A slave's Mask

When I first talked to Master about becoming His slave, about moving in with Him. I was told what to expect as His slave. He instructed me that the first month would be a test of my willingness to submit to Him and my willingness to forgo all of my safeguards I had built around myself to stay safe. My barriers that were making it hard for Master to completely get inside my head and heart. He told me I would be taken as His property and marked in a manner He dreamed worthy of the occasion. That I would get my collar and the test would start....
When we had our first scene together, Master had to discipline me because I looked around the room with out authorization. I was told to look down at a point on the bed and did the exact opposite. All He had to do was give me a good few smacks on my exposed butt and scold me for me to learn my lesson. It was the most humiliated feeling I had felt. Then He took His belt off (It was extremely stiff and needless to say I was happy to see it go when it did!) and gave me 2 or 3 swats on my butt with it. The last one was, and still is, the hardest hit I have gotten from Master. It produced a welt/bruise 4" long and 2-3" wide across my right butt cheek. I was crying so hard at the time that snot was running down my nose. At the time I was in this lifestyle for exactly a week and a half, and did not expect that hard of a hit, nor was my body or mind ready for it. A part of me feared that Master wouldn't stop. That He would just continue... An irrational fear yes, because my Master is VERY strict about safe words in a scene. If I feel the least bit panicked or it's to painful to continue, I must use the word or gesture.

Sadly sense then He has not used me that way again. I have not been punished for my disrespect when I got lippy, when I missed a step in the morning rituals, or when I missed the whole thing all together, when I don't make the bed. Nothing. I am basically allowed to run free, but with the title of slave and collar around my neck. Sometimes I feel like such a fraud it's not even funny. I have pressed Him to punish me, to use me, mark me as His property. Fully and completely. But He just will not do it and it has caused problems in our relationship. Sometimes to the point where we are fighting for days at a time... Until I have to walk away from Him for an extended amount of time just to calm myself and get me to stop crying. Sometimes I think I am the only one in this relationship that truelly wants to be in this lifestyle.

For a long while I have known that something was missing in my life, that unfulfilled dreams and needs were there. I have always wanted to please the people I care for. I have crawled to a corner when conflict becomes to much for me to bear. I even tried a relationship before Master that ended in a disaster. He claimed to be a Master and that he had what I needed... All he gave me was bruises, broken bones and emotional scarring. And so when I found Master. He was the Polar opposite. He was kind, caring and listened to my concerns. He was my shoulder and my rock which I depended on fully to get through the day at times. When I came to Master I was broken. He started to put all the scattered pieces of my heart and soul back together again...
Then things started to change. He would snap at me and talk to me like an inferior being. I know I am a slave, I'm not saying it isn't His right to do that, but the way he did it was far beyond just treating me as an object. At one point in time He started to make me feel stupid and a disgrace to what I claim to be. The later I still feel sometimes. All the qualities He liked and adored when we first met, He started to snap at me for. I use to be soo curious about the things around me to the point I couldn't control myself. You give me something and tell me to study it I will do exactly that and hand it back to you and give you a full report. Probably more then you actually wanted to know. But when I started asking Him questions about where we were going for the load, or the information I need in order to do the miles, I was getting snapped at. Until one day He told me, "Stop being so damn curious and give me five minutes to relax. Jeez!"... Needless to say I was crushed. I had finally done it, Master started to become annoyed and despised something that He use to love. Well from that day on, I haven't been half as curious about things. I only want to please my Master, I desperately crave to do just that. But my personality lately has made it practically impossible. I use to be real playful, joking a lot. Sometimes a bit sarcastically and Master took it a couple of times as back talk... So I don't play around unless He starts it. And only to a certain point because That also started to anger Him to the point of a snap pointed in my direction. Plus many other things.

It's gotten so bad that I will do Exactly what I am told to, and I get snapped for doing that! I'm at a cross roads and I don't know what to do anymore. All I have ever wanted to do was be pleasing to Him. Be the pest possible slave for Him. And I am failing. It's like I am wearing a mask just to do what my personality, me, would have done a little under a year ago. Have we really changed so much that I am no longer the right slave for Him? Should I just stick to being His girlfriend or fiance? I honestly don't know anymore. I cant keep walking around desperately wanting to fulfill that part of myself when it will never happen. It's to much of a let down and disappointment to be told that it WILL happen and it never actually does. With that comes a set of new problems... What will happen with Master then? Will He decide that if I won't be His slave, then I won't be anything to Him at all?
I just want Him to take me! Make me His property, Mark me, use me in any way He wants... I have mentioned this to Him before, but I get the same answer. I fear that the only way for Him to get the gravity of the situation is for me to hand Him my collar... Hopefully not forever. Just until He can be the Master I need Him to be, the Master HE needs Him to be. I honestly don't know what to do or think anymore... Maybe that jolt will make Him realize I am not happy in the position I am in, or lack there of. *shrugs* I have to think
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(photo credit- brothersoft.com)