A new way of thinking

Master and I talked last night about my last two posts. Apparently He didn't know exactly how I felt about the way He has been treating me. I have always had a hard time on talking about my feelings with anyone and working through them. Especially with people I very much care about. It's hard for me to explain my feelings and thoughts correctly with actual words coming out of my mouth, but you give me a pen and paper or key board and I can write every feeling down precisely, thoroughly, and swiftly. I don't know why that is for me, but I am trying to work on it with Master. Last night, I hope, it finally got through to Him what I was feeling and why. He also explained why He was avoiding plunging me into the pool of B.D.S.M right away.

Like I said previously, when I came to Him I was very much broken and so He had to fix the damage done before He could do anything that would give us pleasure or happiness in the lifestyle.

He asked me, "How would it of felt if I plunged you into this when everything you had to go through was still so fresh in your mind?"

... I had never thought about that; Nor had I fully grasped what He was talking about when He had said that before, not exactly that of course but it was along those lines. He use to tell me that the reason/excuse/cop-out for His hesitation was because of my past and He didn't want to bring that fear back into my eyes while I looked at Him. What He failed to realize is that He has already helped me so much in my healing. He gave me a way to not only get over my fear of the person, (Have to compromise with Master about this, I was told not to say "his name", but it helps so until permission is granted this is all I can give.) but test my limits, push the ones I have out of the water, and then create new. In a word He gave me a way to help me grow and learn and get over my fears all in one setting... But then He took that away with His hesitation.

Things finally clicked last night and He said He would do better, be better and give us what we Both need. There was a seriousness about Him last night that gives me hope that He is actually going to do it this time. This morning I went through the steps that I have to do in the mornings. Those are:

1. Before getting out of bed ask Master to get up
2. Ask Master to get dressed, then depending on His answer get dressed.
3. Kneel between the seats next to Master and ask to get into my chair.
4. Ask to go to the bathroom*

*When I really have to use the bathroom Master understands that sometimes that has to go before step 3. And unfortunately this morning was one of those, I could barely hold it to do steps 1 and 2. So when I get back in the truck from going to the bathroom I am to then kneel beside Him and ask to sit in my seat. When I did that I was granted permission and when I sat down Master said, "Well done."! *Squeals* I have been waiting for those words for a while and now that I have them, I want to do exactly what I did this morning again and again and again!! For me positive re-enforcement is the best thing because it makes me want to accomplish not only that one thing again but something else. It's a greater motivation then the thought of a punishment if I were not to do something. I have always been that way. Probably because growing up I use to get in so much trouble for stupid petty shit by my aunt and uncle, (who I lived with from age 9-13 or 14.. Will explain that later, maybe) so I started to become use to punishments. The rewards were far and few between; Sometimes I had to actually haggle for them so they lost their appeal. For Master though, He views it as a non-event and does not reward non-events. But is it truly a non-event when it has not been done before and therefor is not routine?? That's something I am genuinely curious about. So I have to inform Master (maybe push is the better word) that punishments, unless they are severe wont really work on me. But He is less certain on that fact then I am. *shrugs* So we will experiment with this and see what works better.