Broken on a sunny day...

I have been neglecting this blog. I know it, Master know's it and I wouldn't be suprised if you know it, too. The reason for this is because I don't really have anything "Happy" to write or anything particularly "kinky/BDSMy" to write either. I have been waiting to write something exciting or worth your time instead of waisting it with the mundane or unhappy. But alas, it has not worked.

When I plan for things to happen they tend to go the opposite direction. Even small things such as Blog topics. Master has always told me not to plan, because when things don't go the way I wanted them to I get really bummed out. And I do. Especially when it has to do with "Play" time with Master. I always get really excited when Master mentions doing devious or perverted things to me. (well perverted on the normal scale, *giggles*) It does not happen as much as I would like it to, so when the possibility arises I get giddy and excited. So it's (to me) understandable when I get bummed out. But Master always finds a way to turn it around so he gets mad at my non-giddiness. BlA!

Plus, it's sunny and nice outside. And I am stuck inside this infernal truck! The first day of really nice weather we have seen and we can't stop for longer then five minutes because of this stupid load. This summer is going to stink. I can see it already. I wont be able to garden, play outside with Master or a pup. Nuffin. No park going, long walks or ice-cream while basking in the sun! *huffs* (Yes I huff when life is completely unfair. Ya-ya, life is unfair and all that crud.) When it is nice outside, even when it's chily, I get into a bummed and altogether bad mood. Why, you ask?? Because I am a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to sunny days. Your suppose to spend your time out side, having a b-b-q, playing in the dirt while planting your favorite flowers and chasing your beloved pup/dog around the yard with the hose... Not spending it in a semi-truck pulling 38 thousand pounds down I-40 at 58 mph! I know Master doesn't like it all that much either. But he has been a truck driver for 12 years. It's his job and he likes his job, so he is a bit use to it. And I don't think I will ever get use to this. Although I'm a lot better now then I was when I first got on the truck. And that's sayin' sumfin!!

Yesterday Master and I had an awful fight. As always it was about the lack of dicipline, bondage, and total lack of control. It was promised to me time after time but he does not produce it. I am sick of the "reasons" or "EXCUSES" because I honestly don't care for them. He just says them to make it a legitamite reason as to why he is neglecting my needs. To make him feel better about it. I don't want him to feel good about his neglect, lack of control, and broken promises! Especially when I feel like total shit because of it... Any way, this particular fight ended with Master storming off mad after I said, "Fine, I will just hide my tears like I have always done... And here I thought you were the one person I could be open with." Well needless to say that struck home. And the only reason I said it was because He told me the reason he doesn't dicipline me is because of my crying when he does... What an ass right? Of course I am going to cry. Well, after he stormed off I went in the back, curled up into a very small ball and wept. I didn't just cry. I wept. I was/am at my breaking point, it's no longer funny. I even took off my collar yesterday. I was done, sick of all the broken promises and feeling like a fraud. I would still be with him. But no longer his slave. One he doesn't even take care of. That made him even more mad. But it hopefully also struck home. I cherrish my collar and what it represents. With out it I felt like I was missing something. It was of course put back on, and I am still an unfulfilled slave.

I don't think it struck home at all. Because this morning I didn't do the steps for waking up or make the bed. And you'll never guess what he DIDN'T do... Yup, thats right. He didn't dicipline me. I honestly think he never will. Why do I bother trying to be submissive to someone when they won't even properly take that submission and use it? Because I love him and desperately want him to be my Master. The one I know he can be. But lately I'm starting to doubt whether or not he does have it in him... *shrugs*

After the argument Master got horney. I felt like complete crap with a capital C. And He was horney. Well Master made me suck his cock until he cam on my boobs. I felt and still feel cheap because of it. I didn't want anything sexual because I felt raw inside still. And he goes and cums on my boobs?? WTF is that?? My feelings or pains must not matter to him anymore... Or he wouldn't of done that. I wasn't sucking it as vigoriously as usual and I surely wasn't enjoying it. Anyone would have been able to tell by my lack of interest, facial expressions and body movements. He just didn't care.

The worst part was two days ago, Master had told me that yesterday was my day. It takes him a day to re-coup from.. things. And so yesterday was going to be my pleasure day. But then he went and did that. Which didn't help at all. So here I am... Cranky, raw, unfulfilled, cheap and unhappy... When he is perfectly fine listening to a stupid NASCAR race. I HATE nascar!! And I detest being used like that when I am still really raw about a fight or being a fake...

In january I asked Master to controll me 100% so I can fix myself. Fix what has been broken all these months of being unhappy and yelled at constantly. But He couldn't even do that for a week let alone long enough to allow me time to fix my broken peices. But I have finally figured it out. Why Master isn't giving me what I need..... Because it isn't about me or my needs. It's about him and what he wants or needs. My puney feelings mean nothing to him. The fact that I am unsatisfied, unhappy and unfulfilled does not matter to my... Master. My desire to grow, to learn does not matter. The fact that I am broken inside, does not matter....
He built me up when he first got me to tear me down himself. I feel like total shit so I am just going to go....