Another morning, another fuck up

Today is thoroughly going to suck! I have already gotten yelled at for some petty shit, had things snatched out of my hand that I asked rather nicely for concidering the situation. Things were thrown away, that shouldn't have been. Why? Fuck if I know. For some reason he has decided to become the worlds largest pain in the ass this morning. If he really thinks this is how to get me into bed with him, he is sorely mistaken.
Nothing has changed, I don't know why I was fooling myself. Nothing will change either. Least of all him! It's like he doesn't know how to change or wont. Either way it makes a horrid habitat for me to live in. (had a brain fart on what word to use) Why do I even bother trying anymore?? Seems I'm the only one that does try, and I have very little to give anymore. He takes and takes and takes and lately gives nothing back in return except self loathing, disappointment and ridicule. And now apparently I fuck up the loads. So from now on he can do it. I am sick to death of being blamed for bad things happening when I am trying my best! If it isn't good enough for him then I'm not the one he should be with. There's only so much I can do with out getting anything in return.
I just lay there last night for at least an hour, instead of sleeping. I couldn't fall asleep. Ever sense that really big fight, I have felt... different. Hazy, alone and indifferent to everything. Things that didn't irritate me in the beginning do now. The things that did are even worse now... I'm no longer happy and I don't know if it can be fixed this time. This shit has made my emotions foreign to me. Sometimes I feel such rage all I want to do is hit something till my hands bleed. Or I feel so disgusted with myself that I just want to run away from myself. Or I want to pull my hair out because it's so frustrating trying to get the best out of a bad situation that just keeps getting worse. I am at my wits end. I don't know what else to do. The only time Master acts like the dominate is when it's convenient for him. We arn't Master and slave... Were top and bottom. Terms only used for sexual partners that participate in scenes only. I don't think I will ever be the slave I know I am ment to be, that I can be. I will never reach my full potential, not like this. I would rather have a normal relationship then feel what I feel 98% of the time. That's just a fact. I'm at the point where I'm ready to take my collar off. All it is is decoration anyway.
Online it was more Domination and Submission, more power exchange then it is here and now. That's the sad part. I am starting to think that that's the only way he can express that side of him. No that's a lie, I've been thinking that for a while now. I just have refused to voice it... Until now. I have voiced my feelings, issues and concerns and they get glossed over. I get told "things will change..." when they never do. I stopped beleiveing that phrase a while ago. I've gotten it So many times, it's become redundant. I've written this all before, either here or my paper journal. I am going now.

*What ever I am to Him...