A new way of thinking

Master and I talked last night about my last two posts. Apparently He didn't know exactly how I felt about the way He has been treating me. I have always had a hard time on talking about my feelings with anyone and working through them. Especially with people I very much care about. It's hard for me to explain my feelings and thoughts correctly with actual words coming out of my mouth, but you give me a pen and paper or key board and I can write every feeling down precisely, thoroughly, and swiftly. I don't know why that is for me, but I am trying to work on it with Master. Last night, I hope, it finally got through to Him what I was feeling and why. He also explained why He was avoiding plunging me into the pool of B.D.S.M right away.

Like I said previously, when I came to Him I was very much broken and so He had to fix the damage done before He could do anything that would give us pleasure or happiness in the lifestyle.

He asked me, "How would it of felt if I plunged you into this when everything you had to go through was still so fresh in your mind?"

... I had never thought about that; Nor had I fully grasped what He was talking about when He had said that before, not exactly that of course but it was along those lines. He use to tell me that the reason/excuse/cop-out for His hesitation was because of my past and He didn't want to bring that fear back into my eyes while I looked at Him. What He failed to realize is that He has already helped me so much in my healing. He gave me a way to not only get over my fear of the person, (Have to compromise with Master about this, I was told not to say "his name", but it helps so until permission is granted this is all I can give.) but test my limits, push the ones I have out of the water, and then create new. In a word He gave me a way to help me grow and learn and get over my fears all in one setting... But then He took that away with His hesitation.

Things finally clicked last night and He said He would do better, be better and give us what we Both need. There was a seriousness about Him last night that gives me hope that He is actually going to do it this time. This morning I went through the steps that I have to do in the mornings. Those are:

1. Before getting out of bed ask Master to get up
2. Ask Master to get dressed, then depending on His answer get dressed.
3. Kneel between the seats next to Master and ask to get into my chair.
4. Ask to go to the bathroom*

*When I really have to use the bathroom Master understands that sometimes that has to go before step 3. And unfortunately this morning was one of those, I could barely hold it to do steps 1 and 2. So when I get back in the truck from going to the bathroom I am to then kneel beside Him and ask to sit in my seat. When I did that I was granted permission and when I sat down Master said, "Well done."! *Squeals* I have been waiting for those words for a while and now that I have them, I want to do exactly what I did this morning again and again and again!! For me positive re-enforcement is the best thing because it makes me want to accomplish not only that one thing again but something else. It's a greater motivation then the thought of a punishment if I were not to do something. I have always been that way. Probably because growing up I use to get in so much trouble for stupid petty shit by my aunt and uncle, (who I lived with from age 9-13 or 14.. Will explain that later, maybe) so I started to become use to punishments. The rewards were far and few between; Sometimes I had to actually haggle for them so they lost their appeal. For Master though, He views it as a non-event and does not reward non-events. But is it truly a non-event when it has not been done before and therefor is not routine?? That's something I am genuinely curious about. So I have to inform Master (maybe push is the better word) that punishments, unless they are severe wont really work on me. But He is less certain on that fact then I am. *shrugs* So we will experiment with this and see what works better.

Master's theory: 3 pronged beings

In the light of the new day, I feel I have to explain myself a bit more on the last post I did...

One of the things that I have learned from my Master is that I am a three pronged person.

1. Anna: The part of my personality that is the domestic, i.e- the one that makes the bed, does the dishes and makes dinner.
2. Lil'One: The part of my personality that is very playful, curious and a bit feisty.
   
3. Slave: And last but not least, the part of me that craves to have the control taken from me so I am free to feel. I don't have to think when I am under my Master's hand.

The last post I did was my submissive side being unhappy with my/our current situation. It's not that I'm completely unhappy. Because that is the farthest thing from the truth. But when it comes to our relationship in B.D.S.M it is a bit lacking. I love the times when Master and I are joking around, having a fantastic time just being us. No stress or pressure about where we are going to be tomorrow night, how many miles we have this week or the fact that we are currently still in the hole. And that part of my personality as I stated above is Lil'one. Under Master she is flourishing, growing every day and become more sure of herself. But in order for Master to put that much time and care into that part of my personality other things were pushed back to the back burner of the stove of our lives. Unfortunately that part was the part that needs the most attention because it is so newly found. I understand that He had to do so much fixing when I first came to Him because of my past. I was broken and He wants to fix it. Has to fix it in order to move on to other things or areas of our life. But cant He do that while being my Master? Cant He do that at the same time as He guides me down the path of my own submission?? That is the problem that we are having right now.

I am perfectly happy with Master in the aspect of lilone and Anna. But the part of myself that I wrote about in the last blog was my submissive side. She is not happy. That part of me is being neglected severely in order to fix everything else. But in my oppinion that isn't fixing anything at all. I think in order to fix myself I have to be all three at the same time, that way nothing becomes neglected. Everything would be ballenced the way it should be. No working on this part or that part. When He does that, He is stretching me so thin that I am about to break. I'm not so sure He knows just how close to my breaking point I am.

A part of a song really spoke to me, suprisingly so because I don't like the singer/band.

Lady Antebellum : American Honey

"Trying to be everything at once will make you crazy..."

This is exactly true. Although it battles with Master's theory that we are a three pronged being I still feel that both are correct. Even though we are a three pronged being, we can do all three at the same time. Everyone has multiple parts of their personality that makes them who they are. If you just concentrate on one of them you find yourself being more and more unhappy because all your needs arn't being fixed or met. That is the true problem with Master's theory; Although it is a very good one and I agree with it to a certain point, but the problem with it is that you are now able to pick and choose who you are at that particular moment instead of being yourself completely. But then again it also helps you. Now you can pick when to be submissive, when to be more playfull or when to just stick to the task at hand and get it done then worry about other things. Which is also a very good thing unless you start to dwell on only one persona. Like the quote above says... Trying to be everything at once will infact make you crazy and stressed. You will become emotionally unstable just like I myself am right now. *shrugs* Who knows, maybe I am way wrong on this. All I do know is that what we are doing now is in fact NOT working. Hopefully we will find a better system where every part of who I am is taken care of and All the holes will become mended with the tender care of my Master.

On a different note... I think this new "Pilot Program" that Master is now on is going to work perfectly. I have a really good feeling about it. His new FM (Fleet Manager) did what Dorris could not do in two weeks in exactly two hours. We have back to back loads. We deliver one in Alabama today in, I'm guessing an hour or two, then tomorrow we pick another one up that goes to Illinois that delivers on monday. It's extremely boring for me having to drive all day to stay on schedule and be on time for this delivery and the next ones pick up. But it will give us the miles and money that we need to get out of the hole plus some!! YAY! That just means one step closer to finding a house/apartment and then getting His daughter in His custody.

We are at our exit, so I have to help navigate. I will post more when I can
*Scurries off to help Master*

A slave's Mask

When I first talked to Master about becoming His slave, about moving in with Him. I was told what to expect as His slave. He instructed me that the first month would be a test of my willingness to submit to Him and my willingness to forgo all of my safeguards I had built around myself to stay safe. My barriers that were making it hard for Master to completely get inside my head and heart. He told me I would be taken as His property and marked in a manner He dreamed worthy of the occasion. That I would get my collar and the test would start....
When we had our first scene together, Master had to discipline me because I looked around the room with out authorization. I was told to look down at a point on the bed and did the exact opposite. All He had to do was give me a good few smacks on my exposed butt and scold me for me to learn my lesson. It was the most humiliated feeling I had felt. Then He took His belt off (It was extremely stiff and needless to say I was happy to see it go when it did!) and gave me 2 or 3 swats on my butt with it. The last one was, and still is, the hardest hit I have gotten from Master. It produced a welt/bruise 4" long and 2-3" wide across my right butt cheek. I was crying so hard at the time that snot was running down my nose. At the time I was in this lifestyle for exactly a week and a half, and did not expect that hard of a hit, nor was my body or mind ready for it. A part of me feared that Master wouldn't stop. That He would just continue... An irrational fear yes, because my Master is VERY strict about safe words in a scene. If I feel the least bit panicked or it's to painful to continue, I must use the word or gesture.

Sadly sense then He has not used me that way again. I have not been punished for my disrespect when I got lippy, when I missed a step in the morning rituals, or when I missed the whole thing all together, when I don't make the bed. Nothing. I am basically allowed to run free, but with the title of slave and collar around my neck. Sometimes I feel like such a fraud it's not even funny. I have pressed Him to punish me, to use me, mark me as His property. Fully and completely. But He just will not do it and it has caused problems in our relationship. Sometimes to the point where we are fighting for days at a time... Until I have to walk away from Him for an extended amount of time just to calm myself and get me to stop crying. Sometimes I think I am the only one in this relationship that truelly wants to be in this lifestyle.

For a long while I have known that something was missing in my life, that unfulfilled dreams and needs were there. I have always wanted to please the people I care for. I have crawled to a corner when conflict becomes to much for me to bear. I even tried a relationship before Master that ended in a disaster. He claimed to be a Master and that he had what I needed... All he gave me was bruises, broken bones and emotional scarring. And so when I found Master. He was the Polar opposite. He was kind, caring and listened to my concerns. He was my shoulder and my rock which I depended on fully to get through the day at times. When I came to Master I was broken. He started to put all the scattered pieces of my heart and soul back together again...
Then things started to change. He would snap at me and talk to me like an inferior being. I know I am a slave, I'm not saying it isn't His right to do that, but the way he did it was far beyond just treating me as an object. At one point in time He started to make me feel stupid and a disgrace to what I claim to be. The later I still feel sometimes. All the qualities He liked and adored when we first met, He started to snap at me for. I use to be soo curious about the things around me to the point I couldn't control myself. You give me something and tell me to study it I will do exactly that and hand it back to you and give you a full report. Probably more then you actually wanted to know. But when I started asking Him questions about where we were going for the load, or the information I need in order to do the miles, I was getting snapped at. Until one day He told me, "Stop being so damn curious and give me five minutes to relax. Jeez!"... Needless to say I was crushed. I had finally done it, Master started to become annoyed and despised something that He use to love. Well from that day on, I haven't been half as curious about things. I only want to please my Master, I desperately crave to do just that. But my personality lately has made it practically impossible. I use to be real playful, joking a lot. Sometimes a bit sarcastically and Master took it a couple of times as back talk... So I don't play around unless He starts it. And only to a certain point because That also started to anger Him to the point of a snap pointed in my direction. Plus many other things.

It's gotten so bad that I will do Exactly what I am told to, and I get snapped for doing that! I'm at a cross roads and I don't know what to do anymore. All I have ever wanted to do was be pleasing to Him. Be the pest possible slave for Him. And I am failing. It's like I am wearing a mask just to do what my personality, me, would have done a little under a year ago. Have we really changed so much that I am no longer the right slave for Him? Should I just stick to being His girlfriend or fiance? I honestly don't know anymore. I cant keep walking around desperately wanting to fulfill that part of myself when it will never happen. It's to much of a let down and disappointment to be told that it WILL happen and it never actually does. With that comes a set of new problems... What will happen with Master then? Will He decide that if I won't be His slave, then I won't be anything to Him at all?
I just want Him to take me! Make me His property, Mark me, use me in any way He wants... I have mentioned this to Him before, but I get the same answer. I fear that the only way for Him to get the gravity of the situation is for me to hand Him my collar... Hopefully not forever. Just until He can be the Master I need Him to be, the Master HE needs Him to be. I honestly don't know what to do or think anymore... Maybe that jolt will make Him realize I am not happy in the position I am in, or lack there of. *shrugs* I have to think
.

(photo credit- brothersoft.com)

Magic Tears and Butt head Masters

Master and I are sitting at the reciever waiting to be unloaded. He woke me up at 8:00 Am because He wanted to get this load delivered early so we might have a chance to get out of Dallas either today or tomorrow. We have been sitting here sense Friday. Master much perfers if we get delivered, then get another one comming right back out of the same city. Lately though that hasn't been happening. In the trucking buisness more miles equals more money. Lately we haven't been doing very little miles because either Freight (all your goodies. We deliver anything from rolls of paper that your TP gets made out of, to Bottled water, to supplies for staples) is very slow, or His Fleet Manager is lazy. My guess, sense she is a total bitch and hasn't gotten along with Master sense day 1, is she is just lazy and won't fight to get us a load. I understand it's not her job to get us the load. Basically she is in charge of payroll and home time... We haven't had a paycheck decient enough for her to bother for quite a while, and she doesn't get us home when He puts in for it. So she is rather useless. What she CAN do though, is pester the planners that are in charge of the loads, their destination and so on and so forth. But she wont do that. So this is the second week she has landed our unhappy butts in Dallas. Which takes forever to get out of on an Extremely busy time of the year(christmas). Master finally had enough of her crapola yesterday and went around her like He is wont to do. He doesn't like taking orders from anyone. Especially her. So He called up someone else and got this local in hopes it would put us in a better possition to get out of here. I really hope it works. There's only so much you can take of being stuck in the Dallas Yard when you just want to scream and break free like a loco escaped convict. *giggles* And beleive you me I am there!!

Only up side tomorrow, Master starts on this thing called the "Pilot program". He will officially be off our current Fleet Managers list and on some guy named Marks list. He also gets to go online and pick His own freight. So there's a very BIG possibility that we will be rolling constantly. As the passenger I can only take so much driving at a time. He is legally allowed to drive 10 hours a day with 4 hours put in for off-duty or non-driving time. Then He HAS to stop wherever we are at and take His 10 hour break. It's the Federal law for truck drivers. Kinda sucks for me. But I will have to grit my teeth and not complain, because at least with this there's a possibility of making around 6-8 hundred dollars a week. *SQUEALS EXCITEDLY* This has the potential to be a blessing in disguise. That's how I have to look at it anyway.

On another note. Master and I have been doing rather well yesterday and today. The other day He was acting like a complete ass until we got back to the truck and He noticed me crying. He of course turned back into His normal caring self and asked me what was wrong. When I explained to Him that His actions today made me feel pathetic and I didn't know what caused Him to be this way. He apologized right away and we talked for a good 2 hours on how things could be different if he just told me what was wrong when it happened. Mind reader I aint! And we also talked about how He hasn't been using me to my full capasity lately because He's afraid that in doing so I will become hurt and start to dislike Him. (He said the "hate" word. But I refuse to say that word in the same scentance with Him. *sticks tounge out at Master*) But when I explained to Him that His holding out hurts worse, because I cant reach my full potential when He does, I think it sank in finally. Because I am 100% happy to report that, so far, He has done exactly what He said He would. I feel more owned, restricted and submissive. All of which are extremely good things for me. I like it when my Master is rather strict with the rules. That way I know where I can go and cant go. If that makes any sense to any of you...

What I don't get is how Master's can be evil little butt heads one minute, but then they see their property cry or upset and they get all mushey again.. I mean what is up with that?!? Maybe there's a chemical in tears that makes men revert and repent. If there is then we should Bottle that chemical and ship it off to be mass produced!! So every woman, daughter, sister, mother, and slave can have a vial of "Tear serum" ready so when they do act all "Grrr.. I'm Master so... GRRR"... You can open that up and slip it into his oh say morning pepsi. And Presto!!! Instant apology. Or at least sympathy depending on the Man. *shrugs* So theres a few kinks in the plan... Anyone got a hammer??

Thoughts of Failure

Today has been somewhat trying. For some reason Master has been way off. I get why I was off and yes it's a bit og an excuse. But I started my, very icky, period two days ago. And during this time I get really hormonal. So things tend to drive me nuts. When I say nuts I mean NUTS! Everythings irritating more then usual. *Shrugs* But that doesn't have anything to do with Master or why he has been yelling at me off and on all morning. I try asking him what is wrong and he just fires the question back at me. Even though he knows the answer.

Plus last night I had this bad dream and he threw that at me as well. It's like nothing I do at times helps. The reason I got yelled at was because I told Master that supplies were low and we would not make it out of WalMart under 45$ like he wanted. And as it turns out I was right. It ended up being around 60$. But it was me "Bitching" about it. And that I need only tell him the one time, even though not two weeks ago he told me the opposite. That I have to remind him or he will forget. See the problem I have? One minute it's "Do this.." and the next I get yelled at for doing EXACTLY that. I have been trying sooo hard to be the best slave that I can be. But it's just not working. I do what I'm told in a timely fashion. Yet it never works. Everything he has said Don't do, I haven't. So in a way I am doing everything he wants me to. Maybe thats just never enough. Does anyone see my dilema? I am about ready to yell HELP!!!! But what is that going to accomplish? I will just get in trouble for that as well.

I'm going to have to think this over and figure it out, because I cant keep getting yelled at every day. I will shatter or fall apart.

A new beginning

Things have been going extremely well as of late. Master and I have been all but perfect. I have been 100% submissive towards Him. Lately I am somewhat feisty and at times cantankerous. But he told me that He wanted me to stop. At first it was a bit of a shock. But to be honest, I have been testing Him. In hopes that He will put me squarely in my place. *shrugs innocently* I have always tested the boundaries to make sure they are firmly there. In a sense I need to know that He can be my Master fully. I am happy to report that He is more the Master then I ever thought He could be. For a while there He was holding back. Trying to acclimate me to my new life, because this is my first B.D.S.M relationship. A few nights ago though, He decided that that night would be the end of His hessitation.

During the day while He was driving. I told Him about a fantasy that I had of Him giving me an extreme beating. He was surprised about that. I think He thought that I was not ready for that. But I knew in my hearts of hearts that I was.
Well, after talking about it for a bit, Master informed me that we would in fact be having one of those in our scene that night. I was full of glee and also apprehension. I didn't know quite what to expect. But I knew that this was something that I needed. That we needed to get out of the funk that we were in for soooooo long. Call it a slaves intuition I guess. *shrugs*

Anyway, So once we got parked and dinner was taken care off. Master had me strip and kneel on the bed with my ass up and towards Him. This wasn't the first time He had me in this position. But to be honest it is the first time that I was a bit... Hesitant myself. Which is rare for me. When I know what I want I tend to jump right in to get to it. He proceeded to give me a lot of really hard smacks on my rump with His hand. Then traded His sore hand for His belt. After seven extremely hard smacks I knew that Master would not hold anything back in this scene. And for the first time that I was going to be completely taken by Him. He told me firmly to sit up so He could put clothes pins all over and around my nipples. Those nasty buggers haven't been used in a while, so my nipples were extremely tender. The ones Master uses have a lot of pressure to them. By this time I was already crying. But I didn't care. I needed to take everything that my Master was going to give. In a way to prove to myself that I could. And because I knew this time meant something. That this time was more special then any of the others. My Master was FINALLY showing His sadistic side. I could not of been happier at that very moment. I was flying in sub-space that I didn't care what the next strike was used with. Or where it landed. Finally one of the strikes to my side made me yell out, "Stop, please no more..."
I think Master saw that I couldn't take anymore because He granted my plea and we went into the wind-down process that is so detriment to my climb back out of sub-space. I was shivering and shaking all over. He wrapped me into a blanket. And sat beside me and gathered me into His arms to give me some comfort after the ordeal that I went through.

Master told me after wards that He was very proud of me. Those words made my heart soar. I live to hear those slip from His lips. It's the ultimate praise to my submissive heart. I think the scene really helped us grow as Master and slave. I have been more in tune with what He, as my Master, wants. And I would like to think that He is more in tune with my submissive soul after that. *smiles*

Well it's time for me to go. I will catch up with you all at a later date.
*slips away to His side*

Dashed hopes

*sighs*

So much for what I was thinking would happen when Master and I came to this Hotel. I don't know how many times he tells me, "When we have the space..." or "There is not enough room...". It gets very frustrating to hear. Sense we are on the truck a lot and there isn't that much space; I half way understand not having any scenes in the truck. But when we have a perfectly acceptable Hotel for the day, and do nothing. That however I do not understand.

A couple of days ago Master and I talked about having Nightly spankings to get me under better control. But that has not happened but once. I especially need this because I am a bit wild and will try to push the boundaries and try to get away with just about anything. I need to know that I can be properly controlled. That if I get out of line my Master will put me firmly back. But lately that has not been happening. So I have been allowed to run around all willy-nilly. Master is now watching T.V, and when I asked if we were to do the nightly spanking. I got the answer I knew I would. Although to be honest I was hoping for a different one. I got a "Not tonight." These spankings, I have a feeling, are going to be rare and few in between just like everything else. I hate to say that about my Master but it's how I feel.

Master has been VERY hesitant in taking His control over me fully. I have been asking/pushing for Him to be more harsh and/or strict. But it's just not happening. I try really hard not to push, but no matter what I do, nothing happens. I have tried talking with Him. Being 100% submissive all day. I am about ready to lay out the toys/implements of my destruction. *purrs slightly at the thought* But I am deathly afraid of what He will do. Probably just put them back away. I am in desperate need of being Dominated that I am at my wits end of what to do. But I am also afraid of getting my hopes smashed/crushed again. Now this might very well be paranoia. And believe me I hope so, but if it's not, I don't know what to do. Only thing to do this late at night is, sadly, go to bed and hope for better results for the next time. Which could very well be three months from now. *sighs*

Hotel time

This morning Master decided that today we would take a day to just relax. So right now we are at Laredo, Texas in the Days Inn. Right now Master is watching the super bowl. I am just keeping an eye on it. I am hoping the Saints win. Master and I have an ongoing bet, and it'ts in my best interest to win. *giggles*

I think a little update is in order.
Master and I are doing a lot better. For the past couple of months our relationship and whole dynamic has been a bit patchy and rough. It has taken a while for us to get back on track. A couple of weeks ago there was a huge fight between Him and I. (what it was about is irrelivant) That was the turning point for us both. Right then and there I knew that at that moment I was capable of giving up because I felt I had nothing left to give to this relationship. And that frightened me like nothing else ever has. He means the world to me, the thought of being able to give up was lets just say wrong. I should not of been thinking like that. But I was. I was going through so much turmoil that that fight was my last straw. But I am happy to say that after a long, long talk with Master things were patched up. It took a while, but it was worth it. Things have been better then ever, altough I still think He could be a bit more... Strict.

*ugh* I am pushing again. I have a very hard time NOT pushing when it comes to His strictness. I just know what I want and for the longest time I couldn't reach it. Don't get me wrong, the lifestyle and dominance is all here. I just feel He could be more strict, and try and push His hand to be. I have been told countless times to stop doing that. That it isn't working. But I've tried everything else, I don't know what else to do. I have been wanting this lifestyle for a while. At first I didn't know what the craving/need was. But then I met my Master and He filled the holes. I know He's right and that I should not push this matter anymore. And I am trying very hard not to. We will see how long I can keep it up.

My eyes are getting tired so I am going to go curl up next to Master and watch the last of the game.

Possible new home??

(I picked this picture because right now.. that represents me perfectly!)

Just a little update on Master and I while I have the internet for a short time...

Master and I have decided on a area/town to live in. His daughter is having personal issues and it would be best for Him (and by extension) and me to live close by if she should need anything. Plus all of His close family is here so it would be best to live in Illinios. The only downfalls with this state is.. Winters' are going to be brutal. I use to live in the North West where we had virtually NO snow.. and here? Piles upon piles of the white stuff. *ugh* Plus the taxes are through the roof on EVERYTHING! We went to "White Castle" of dinner one night (For those of you that don't know what white castle is... It's like umm a mini version of Burger King. Sorta.) And it was labled at $17.99 before tax.. After it was $22 something.. Its freaking rediculious! But... Family is here and it is a bit closer to my family compared to Tennessee. So I guess it would be a good idea. Master and I are going to talk to the office of this building today. See what the process is for moving into this certain building. So we will see on that front *shrugs*


On a more personal note.. The friend that I thought well shunned me in fact did not, it was a computer clitch plus her moving and us being confined to finding Free WIFI when/if its available. So I am very releived about that. She has always been around for me to talk to and visa-versa. She's one of my best friends and its good to know that nothing that "HUGE" happened.

Master and I argued about that a few nights ago and now that argument was pointless. I wish that would have been figured out way sooner then that fight because that one was.... Bad! I couldn't control myself and neither could he. And sense then things have been on edge between us. He has went back to talking to me like a bloody child. Which I very much ditest when uh hello *waves aggressively* Obviously I am Not! But at times He obviously thinks so. It gets so frustrating. Sometimes I just want to scream or be alone to figure things out. I cant be talked to like that. It's belittling and mean and hurtful. Which sometimes I think is His whole reason for doing it. *shrugs* Who knows?? Don't get me wrong I love him and I know he loves me. I just don't get why he talks to me like this when I have asked him to stop SOO many times. Yesterday when we got to his daughters house I thought we were done with this type of talk. But then this morning one of the first things he says to me is in that "voice" or "mannerism". And so here I am. Writing this blog while I can. But for now I must go and get ready to go to the apartment office.

Denial of Pleasure

Well its the 11th, and I just woke up from an ok night. There were a few issues last night because everyone was exhausted and grumpy. And well lets just say not much has changed this morning. Only now Master says it is due to poor sleep last night.

In the truck there are two rather small bunks, and right now we are both sleeping on the bottom. And so I sleep by the wall and Master sleeps on the other side of the bed. He likes being on the edge by the door. Plus I tend to spread out a bit in my sleep. Not on purpose I don't even know I am doing it. But when I do Master gets squished into this desk thing that we have or falls half way off the bed. And lately I guess I have been pushing/spreading out more then usual. The only thing I can come up with for Him to get a good nights rest is me to sleep on the top bunk. But what does that say about this relationship? We cant even sleep comfortably together in the same bed anymore. It's like we are growing inadvertently apart from one another. When we sleep.

This Morning I woke up before Master did. Which is rare in and of itself. He's an early riser. Usually when I wake up first Master likes to be woken up with a Blow Job. And I love waking Him up that way. I feel happy and used in a very good way when I get to do that. So this morning I was rubbing/sucking His cock and He pushes my hand away, rolls over and says "No!". I was and am shocked, surprised and a bit hurt. This is the first time that He has denied me that privilege in the morning. I just stood there stunned for a moment. Then replied with a "Fine." and came up to the front to think things through. Which lead to a Journal entry and now this blog.

I mean last night we were off. He was cranky, I was hurt because of what He snapped at. But it got resolved before we went to bed. Or at least I thought it was. Heck maybe I was wrong about that too. I don't know. And then this morning I wake up all happy and in a good mood. Which for me is a big thing. I don't wake up well due to not being a morning person. I try to do something that usually makes Master feel good and happy when He wakes up. But that blew up in my face. And when Master did wake up He first woke up grumpy. And I get that He had a hard time sleeping. And I feel bad and guilty for causing Him His lack of sleep.

So to sum it up, right now I am feeling unwanted, hurt, ashamed, guilty and torn in two. I really want to talk to Him. But I have a feeling right now is the Best possible time to just leave Him alone. But hey! I could be way wrong. Won't be the first time and certainly won't be the last. I just wish I knew what was the Matter with Master. I know lack of sleep probably added to it. But what is the real route cause. But when I ask all I get is "I slept wrong" or "I'm fine". Or some equally generic answer like that. At times our communication is not what it should be. At times we don't talk about the important things bothering us. Then we blow up and expect the other person to magically understand why the blow up happened. I am not a mind reader, and neither is Him. I am at fault when it comes to this as well. But at least After Him asking a few times He gets the correct answer. When I ask more then once, I get yelled at because He does not like to repeat Himself. In situations like that What am I suppose to do? Because I don't have the answer.

Maybe it is that I am trying to hard to be His slave when it should come naturally. Its a part of my soul. Being a slave is who I am. Yet with Master lately I am just trying way to damn hard. I am always consciously thinking about whether it will please Him or make Him proud. And when I do that. It usually provokes the opposite responses from Him. I'm just... confused.

There has never been a problem with me being submissive in a scene. Or Him being Master in a scene. That is where Him and I are at the top of our "game". That is the best place/time we are ourselves. Its the day to day living that I am having such a Hard time with. I can not decide when to be submissive or just be Anna. When is it ok to joke and play around? Where is the line that takes joking to far? What happens when I cross that line? Because I have a tendency to do just that all the time. I don't know when certain things are acceptable and when they are not. I wish I did.

But Our day to day lives are not what I thought they would be when Master and I first embarked on this Journey in the D/s Lifestyle. Perhaps I am just expecting to much. I also have a tendency to do that as well. I have been waiting a long time to experience this life. To let my submissive soul soar in the freedom of slavery. But at times I feel like I am just.. looking at this lifestyle from the outside. Like I am standing outside on the street looking in through the glass window while everyone is participating in what I desperately need. Like instead of Being IN the lifestyle, I am just on the outskirts. I try really hard not to think this way. Or to even mention it, because what does all of this say about Master? It does not put Him in a very good light to be viewed.

I don't want to give you the wrong impression. Master is a VERY good Master and He is actually a very Kind one. But He is just.. Hesitating when it comes to taking Full control over me. I think He thinks that if He does take all the control and does do all that W/we need Him to do. That He will hurt me emotionally and I will then think of Him badly and perhaps leave Him. I Desperately wish He would not think like that. Because that is so far from the truth. I need Him to take the control that is rightfully His. Even in the small little things.... Like... When I get lippy. (Yes I get lippy. I still have some feelings/habits from when I was not a slave. they are being stubborn and not leaving *ugh*) If He feels that I am getting TO lippy He should correct me.

Yes I want to be corrected/punished. How else will I know what is acceptable or Not acceptable? Like I said before I am no mind reader. And How am I suppose to be the Best slave to/for Him when I don't know what I can or cant do? *shrugs* I wish I had all the answers. Because if I did, I would not have to write a blog like this. Who knows maybe one day I will have all the answers. After all we have only been together in this lifestyle for.. 6 months. *blinks* Its only been that long? wow.

So I am going to try and stop pushing things a certain way and start following instead of trying to lead. And see where that gets me. *nods*

Explicit Content

Yesterday Master and i had time, money and a naughty book store across the street. if you do not know me, i am one to spend A LOT of money at places like that. There are so many different things you can get that will allow Master to insert His control over me in more sufficient ways. And sense the last time we were in Laredo, Texas i have been wanting to get some things there.
But Master had other plans first. We got the internet and looked up a lot of different things. Like the largest house in the world. That monstrosity is over 2 million sq. Feet. Can you believe it!?! That thing is just... ridiculous to me. Then the smallest house in the world is 96 sq. feet. The complete other side of the spectrum. Master said He wouldn't be able to turn around to pee in the bathroom that's how small it was. lol. Master has... weird tastes when it comes to Google. He searches everything and anything that pops into His head. He told me one time "I know a lot of useless information, but if anyone ever asked I would be able to tell them the answer!" Which is a good philosophy to have i suppose.
After a while of searching up meaningless trivia He decided to look up Bondage scenes. i was jumping in my seat with excitement. (Inwardly of course) i always find it fascinating watching others participate in the lifestyle that i so love! We saw one with this Master and His girl doing intricate Japanese style rope bondage. Master has always wanted to learn how to do that. But me, i find myself hesitating at the edge of that pool. i am still afraid that something will go so wrong while i am tied up. And with Japanese rope bondage there is no easy out. Its so intricate and complicated. Its a work of art in and of itself. But because of that factor alone, i am willing to try it. And because Master has always wanted to do it, i don't want to be the slave that deprives Him of that pleasure.
Master stopped looking up things so We could go eat and watch a movie. The Dark Knight. Although it is the third time i have seen that movie. i am still fascinated with Heith Ledgers performance as the Joker. He was so Superb at it. Although as Master put it the only draw back was that he was not in the movie as much as either of us would have liked. May he rest in peace.
Once dinner was cleaned up and things were put away Master Finally led us to the Naughty Adult store. Master and i could not decide what to get. Would it be the cuffs that has a band around the waist? Or the ones that has a band around the thighs? Or the cuffs that Connect to each other? Or what about the gags.. Should it be the regular ball gag or the breathable ball gag? To many choices for a slave. i just could not for the life of me decide. Until We stumbled across a set of cuffs that were soft, easy to do and undo if a complication should arise. And they came with a free mask. So cuffs and mask?? i was sold as soon as i read the back of the lil' box. Then Master saw the breathable ball gag. Black rubber w/ black leather. It suited His needs and my mouth/head size perfectly. So we finally decided on those two products after a while looking. Once back to the truck Master had me try on all three.
Sense i have never had a ball gag on before i am assuming it fit right. Master had to put two holes in the leather in order for it to be tight. And the cuffs were Perfect. i could not wiggle out of them and the links connecting them didn't so much as budge when Master had me pull on them. i was so excited.
Once Master knew they would withstand whatever He was planning He had me get up from the bed and kneel on the floor while He got the ropes. Then i was to sit on the bed while Master tied me up. my legs were bound and my hands were behind my back with the rope around my shoulders, arms and crossing between and under my breasts. i was bound, gagged, and blindfolded. i was in heaven. He asked me if i trusted Him... completely. How was i to answer? i could not say "yes Master" with the gag in my mouth so i was instructed to nod yes or no. So i nodded yes. Because i trust him 100% with my life. Then it seemed like He was going to leave the truck because it got VERY quiet. my brain was in a state of panic until my ears picked up His faint breathing. i knew He was there but i could not see Him or feel His presence. Then i felt a couple of swats on my breasts. That stung bad. It felt like Master was smacking them with the flashlight that He has. Master likes me to sit up straight and when i slouched to pull away because of the excruciating pain i heard, "Sit up Straight!" in a firm, no arguments, voice. He had to repeat that because my mind was on getting away from the pain. But i could not, and so did as i was told. And got two more smacks on my breasts. After what only seemed like 5-7 minutes Master started to undo my binds. i was desperately hoping that He would have done the ball gag first. At that point my jaws were cramping up bad. But He started with my legs and then the upper ropes. then the mask and finally the gag. Don't get me wrong, i love the gag but its going to take some getting use to.
My first experience with the gag, blindfold and cuffs went extremely well. i was in a state of complete submission and vulnerability that i did not care what Master had in mind next if anything. i was just.... its hard to explain. Once we got back from the bathroom Master and i had my cool down period. i was so.. exposed and vulnerable i really needed that time with Master. i am so glad that all these emotions and experiences are being shared with Him.
Now all i have to do is stretch out my jaws so i can be in the gag longer then 10 minutes at a time. Plus stretch out all the other Muscles that i am now going to be using. i'm so excited about this new development in Master's ownership in me.

Well, Master and i are back in Laredo, Texas. This will be the third time this week alone that we keep ending up here. For all of you who haven't traveled down I-35 From San Antonio to Laredo let me tell you, it is rather dull. There is nothing out there but small almost dead looking trees, cactus and OH my personal favorite, Cattle Cattle and MORE Cattle. When Master drives for 10 hours and sometimes more, i need a bit of distraction in the scenery. And that road is null and void of scenery after your first trip down there!
Once you get here it is nothing but warehouse after warehouse as far as the eye can see. Then you get into some sections of the city and it is just empty lots that are going to eventually be built upon. (everyone knows that day will come, its just a matter of when)
Last time Master and i were here we had to do a load of laundry. And being on the truck has a tendency to put a stopper on mundane chores like that. It all depends on how expensive it is to do 1 load of laundry (yes you heard me right. Laundry depending on where you are can be 2 dollars to wash the clothes and then another 2 dollars to dry the clothes. Its a scandal and rather ridiculous if you ask me), how many machines they have. And when it comes to Laredo, how long they will have water pressure. They have a nasty little habit of loosing water pressure at the most in opportune times. Like for instance, while showering or doing laundry. While the clothes were in the washer and on the spin cycle, or just staring the spin cycle rather, Laredo decided to loose water pressure. There was a Foot of water on the bottom of the Washer just soaking the clothes! i had to wring them out so much my hands were rubbed raw. Thank goodness the clothes only needed one round in the dryer or that would have been an $8 laundry day!
From that day on this.... City is becoming my least favorite town and that is saying something. Geismar Louisiana is now the second. (that little story deserves its own blog so will further explain at a later date) Lets just say neither are very fun for the passenger on a Semi-Truck.

Laredo is horrid for a slave trying to do her duties. Sense i am on the truck my duties as they are are somewhat limmited because of the little space. i am to sweep and clean the floor everyday, because it can get extremely dirty when Master gets in and out several times a day. And His boots like to bring half of Texas with them. But here in Laredo, everywhere you look is dirt or garbage of some kind. How am i to sweep when as soon as Master gets out He brings it right back in? That particular duty is going to be an on going battle between myself and the dirt. But i am determined to win. Sense i am an extreme neat freak i HAVE to win that battle. The only easy duty i have out here is making the bed. There is nothing different between making the bed at home versus making the bed out here on the truck.
The only good thing about Laredo is there's a naughty store right across the street from the pilot. There are several things in there that are going to cause my imminate distruction. But in a most pleasing way. Hehe. And some... make me blush just thinking about it. And how Master is going to apply them. i personally can not wait to find out! The only thing i wish they had in stock was B.D.S.M books. They have the outfits, tools, and gear but alas no books. As you might of figured out by now, i am the type of slave that has to learn. i need to learn. Expecially with B.D.S.M. If you put anything in front of my face that is related to this lifestyle, i can sit there for hours and soak it all in. Master calls me "The proverbial spunge." But that is a good thing, is it not?
Any way, i have to go get a few things done. So untill next time

Just writing

Today is Monday, the 12th of October. For all of you that do not know us, here is a bit about myself and Master.
Master is a truck driver, who owns his own truck. Right now i am traveling with him where ever the loads take him. Right now it is Arkansas. A more boring state i do not know. i have been on the truck with Master for almost 5 months now. And i am finding it harder and harder to entertain myself while he drives for ten hours. i am thankful Master is not limiting my time on SIMS (my favorite computer game that is coming in handy for entertainment) or i am not sure what i would do, as i can't read while He is driving or i will get car sick. i am also very grateful that Master is not being that strict on the music choices while He drives. Lets say we have a "different" idea on what good music is. I personally perfer classical and country, while he prefers Classic rock. So He is letting me get my country fix in as long as He can get His Metallica fix in. (i probably butchered the spelling on that. Sorry if your a fan!) At first it was fantastic seeing all the sites of America. Each state bringing something new to the table. Either new sites, tastes and yes even smells. Sometimes even the people bring new things to my life. Although i do not talk to them much out here. Most are male and some are just way to shady for even Master to talk to. Although a few weeks back Master and i met this hitch-hiker who was a nice guy. If Master got a load through Mississippi W/we would have given him a ride. But alas we did not, we came to this blasted state instead.( For any of you that are from Arkansas, sorry no Disrespect towards you or your choice. But for me personally i can not wait until a pre-plan goes across Masters screen that takes us away from this state.)

One thing Master and i have been having a problem with as of late is.. How do we partake of our lifestyle in such a small space? The truck is rather small for Rope play or pup play. It is forcing Master to use his imagination on how to do certain things that would just be done with more space. For instance... How does He tie me up with my hands spread and my legs spread so He can have full acess to either my front or back for whipping/spanking/teasing? There aren't very many places to be tied to and even less space for Him to walk around me when i am tied up. But i am happy to say W/we are working on ways to make it work every day. Each time W/we do a scene, there is always something new for me. Which isn't very hard sense i am still rather new to the lifestyle. And so far my favorite thing was done in a hotel room one evening. Master had my hands tied behind my back and i was then gaged and blindfolded for maximum control. i was rather helpless and couldn't do anything other then listen and wait for what Master had in store for me. He decided to whip virtually every part of my body with His leather belt. My mind was in a sort of daze after a little while. Untill one particular strike was to hard for me to handle and i had to use the safe word. Which i was a little dissapointed about, but Master did not care. He after all does not want to damage or hurt me... the property. His first thought is to keep me safe and healthy for next times usage. Because after all there will be a next time. :) And i am very excited for the next time...

My only thing is i tend to want things a little harder or ruffer then what is given me. i know it is not my place to "push" a scene a certain way. Or the way i want it to go because the scenes are about Master's pleasure not mine. But i always find myself thinking.. "can he strike a little harder? Or tie me up a little more secure". i know it is wrong but i can not help it. It is something i will have to work harder on keeping in check. Because my wants come second to Master's and perhaps He wants to take it easy for that particular scene. Or perhaps He wants to lead up to the more "intense" scenes. You could say i am the basic proverbial kid in the candy shop wanting to experience it all. And maybe He is waiting to see that that fase is out of me. One never can tell what my Master is thinking when He is in "Master mode" or "fully in his element". But the only thing that will clear this particular topic up is time. Which i have a butt load of. Time will tell when/if things will progress. But then it is on Master's time when things will progress and how fast they it will progress. i just have to work on not pushing things my way, no matter how small or big those things are.

Master needs the computer so I will continue later on. :)

Complete Surrender

He walks in and i am on my knees, back straight, creamy thighs spread apart, delicate hands placed at the small of my back behind me. My head is lowered in respect. Heart pounding wildly, palms beginning to sweat, as i hear His boots carrying Him to me. The toes of His boots stop right between my spread open knees. His voice lifts out to me, making me tremble with excitement.

"Why are you positioned like this Girl?"

my eyes slowly travel up his legs, my soft voice a melody to His ears. "Because i am waiting for your use as commanded Master"

"And why are you waiting Slave?"

Breath catches, voice whispers. "because it was commanded of me, and i must do as i am told Master"

"Why must you do as told Slave?"

Eyes sparkle as the knowledge flies into my mind. "Because i am slave, here for your use any way you see fit at any time, Master."

"And who am I Slave?"

"You are my Master, my Owner and my Controller. Master." Eyes travel a bit farther up to make sure my answers are right and are pleasing Him. But don't dare to travel any farther then His naval with out permission.

"Why am I your Master, Slave?"

"Because i gave you my gift of submission Master. Because you accepted me to be Yours and put Your collar on my neck. Master"

"Do you deserve to be used Girl?"

Heart jumps a beat as my mind races wildly for the answer. "If Master says i am ready and deserve to be used by Him, yes Master"

"Have you been a good girl slave?"

"Yes, Master's slave has been a very good girl today Master."

Taking my cheek in His rough palm, His thumb caressing circles. He lifts my face so i may look him in the eye and gives the best compliment this slave can ask for.

Smiling down at me He says in a kind voice. "Good Girl"

This is how i feel about my Master. The one Man that allows me to be myself completely. In Serving Him, i don't have to hide. i can be 100% open. i don't have to worry about being judged like some here might do. Because He not only allows it. He encourages it. He wants me to be the best submissive i can be. He wants me to be completely open with Him. i hide nothing from my Master. Which is the way it is suppose to be is it not?

In making sure His needs, wants and desires are met. i find myself meeting my own. i Need to kneel at His feet looking adoringly up at Him. i Need to feel His hand lain upon my cheek in a soft caress. i Want to cook for Him. i Want to be the one that gives His body the nourishment it needs. i Want to make sure His house is clean to His specifications. i Want to be the one that does all that for Him and so so much more. Why?? Because it fulfills a part of who i am when i do. In doing all that for Him, my soul gets to soar. i can be free to be who i am..

In my enslavement, i find more freedom then when i was free. In His ownership, i get to be worry free in a way. In my Master's Control and Ownership, i know i will be well taken care of. And protected. i feel completely safe from others being able to hurt me. Because i know Master won't let others hurt His property. Master knows what i need and when i need it better then i do sometimes. If He see's that something is wrong with me, He will demand to know what it is so He can fix it. Or help me along the path to fixing it. He does not laugh at my worries or concerns like some might. He listens to them with open interest and helps me work through them, with an unbiased point of view.

Now all of that said, it does not mean i am His personal Door Mate, and won't stand up for myself when need be. Because i most definitely will. If you threaten me or the people i love, i will fight back. If you push me into a corner, i will Fight back.

i won't do something just because i am told. i do it because i genuinely want to please my Master. If Master told me to "go get a knife and slice your palm." i would look at Him like He has grown six heads. Then i would respectfully tell Him "NO." But on the other hand, i won't say no to "get me a Pepsi" just because i don't want to. Because it does not matter if i don't want to get up and get it. If He is thirsty i will get it. Simple as that.

And just because Master is the Dominate or Top, does not mean all the blame goes to Him when things don't go right. The blame gets placed where it belongs. Whether it is on my shoulders as the submissive or bottom for not telling him my feelings or thoughts. Or His for not taking them into consideration. But NEVER does it all get placed on Master's shoulders. Just because he is the Top does not mean He isn't human. Because He most certainly is! He makes mistakes just like the rest of us. The difference is He acknowledges them and then learns by them. So not to make the same one again.

**i firmly believe its not whether or not you make a mistake, its what you do with the mistake after it is made!**

You can learn from it and grow as a human being. Or you can ignore it and HOPE you don't make it again. But if you do not learn your lesson, you most definitely will make the same mistake over and over again.~