree with it. But that is not the point. The point is that it hasn't been done in almost a year and my attitude is the product of it. Like I have said many many times, we will see how this time goes. I will keep you all informed.

We went over Mount Eagle in Tennessee today. The trees were all green and lush. There were even a few purple trees scattered in the view. It was so breath taking. I wish I knew how to get pictures from the phone to the computer. But alas I do not. So all I have is words to describe it. There was whiffs of fog mixing with clouds surrounding the peaks of the mountain. Water spewing out of crevices out of the rock visaed in the mountain. The grass was a gorgeous green along with all the wonderful trees. That in no way gives it credit. I so need a digital camera. 


My internet just cut out so everything I typed from that point on was gone. And I am now livid. So this post is over. I HATE HATE HATE  when shit don't work like it's suppose to!!!

Master, B and exaustion all over the place

This week has been some what trying. The truck has been moving non-stop making us wake up at around 5 am central time and makes it difficult for Master to spend quality time with his new girl online. By the time we stop we are exausted, expecially him. He has been battling wind, thunderstorms and mountains off and on. When he runs like this, it's physically and mentally draining. In one day we woke up in Buffalo New York and went to bed in Danville Illinois. For those of you that don't quite know how far that is, it's around 650 miles between the two... So it's a long ways. 
I know it is trying for B not being able to talk with him all that much. I just hope she understands that he is trying to get on to talk and spend time with her. But days like yesterday prevent him to do so. I have been in her situation and know in my own way what she is feeling. I'm not trying to say or guess how she feels. But I do know it can be difficult when all you want to do is please your Master, and he isn't around a lot. Thankfully she has our phone number, so she could call any time she wants. Down the road I think that little bit will help her and Master grow together a lot. Plus I get to text her while he is driving on and off all day. Which I like tremendiously. *smiles* 

Being able to talk with her more then I did with his other girls is really helping my reservations, concerns and down right nasty feelings on that topic. It's not that I don't absolutely adore her... Because I do. And that is why this is so foreign to me. I was hessitant about her at first for reasons specified at an earlier date. But as the time goes by things seem to mesh rather well. I know it hasn't been all that long, and I am trying to be patient. So far so good though. 

Master and I on the other hand have been in a bit of a funk. I don't know why or what caused it, but it's here... Things I do grate on his nerves and some things he does are just flat out irritating. He has a tendancy to want to play around and goof off more then be serious and I'm the polar opposite. And this week it hasn't meshed well at all. All I have ever wanted is the lifestyle I was told I would experience with him on this truck. But the plunge has not happened. I get led to the pond, get ready to jump in and am told all I can do is stick my toe in it. Do you know how frustrating that is?! It's like giving a dog a treat, but oh, no don't eat it. Grr!! Plus my mind has been occupied with the fact that my period hasn't shown up yet. It's suppose to be here by the 12th so I am jumping the gun a little bit. But the last time we had sex he cam inside me, which is very bad when there is no contraseptive being used at the moment. Sense we haven't had a paycheck in over a month there isn't extra money for birth control and I am allergic to something in condoms and they hurt my innards. (I don't like the words pussy and vagina for some reason.. shrugs) When he does that it makes me extremely nervous until my period actually comes. Then I breath a sigh of relief and move on. 


Were pulling in a Pilot in Kentucky to get fuel and I will have to do numbers, so my lap has to be empty of lap top. Till next time everyone.


*His exausted slave

Another morning, another fuck up

Today is thoroughly going to suck! I have already gotten yelled at for some petty shit, had things snatched out of my hand that I asked rather nicely for concidering the situation. Things were thrown away, that shouldn't have been. Why? Fuck if I know. For some reason he has decided to become the worlds largest pain in the ass this morning. If he really thinks this is how to get me into bed with him, he is sorely mistaken.
Nothing has changed, I don't know why I was fooling myself. Nothing will change either. Least of all him! It's like he doesn't know how to change or wont. Either way it makes a horrid habitat for me to live in. (had a brain fart on what word to use) Why do I even bother trying anymore?? Seems I'm the only one that does try, and I have very little to give anymore. He takes and takes and takes and lately gives nothing back in return except self loathing, disappointment and ridicule. And now apparently I fuck up the loads. So from now on he can do it. I am sick to death of being blamed for bad things happening when I am trying my best! If it isn't good enough for him then I'm not the one he should be with. There's only so much I can do with out getting anything in return.
I just lay there last night for at least an hour, instead of sleeping. I couldn't fall asleep. Ever sense that really big fight, I have felt... different. Hazy, alone and indifferent to everything. Things that didn't irritate me in the beginning do now. The things that did are even worse now... I'm no longer happy and I don't know if it can be fixed this time. This shit has made my emotions foreign to me. Sometimes I feel such rage all I want to do is hit something till my hands bleed. Or I feel so disgusted with myself that I just want to run away from myself. Or I want to pull my hair out because it's so frustrating trying to get the best out of a bad situation that just keeps getting worse. I am at my wits end. I don't know what else to do. The only time Master acts like the dominate is when it's convenient for him. We arn't Master and slave... Were top and bottom. Terms only used for sexual partners that participate in scenes only. I don't think I will ever be the slave I know I am ment to be, that I can be. I will never reach my full potential, not like this. I would rather have a normal relationship then feel what I feel 98% of the time. That's just a fact. I'm at the point where I'm ready to take my collar off. All it is is decoration anyway.
Online it was more Domination and Submission, more power exchange then it is here and now. That's the sad part. I am starting to think that that's the only way he can express that side of him. No that's a lie, I've been thinking that for a while now. I just have refused to voice it... Until now. I have voiced my feelings, issues and concerns and they get glossed over. I get told "things will change..." when they never do. I stopped beleiveing that phrase a while ago. I've gotten it So many times, it's become redundant. I've written this all before, either here or my paper journal. I am going now.

*What ever I am to Him...