Umm.. Where am I and who are you??

This week has been extremely hectic and scattered. There has been so much going on that at times I have forgotten who I even was. At one point I forgot where we were and that is usually what Master does. We have been in seven states. I know I am probably missing some. We have picked up one load then delivered it to get back in the truck to drive to where we pick up ANOTHER load. It is becoming harder and harder to balance this business and our Lifestyle.

These last two or three days have been extremely hard on me. I have had one emotion after the other and some of them are new. I don't know about you but new emotions are hard for me to get through. I have to process everything on my own time, and sometimes that is a rather lengthly process. My Master has a hard time accepting that things don't happen at a drop of a hat with me. Beleive me I wish they did. It would make my life Sooo much easier. I wish I could analize things correctly and in a timely manner. But my mind wont stop thinking about things until I have reached the end of the subject in my head.

Yesterday I was having such an off day. The internet wasn't working, my brain was so pre-occupied that I wasn't paying that much attention to Master. I wasn't talking to B as much as I usually do to. I think the realization that I am removing myself from the situation with B and Master made me extremely cautious. Until now I haven't been giving Master the freedom (I know bad word but it's all I got) of doing things His way. I have been fighting him tooth and nail on that. Only real good thing about yesterday was that I did my steps that morning. All of them in the order they were suppose to be done the last three/four months.

When I went in to take a shower I was getting back on the right track. Until I closed the door and realized I didn't have any conditioner and my shaver was on the fritz. My hair has to have conditioner when I wash it or it will get so tangled I will end up breaking my brush when I even try to do it. And it was a Venus Razor. It should of lasted a lot longer. And I had a sort of mental break down in the shower... Well, during it I should say. I was crying through out the whole thing. I know it sounds kind of stupid, and it was. But everything just bubbled up to the surface at once, and that was the timing. It was an accumilation of being in the whole for months after months, going back to cheap razors that cut every swipe, not being smooth for my Master, not having back up loads for the weekend and just the stress of day to day living. I couldn't of controlled it if I wanted to...
Only horrible thing was I accidentally left my collar in the Loves truck stop. Once your out of there, they try and clean it as fast as possible so another body can get in it. They also just have a tendancy to throw things away when they are left behind. So Master ran as fast as he could to go see if it was still there... Thankfully it was. I was so worried about that. I honestly wasn't even thinking as I was leaving the shower. I just wanted to get out of there and into Master's comforting arms as soon as humanly possible. I was still wet, and if my head wasn't attached I would of left it too.
After a while once we were done eating and watching a Movie (Eragon: wasnt as good as the books, not even by half!) Master had me do a punishment writing. I hate to write something that is given to me. I like to free write the best and I had horrible writers block on the subject. I was suppose to write the importance of my collar, what it means to me, what it's suppose to mean and why I will never leave it behind again. Which made me feel Horrible. Looking back on it I over reacted. I should of just done the punishment, learned from it and moved on. But I didn't. I dwelled on it because for a split second I didn't know if I was going to get it back or not. It brought into light that even though at times being a slave is hard... and unfair at times. It is still who and what I am. I need my collar more then I need my wedding ring. Now I'm not saying I don't want to marry Master, because it's quite the opposite. I just feel that the fiance/wifey things come second to the slave duties and personality.
For a little while I was starting to question if I really wanted to be a slave in this lifestyle anymore. Whether it was all worth some of the negative feelings that I sometimes feel when Master does certain things that I don't like or agree with. But this circumstance has brought to light the fact that it is all still very worth it. That no matter what I do or wear I will still always be a slave at heart. That even though Master is still hessitating due to fear of hurting me or letting out his... assish tendancies, He is still Master. I had forgotten that for a while. Just because Master isn't acting like a uber-dom doesn't mean I should treat him with the disrespect I have been giving him. So what if he likes to play around? It could be worse after all. Funny how you have lightbulb moments at the weirdest times... *shrugs*

This week has been extremely hectic and scattered. There has been so much going on that at times I have forgotten who I even was. At one point I forgot where we were and that is usually what Master does. We have been in seven states. I know I am probably missing some. We have picked up one load then delivered it to get back in the truck to drive to where we pick up ANOTHER load. It is becoming harder and harder to balance this business and our Lifestyle.
These last two or three days have been extremely hard on me. I have had one emotion after the other and some of them are new. I don't know about you but new emotions are hard for me to get through. I have to process everything on my own time, and sometimes that is a rather lengthly process. My Master has a hard time accepting that things don't happen at a drop of a hat with me. Beleive me I wish they did. It would make my life Sooo much easier. I wish I could analize things correctly and in a timely manner. But my mind wont stop thinking about things until I have reached the end of the subject in my head.

Yesterday I was having such an off day. The internet wasn't working, my brain was so pre-occupied that I wasn't paying that much attention to Master. I wasn't talking to B as much as I usually do to. I think the realization that I am removing myself from the situation with B and Master made me extremely cautious. Until now I haven't been giving Master the freedom (I know bad word but it's all I got) of doing things His way. I have been fighting him tooth and nail on that. Only real good thing about yesterday was that I did my steps that morning. All of them in the order they were suppose to be done the last three/four months.

When I went in to take a shower I was getting back on the right track. Until I closed the door and realized I didn't have any conditioner and my shaver was on the fritz. My hair has to have conditioner when I wash it or it will get so tangled I will end up breaking my brush when I even try to do it. And it was a Venus Razor. It should of lasted a lot longer. And I had a sort of mental break down in the shower... Well, during it I should say. I was crying through out the whole thing. I know it sounds kind of stupid, and it was. But everything just bubbled up to the surface at once, and that was the timing. It was an accumilation of being in the whole for months after months, going back to cheap razors that cut every swipe, not being smooth for my Master, not having back up loads for the weekend and just the stress of day to day living. I couldn't of controlled it if I wanted to...
Only horrible thing was I accidentally left my collar in the Loves truck stop. Once your out of there, they try and clean it as fast as possible so another body can get in it. They also just have a tendancy to throw things away when they are left behind. So Master ran as fast as he could to go see if it was still there... Thankfully it was. I was so worried about that. I honestly wasn't even thinking as I was leaving the shower. I just wanted to get out of there and into Master's comforting arms as soon as humanly possible. I was still wet, and if my head wasn't attached I would of left it too.
After a while once we were done eating and watching a Movie (Eragon: wasnt as good as the books, not even by half!) Master had me do a punishment writing. I hate to write something that is given to me. I like to free write the best and I had horrible writers block on the subject. I was suppose to write the importance of my collar, what it means to me, what it's suppose to mean and why I will never leave it behind again. Which made me feel Horrible. Looking back on it I over reacted. I should of just done the punishment, learned from it and moved on. But I didn't. I dwelled on it because for a split second I didn't know if I was going to get it back or not. It brought into light that even though at times being a slave is hard... and unfair at times. It is still who and what I am. I need my collar more then I need my wedding ring. Now I'm not saying I don't want to marry Master, because it's quite the opposite. I just feel that the fiance/wifey things come second to the slave duties and personality.
For a little while I was starting to question if I really wanted to be a slave in this lifestyle anymore. Whether it was all worth some of the negative feelings that I sometimes feel when Master does certain things that I don't like or agree with. But this circumstance has brought to light the fact that it is all still very worth it. That no matter what I do or wear I will still always be a slave at heart. That even though Master is still hessitating due to fear of hurting me or letting out his... assish tendancies, He is still Master. I had forgotten that for a while. Just because Master isn't acting like a uber-dom doesn't mean I should treat him with the disrespect I have been giving him. So what if he likes to play around? It could be worse after all. Funny how you have lightbulb moments at the weirdest times... *shrugs*

(photocredit to:This week has been extremely hectic and scattered. There has been so much going on that at times I have forgotten who I even was. At one point I forgot where we were and that is usually what Master does. We have been in seven states. I know I am probably missing some. We have picked up one load then delivered it to get back in the truck to drive to where we pick up ANOTHER load. It is becoming harder and harder to balance this business and our Lifestyle.

These last two or three days have been extremely hard on me. I have had one emotion after the other and some of them are new. I don't know about you but new emotions are hard for me to get through. I have to process everything on my own time, and sometimes that is a rather lengthly process. My Master has a hard time accepting that things don't happen at a drop of a hat with me. Beleive me I wish they did. It would make my life Sooo much easier. I wish I could analize things correctly and in a timely manner. But my mind wont stop thinking about things until I have reached the end of the subject in my head.

Yesterday I was having such an off day. The internet wasn't working, my brain was so pre-occupied that I wasn't paying that much attention to Master. I wasn't talking to B as much as I usually do to. I think the realization that I am removing myself from the situation with B and Master made me extremely cautious. Until now I haven't been giving Master the freedom (I know bad word but it's all I got) of doing things His way. I have been fighting him tooth and nail on that. Only real good thing about yesterday was that I did my steps that morning. All of them in the order they were suppose to be done the last three/four months.

When I went in to take a shower I was getting back on the right track. Until I closed the door and realized I didn't have any conditioner and my shaver was on the fritz. My hair has to have conditioner when I wash it or it will get so tangled I will end up breaking my brush when I even try to do it. And it was a Venus Razor. It should of lasted a lot longer. And I had a sort of mental break down in the shower... Well, during it I should say. I was crying through out the whole thing. I know it sounds kind of stupid, and it was. But everything just bubbled up to the surface at once, and that was the timing. It was an accumilation of being in the whole for months after months, going back to cheap razors that cut every swipe, not being smooth for my Master, not having back up loads for the weekend and just the stress of day to day living. I couldn't of controlled it if I wanted to...
Only horrible thing was I accidentally left my collar in the Loves truck stop. Once your out of there, they try and clean it as fast as possible so another body can get in it. They also just have a tendancy to throw things away when they are left behind. So Master ran as fast as he could to go see if it was still there... Thankfully it was. I was so worried about that. I honestly wasn't even thinking as I was leaving the shower. I just wanted to get out of there and into Master's comforting arms as soon as humanly possible. I was still wet, and if my head wasn't attached I would of left it too.
After a while once we were done eating and watching a Movie (Eragon: wasnt as good as the books, not even by half!) Master had me do a punishment writing. I hate to write something that is given to me. I like to free write the best and I had horrible writers block on the subject. I was suppose to write the importance of my collar, what it means to me, what it's suppose to mean and why I will never leave it behind again. Which made me feel Horrible. Looking back on it I over reacted. I should of just done the punishment, learned from it and moved on. But I didn't. I dwelled on it because for a split second I didn't know if I was going to get it back or not. It brought into light that even though at times being a slave is hard... and unfair at times. It is still who and what I am. I need my collar more then I need my wedding ring. Now I'm not saying I don't want to marry Master, because it's quite the opposite. I just feel that the fiance/wifey things come second to the slave duties and personality.
For a little while I was starting to question if I really wanted to be a slave in this lifestyle anymore. Whether it was all worth some of the negative feelings that I sometimes feel when Master does certain things that I don't like or agree with. But this circumstance has brought to light the fact that it is all still very worth it. That no matter what I do or wear I will still always be a slave at heart. That even though Master is still hessitating due to fear of hurting me or letting out his... assish tendancies, He is still Master. I had forgotten that for a while. Just because Master isn't acting like a uber-dom doesn't mean I should treat him with the disrespect I have been giving him. So what if he likes to play around? It could be worse after all. Funny how you have lightbulb moments at the weirdest times... *shrugs*