Confessions and Revelations

Today, Master and I are in Montgomery Alabama at the TA. Master woke me up at 7am this morning to go take a shower. I woke up very cranky and did not try to hide it. The day before we had to wake up extremely early, like 2:43AM early, so he could pick up the load we just delivered on time. So, needless to say today has thoroughly Sucked!! I got cranky so Master got cranky which in turn made me very quiet the rest of the day, including now. I know I should control my tone, mannerisms and all together attitude where Master is concerned better, but I just seem to either not want to at the time or I flat out cant at that moment. And it doesn't help when you have a Master that wont correct wrong behaviors. I'm in no way saying it's his fault, but he isn't helping with the solution either. Master hasn't really "trained" me in any way. He has pretty much just told me what to do and let me either sink... or swim. And I have been plummeting like a 200 lb brick thrown into the Nile river. (I've got Egypt on the brain for some reason) I have asked him not to loads of times before. And for a few days, hell even one time was a week, things change; But then go back to normal. And normal for us is vanilla normal sometimes.
On a side note real quick, I hate the word Normal. I mean whats normal? And who deemed that One thing to be normal. For instance what is normal for us may not be normal for you, and whats normal for you might just be plain freaky to us. (no offense)
Anyway, as I was saying. When Master was in this lifestyle before he "retired", he was not a nice guy. At all and he will be the first person to admit that to you. He does not hide what he did or who he was from anyone... He just is afraid to turn back into that guy and that guy is the only way he knows how to be a Master. Believe me, I don't want that guy. But sometimes he does not do what is needed because of that fear. He knows that that part of his past, that guy, will scare the living daylights out of me. And he does not want to see fear in my eyes. Especially fear of him. And I admire, respect and am soooooooo grateful for that. But sometimes tough love is needed. He hasn't found the middle ground for that yet. I wish he would and soon, but that isn't my call. I will wait as long as it takes, but at some point isn't it a bit unfair to me? Having to wait for something that may never happen?
I had my first punishment the other day. I didn't think it was going to happen, but it did. I was surprised and a little proud of Master for finally putting his foot down. I of course felt bad for letting him down and being a bad girl, but at the same time I felt rather pleased. I had this good feeling that things had finally changed. And for the better. Maybe even this time for good. But today is a prime example that things haven't really changed. My behavior was not punished, rectified or changed. I want with every fiber of my being to be corrected if I am not pleasing. If I'm not, how am I to ever learn what pleases him? What attitudes are acceptable or what ones are not? Or even how to do something properly instead of messing up all the time?? *shrugs*

I think I have made up my mind on my course of action in order to maybe help Master along. From now on, or until everyone is happy, I am going to be 100% submissive to my Master. No more playing it safe. We were doing laundry and watching a movie and there was a line in it that really hit home.

"Stop playing it safe, it doesn't stop bad things from happening. It just hinders your success..."

I have been playing it safe because most my life I have been hurt from one bad thing to the next. Not a lot of good has happened to me. Well, that isn't exactly true. I find a good sunrise on a crisp morning with a cup of hot coffee a good thing. But most of the people around me have hurt me to one degree or the other. Heck, a lot of my scars are from four individuals that hurt me severely. So my philosophy is/was to play it safe or close to the heart so others would not be able to break me. But they can still do that. And most importantly I am doing that to myself. So, I will work on not doing that by allowing Master to control me. I will do to the best of my ability what he tells me to do, when he tells me to do it. No more procrastinating or just flat out not doing it. Maybe my willingness to do the 5 steps in the morning, the cleaning and fixing my behavior will help Master come out of his own shell. Or this will crash and burn. Either way, what I am doing now isn't working at all, so lets try something new.

Time for me to end this post to go eat. Master's waiting for me to get done.
*Masters girl