Denial of Pleasure

Well its the 11th, and I just woke up from an ok night. There were a few issues last night because everyone was exhausted and grumpy. And well lets just say not much has changed this morning. Only now Master says it is due to poor sleep last night.

In the truck there are two rather small bunks, and right now we are both sleeping on the bottom. And so I sleep by the wall and Master sleeps on the other side of the bed. He likes being on the edge by the door. Plus I tend to spread out a bit in my sleep. Not on purpose I don't even know I am doing it. But when I do Master gets squished into this desk thing that we have or falls half way off the bed. And lately I guess I have been pushing/spreading out more then usual. The only thing I can come up with for Him to get a good nights rest is me to sleep on the top bunk. But what does that say about this relationship? We cant even sleep comfortably together in the same bed anymore. It's like we are growing inadvertently apart from one another. When we sleep.

This Morning I woke up before Master did. Which is rare in and of itself. He's an early riser. Usually when I wake up first Master likes to be woken up with a Blow Job. And I love waking Him up that way. I feel happy and used in a very good way when I get to do that. So this morning I was rubbing/sucking His cock and He pushes my hand away, rolls over and says "No!". I was and am shocked, surprised and a bit hurt. This is the first time that He has denied me that privilege in the morning. I just stood there stunned for a moment. Then replied with a "Fine." and came up to the front to think things through. Which lead to a Journal entry and now this blog.

I mean last night we were off. He was cranky, I was hurt because of what He snapped at. But it got resolved before we went to bed. Or at least I thought it was. Heck maybe I was wrong about that too. I don't know. And then this morning I wake up all happy and in a good mood. Which for me is a big thing. I don't wake up well due to not being a morning person. I try to do something that usually makes Master feel good and happy when He wakes up. But that blew up in my face. And when Master did wake up He first woke up grumpy. And I get that He had a hard time sleeping. And I feel bad and guilty for causing Him His lack of sleep.

So to sum it up, right now I am feeling unwanted, hurt, ashamed, guilty and torn in two. I really want to talk to Him. But I have a feeling right now is the Best possible time to just leave Him alone. But hey! I could be way wrong. Won't be the first time and certainly won't be the last. I just wish I knew what was the Matter with Master. I know lack of sleep probably added to it. But what is the real route cause. But when I ask all I get is "I slept wrong" or "I'm fine". Or some equally generic answer like that. At times our communication is not what it should be. At times we don't talk about the important things bothering us. Then we blow up and expect the other person to magically understand why the blow up happened. I am not a mind reader, and neither is Him. I am at fault when it comes to this as well. But at least After Him asking a few times He gets the correct answer. When I ask more then once, I get yelled at because He does not like to repeat Himself. In situations like that What am I suppose to do? Because I don't have the answer.

Maybe it is that I am trying to hard to be His slave when it should come naturally. Its a part of my soul. Being a slave is who I am. Yet with Master lately I am just trying way to damn hard. I am always consciously thinking about whether it will please Him or make Him proud. And when I do that. It usually provokes the opposite responses from Him. I'm just... confused.

There has never been a problem with me being submissive in a scene. Or Him being Master in a scene. That is where Him and I are at the top of our "game". That is the best place/time we are ourselves. Its the day to day living that I am having such a Hard time with. I can not decide when to be submissive or just be Anna. When is it ok to joke and play around? Where is the line that takes joking to far? What happens when I cross that line? Because I have a tendency to do just that all the time. I don't know when certain things are acceptable and when they are not. I wish I did.

But Our day to day lives are not what I thought they would be when Master and I first embarked on this Journey in the D/s Lifestyle. Perhaps I am just expecting to much. I also have a tendency to do that as well. I have been waiting a long time to experience this life. To let my submissive soul soar in the freedom of slavery. But at times I feel like I am just.. looking at this lifestyle from the outside. Like I am standing outside on the street looking in through the glass window while everyone is participating in what I desperately need. Like instead of Being IN the lifestyle, I am just on the outskirts. I try really hard not to think this way. Or to even mention it, because what does all of this say about Master? It does not put Him in a very good light to be viewed.

I don't want to give you the wrong impression. Master is a VERY good Master and He is actually a very Kind one. But He is just.. Hesitating when it comes to taking Full control over me. I think He thinks that if He does take all the control and does do all that W/we need Him to do. That He will hurt me emotionally and I will then think of Him badly and perhaps leave Him. I Desperately wish He would not think like that. Because that is so far from the truth. I need Him to take the control that is rightfully His. Even in the small little things.... Like... When I get lippy. (Yes I get lippy. I still have some feelings/habits from when I was not a slave. they are being stubborn and not leaving *ugh*) If He feels that I am getting TO lippy He should correct me.

Yes I want to be corrected/punished. How else will I know what is acceptable or Not acceptable? Like I said before I am no mind reader. And How am I suppose to be the Best slave to/for Him when I don't know what I can or cant do? *shrugs* I wish I had all the answers. Because if I did, I would not have to write a blog like this. Who knows maybe one day I will have all the answers. After all we have only been together in this lifestyle for.. 6 months. *blinks* Its only been that long? wow.

So I am going to try and stop pushing things a certain way and start following instead of trying to lead. And see where that gets me. *nods*