Yesterday I was at the point where I wanted nothing to do with this lifestyle.. I didn't want to be a slave anymore. And I definitely did not want my collar. A part of me this morning still doesn't want this.. I am afraid that if I continue down this path that I am going to loose me... I worked very hard to find my inner self. And now the girl I was a year ago isn't the girl I am now. But Master won't let me quit... He "knows" who I am and what I want better then I do it would seem. So I am still collared... I am still His slave... And I am still a bit unhappy...
(the writing below is a section of my Paper Journal... I figured it fit this topic so here it is)
April 15Th
I was in a rather decient mood this Morning until I asked Master if He would like to come with me to the bathroom. I have a hard time walking out and about alone. You could say it's not trusting the human race to be decient people and leave me alone. Or You could say it has to do with the constant stares I get because of my collar. Both would be correct. But this time He acted like it was a huge burden and inconvenience. I guess from now I will have to learn to deal with the looks, hushed voices when I walk into a room on my own, wouldn't want to inconvenience the Master, now would we?? But He has made it crystal clear my wants are not what it is about... After telling me I wake up like a bitch three different times He slammed the computer, pads of paper and Qualcom around. Then He procceeded to wave the Qaulcom inches from my face while yelling "Shut your god damn mouth while I am working...". All I did was ask the rate for the load He was looking up.. I was in the bathroom so wasn't around when He got it. This is what happens when I get curious, and He wants to know why I never ask questions anymore... Prime example right here. This time I have learned my lesson, plus a few other things... I wont speak, ask questions or try to joke while He is working.
In order to be His I have to stop being me. It's not about my wants or needs, basic or otherwise. All my quirks that use to be cute are now met with anger and harsh corrections. This right here is why I have already made the changes you see now. But that isn't enough. Now no more talking while he is working (which is all day, if He isn't driving He is talking to the shipper/recieving people, planning a load/route or getting fuel) no more questions... Period. No more playful defiance. From now on I am His slave/bitch and he is my Master. He can do whatever He wants. I will never question Him or tell Him my thoughts if they arn't asked for. If He wants my oppinion He will have to ask for it. Afther all I'm just the slave, bitch and passenger. It's time I acted like it. If He doesn't like something about me I will have to change it. No more attitude. Just "Yes, Master..."
You can consider me firmly put in my place. So Thank You Master. Your bitch will do better...
April 15Th Continued
How can I be a slave when I don't feel submissive towards Him? Or submissive at all for that matter. I don't think I can with out forcing myself to ignore my true feelings that are throwing red flags in the air. I am afraid He is going to change me so much I will loose who I am... Or was. I liked the playful spunky innocent girl that had to know everything about every subject. Now all I want to know about is B.D.S.M because maybe in collecting all there is to know about it I will once again please my Master.. Because everything that I do doesn't work. It has all but backfired. I am quiet and reserved. I don't play around nearly as much as I use to. And I don't really have any ambitions other then please Him. So my life revolves around Him and I am failing at it horribly... I don't know what to do....
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